Or should a play date be two hours max?

[TargetPractice11]

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

My todder's playdates are never more than 3 hours max, mainly because of the timing of the rest of his (and his friends') days. If it's a morning playdate, all the kids start needing their lunch, and if it's in the afternoon, they get tired and start needing their tea. So the most surprising thing about this dad's behaviour for me is that he clearly had no plan for feeding his child lunch.

But I also think this isn't really about secret playdate-length rules, but just about the basics of being a good or a shit guest: if I'm invited round in the morning and the host doesn't explicitly mention lunch, then it's obvious that I need to leave by lunchtime. That's whether kids are involved or not, surely?

None of my friends have ever had a 2 hour limit. We will spend all aground eachothers.
But, if I'd wanted them to leave I would just tell them in a nice way.

Good god, how good a friend is this person?
They clearly have trouble with communicating, which I'm surprised you haven't found a way to manage by now.
Has this never happened before?

To be stereotypical for a minute, men don't do hints. About anything much.

If we're hanging out with our friends, we do it until one of us gets bored and either leaves or kicks the other one out.

Common phrases in use include:

"It's time I made the kids some lunch. No, you can't have any, you've been here hours. Bugger off to your own home"

"Right, I've got better things to do than hang out with you all day" (This one must be done whilst slapping your own knees and then standing up. Don't question why, it's just the rules)

"Oh, have you not gone yet?"

"Piss off already!"

Blunt, to the point, and not easily misconstrued as an invite to continue spending time together.

Rather than be offended by such bluntness, most men will be pleased that you've signalled the current social circumstances so clearly, and will bugger off happy in the knowledge that they stayed for exactly the right amount of time.

The 2 hour play date rule is definitely not a universal thing. All my play dates are open ended unless someone has something specific to do.

90% of the time, I’m the host and people stay for hours. If it gets to lunch or dinner time then I feed them, as well as my kids. If I want people to go then I say ‘o I better get the kids to bed now/ right, I need to start dinner/ it was lovely to see you, let’s do this again soon/ ok, time to pack up kids’ etc.

My kids enjoy playing with their friends, they don’t suddenly turn feral and I enjoy the catching up with my friends too.

I think you need to be clear about the time frame from the beginning- I’m free Saturday morning 10-12, if you fancy coming round?

Some people don't know when to go home - one of my pet hates 😆

I've been cooking dinner before with one particular play date still here and they were making no plans to leave! Lesson learned - I didn't invite them again. Definitely agree with the advice to meet on neutral ground with 'plans' for afterwards.

I am both irritated by and sympathetic of your posts. I have a friend and SIL who sound a bit like your friend. Frankly, overall, I don't really mind people hanging about with no set end time, as long as it works for me/them/the children. In most cases, the sort of casual hints you dropped would be picked up and you could move on with your day.

In one friend and SIL's case, that does not work. So I am more specific. Both in advance and during. eg I would remind SIL that it's a school night so I need to get DD into the bath and starting to wind down for bed by 6:30 so when issuing the invite, or when she invited herself, I'd flag this up front. This also makes it easier to do option 2 which is....

.... when the hints have not worked, and the children have started to get feral say "this has been lovely but I think we better call it a day. DD is exhausted, I want her to start winding down and I'm sure you feel the same about your DC. Shall we give them a 5 minute warning now?" Note, I then have to do the five minute warning, get up and start looking for shoes and coats etc as otherwise friend/SIL will sit for longer.

Generally I found it clear - if lunch had been discussed as in “what do you fancy for lunch” I would know. Otherwise I would assume (and still do and my child is 11) that of meals are not mentioned they are not included and that would indicate the time slot.
Some people just have to be told and sounds like this chap does. So next time you can say “if you get here about 10ish that will be plenty of time for play until 12-12.30ish and I kick you out”

Also, I would stop inviting him without being invited back. If you've known him years, now is the time for a lightly worded, "Right, I think next time we'll come and cause chaos at your house so I don't have to do the tidying up after. We can take the train next Saturday?"

This is way too long.
You need to take the cue from the kids. If they are playing really nicely, and you are chilled and enjoying a conversation, carry on. No need to set a stopwatch. But 5 hours is ridiculous. I would have made something up about going to a swimming session (then probably gone swimming tbh)

Men are often like this in my experience so now I only arrange playdates with mums

You didn't give lunch to your kids and was 2/3

We're they not hungry and grumpy ?

Why didn't you say around 12 it's neatly time for lunch so let's make the kids tidy up before you go

Or words similar

What did he say who you asked him about his plans for lunch?!

I can't stand people who don't pick up on even the most unsubtle hints... He was definitely taking the piss

When my DC were little, I always kept the playdates to 1-1.5h mark if I was visiting someone’s house the first time.

I had two (separate) playdates where the mums stayed for three hours which is way too long, especially so if you don’t know them that well. Then the buggers never offered to host us in return 🙄 we can’t have been that bad company since they were happy to stay for so long.

One of them was also really quiet, didn’t ask any questions and gave me one word answers. Just sat there and expected me to just host her. I was exhausted afterwards, I never invited her again.

Wow...
So a woman on a playdate is not outsourcing childcare?

Hate comments like this. Totally unnecessary. Its a play date not childcare

I used to find about 2 hours was enough too. Maybe 3 max. I wouldn't have said "You need to leave now" as that's rude. I'd have made up an excuse eg. I'll have to end this at 1 as baby has to nap, then we need to go out. Or "I'll have to end this at 1 as need to give them their lunch"

I would just stop the play dates with this family. Sounds too much like hard work.

Same as morning coffee, only tea?

Just grow a backbone and just politely ask them to leave rather than dropping hints.

Something vague like 'no plans for lunch.'

YABU
you could have said - right I think my two are getting silly now so it’s been so lovely having you but they need some quiet time and a rest. Shall we do it again soon?

Also if they’re actual friends then I don’t think 2 hours is the norm - I had friends and kids over today and at some points it was mad but they’ve got to learn and socialise and they love each other. I did snacks, lunch, lunch for the adults and tea and wine!
They we’re here for over 4 hours until the school run!

I also find limit of 2 hrs works best for the kids and the adults (assuming play date is going well)

Some people are like this - they use your house as a free softplay/you as free childcare until their kids feral, then they go home to a nice clean house. I had a few when my kids were younger. One said to me she liked going out as then her house stayed clean. After that I made excuses and she didn't come back.

TBH I've got to the point where if people do things that annoy me - drinking like fish and eating like pigs when the bill is being split is another one that drives me mad - I just don't arrange that activity with them again. You can stay friends with this guy but don't have him over to your house again.

Boundaries.

We’ve had play dates last all day and some that last an hour. It depends on the friends and you should check beforehand or give them a time that you’re available until if it’s at your house. I didn’t really know this until after my son was 2 though.

God that’s way too long, 2-3 hours maximum is all my social battery would allow on that kind of play date, it’s different when they are older and the kids just get dropped off and get on with it but when you have to entertain a parent that’s basically the entire day gone - nope not for me