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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

384 replies

Artmumcreative · 01/05/2024 21:34

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 03/05/2024 10:44

How about being extremely kind to the one person in this who will be absolutely and utterly helpless?

If your MIL has her way and your baby bonds with her and not you how will that affect them in life? If MIL gets control what will she be whispering in your child's ear?

Being kind doesn't mean having a virtue always. It can also cover up weakness and cowardice.

Your DH sounds like he's going to be utterly spineless in this. No wonder, he is the product of his mother's upbringing. Now she wants to do the same to YOUR child.

RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 11:10

she's extremely forceful and I'm extremely kind.

She's bossy, and (kindly) she sees you as a walkover. You need to be more assertive. There is no need to be rude just firm and keep repeating "no" until she gets it.

TomeTome · 03/05/2024 11:53

It’s not “kind” to do what everyone else wants all the time. Take your place in the world.

EmilyTjP · 03/05/2024 12:09

Really don’t understand why some people are desperate to feed a baby. Surely a cuddle is just the same without the need to give it some milk?!

cloudyfox · 03/05/2024 17:26

Your baby, your choice. I was young (19) when I had my first and really struggled with bf. I had zero support and my DM browbeat me into bottle feeding. She then proceeded to take over in so many ways, damaging the relationship between me and my child. This was even to the extent that when DD was talking and calling for mummy, DM would respond "yes" before I could get a look in. I can't even describe how fucked up it all was, but I have had a visceral reaction to any hint of baby-snatching behaviour ever since. I'm 51 now and ebf my other three children very successfully whilst keeping my DM at a healthy distance.

My advice (as a complete stranger on the Internet) would be to stand firm, try to establish a BF support network (via the midwife, peer support workers etc), tell your DH that he needs to back you up and not simply dismiss this behaviour as "that's just what she's like" (he needs to be stepping up for you and the baby), and never leave MIL alone with your baby. She will not respect your decisions or boundaries.

Fuck being "kind", do what's best for you and your baby, not what suits your MIL. She's had her time, it's your turn now.

DrJoanAllenby · 03/05/2024 17:29

Why didn't you just laugh in her face and say, "Have you got any more outrageous demands that are going to alienate you even further from me and MY baby?"

mitogoshi · 03/05/2024 17:30

No is a complete sentence in this case and a lot politer than I would be. Honestly I would say to her that there's lots she can do to be in the baby's life but you plan to breastfeed at first, she'll be the first (apart from your partner) to know if you do decide to bottle feed at some stage partly because you may find you need her help so despite the temptation to give a strong answer, I would be more polite.

Coconutter24 · 03/05/2024 17:41

“MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula.”

And you said……?

You and your DH are the parents not your MIL so she has zero say on how you feed baby

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 03/05/2024 20:47

Sometimes ignoring batshittery is best. Like when my(nearly) mil growled his ex wanted his babies when we announced I was pregnant.. Obviously out of his earshot.... Bitch...

Pippetypoppity · 03/05/2024 21:05

No no no no no and again no! Cheeky bloody MIL .

JG24 · 03/05/2024 21:26

Is it me or is that generation (aged 50s-70s) obsessed with formula feeding? I felt like everyone kept saying it to me when I had a baby last year and they couldn't understand why I breastfed. In comparison everyone at the nct class breastfed. Is it a generation thing? A class thing?

RampantIvy · 03/05/2024 21:39

JG24 · 03/05/2024 21:26

Is it me or is that generation (aged 50s-70s) obsessed with formula feeding? I felt like everyone kept saying it to me when I had a baby last year and they couldn't understand why I breastfed. In comparison everyone at the nct class breastfed. Is it a generation thing? A class thing?

Yes it's you. You can do one with your ageist comment! Hmm

I'm 65 and breastfed DD.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 03/05/2024 21:42

52 and was bf at 43/44....

Runnerinthenight · 03/05/2024 21:47

JG24 · 03/05/2024 21:26

Is it me or is that generation (aged 50s-70s) obsessed with formula feeding? I felt like everyone kept saying it to me when I had a baby last year and they couldn't understand why I breastfed. In comparison everyone at the nct class breastfed. Is it a generation thing? A class thing?

It's you. I'm in my early 60s and I breastfed all three of mine, first two for a year each, third for 22 months. I was breastfeeding until I was coming 43. Sister in her 50s also breastfed, as did my friends of a similar age, and my cousin.

So you can take your ageist bull and shove it.

Tourmalines · 03/05/2024 23:44

JG24 · 03/05/2024 21:26

Is it me or is that generation (aged 50s-70s) obsessed with formula feeding? I felt like everyone kept saying it to me when I had a baby last year and they couldn't understand why I breastfed. In comparison everyone at the nct class breastfed. Is it a generation thing? A class thing?

Another one that agrees it’s just you. Take your ageist bullshit elsewhere . I breast fed and my dil conclusively breast feeds and it’s never once entered my head why she isn’t bottle feeding . Don’t be so ignorant.

Runningbird43 · 04/05/2024 08:42

JG24 · 03/05/2024 21:26

Is it me or is that generation (aged 50s-70s) obsessed with formula feeding? I felt like everyone kept saying it to me when I had a baby last year and they couldn't understand why I breastfed. In comparison everyone at the nct class breastfed. Is it a generation thing? A class thing?

No.

those of us in our 50’s were still having children 10-20 years ago. My youngest is 15. Breastfeeding was very much pushed as “best”.

it’s mostly cultural and lack of understanding. It started longer ago than you think. My mum’s generation having babies in the early 70’s were told formula was scientifically superior, cleaner, more hygenic, you could monitor and control how much the baby had. No doubt pushed by heavy marketing.

as a result we lost our cultural experience of breastfeeding. Most people only have experience of formula- breastfeeding is a different beast and much more organic, feeding on demand, cluster feeding, frequent feeding. Bottle feeders see this and think there’s something wrong, that the baby isn’t getting enough, or is “starving”.

then there’s the whole attitude around people wanting to “help” by feeding the baby. Then getting pissed off when they aren’t “allowed”. Whinging that if you’re tired you should let others bottle feed to give you a break etc.

i also think the push for people to breastfeed over the last 20 years or so has been detrimental. No one feels able to just say “I didn’t want to” without being judged. So you get long tales about how the baby wouldn’t sleep through, cluster fed, or other normal behaviour meaning there was not enough milk. New mums listen, realise their baby is the same, and think it means they’re starving their baby too.

most people in this country give up bf by 6 weeks. I’d say a lot give up because the generational knowledge is no longer there. I still hear people talking about rusks and weetabix in bottles because their mum or aunt has told them it will help with sleeping or frequent feeding or some such. even HCP’s go to is formula top ups for any issue, or complicated regimes of expressing and feeding, when the best way to increase supply is to just feed more.

i always say if you want to bf do. Feed, feed, and feed and much as possible. Expressing is a pita so avoid if you can. If it’s too hard, or you don’t like it, or you just don’t want to, then have no shame in switching to bottles. The more complicated you make it the harder it is and the less chance it will work.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/05/2024 09:11

Is kind another word for pushover?

RampantIvy · 04/05/2024 18:18

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 04/05/2024 09:11

Is kind another word for pushover?

Inthis case - Yes.

Girlmum2203 · 05/05/2024 17:52

Mine was the opposite, I didn't plan to breastfeed, mil was mortified that I was going to formula feed my baby even though I needed to go back on medication that passed through breast milk. I was very firm from the off, my baby my rules, my way. For the first months, I got the odd comment or she disagreed with me when I said DD was tired but she soon stopped when I told her very bluntly to stop it and accept my way. We get on fairly well now. Nip it in the bud now, before it gets worse..

Findinganewme · 05/05/2024 19:51

I felt even more determined to breast feed, when I was presented with similar conditions. I hope that it all works out well for you and that you’re able to exclusively breast feed, as you desire. I have two children now and I think that it’s also important to remember that as you mention, there are occasions where it doesn’t work. Tongue tie, low milk supply, or a host of other reasons. The reason I mention this is that you may not want to simply refuse on the (very fair) grounds that you’re going to EBF, but even if you do need to give your baby formula milk, you’ll do it. My thinking is that no matter what, you’ll probably want to feed your baby?

my cousin was told to give her son a formula bottle and not breast feed, so to allow the paternal grandparents to feed the baby. Their reasoning was that they wanted to bond with the son of their only son, and also that when my cousin returned to work, they’d be caring for him. My cousin lived with her in laws at the time, she obliged. She’s now divorced, due to their coercive behaviour overall.

QuaintLemur · 06/05/2024 07:51

I'm guessing that your mil didn't breastfeed and is jealous of you. It can be highly emotive. When I had my first dd we stayed in hospital for the first five days. You were "allowed" to feed your baby for one minute each side every four hours on the first day, three minutes the second day and so on till you got to ten minutes each side every four hours. Can you imagine? A recipe for disaster. My mother said that I clearly couldn't make enough milk and, like her, would have to supplement with the bottle. Fortunately dd1 refused the bottle, I threw out the clock and the bottle and we found our own way. Both dds were completely breastfed, but my mother felt jealous that I had ignored her advice and done it.
You also have to find your own way. When your baby cries, snuggle up with a cuppa, some music and take your time. No-one else can do that for you, but they can help by giving you space and cups of tea. Gently tell your mil that, but please be aware that she is being difficult about this because her own feelings may come from problems she had with breastfeeding, and an underlying sense of failure. Let her be a success at supporting you.

SER80 · 06/05/2024 08:18

Artmumcreative · 01/05/2024 21:34

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

How disgustingly selfish of your MIL!! There are so many other ways of bonding with a baby (cuddles, going for a walk, nappy changes, reading stories and singing etc). She has had her time as a parent and needs to step back. How you feed your baby is your choice as a parent!!

Plus, why does she specifically state 'formula' - breastmilk can be expressed (and many mothers do express milk to feed their babies.)

No wonder the breastfeeding rates in the UK are the lowest in the world with attitudes like this!!

Stick to youth guns!

6ft8dad · 06/05/2024 08:31

You aren't being unreasonable however. You need to be open to the idea of both boob and bottle. My 1st was prem and my wife had to express so ds could feed will she slept. This also helped me bond with the child. The sooner the bottle is introduced it will be easier in the long run. Just remember normally there are reasons why people don't breast feed and it's not normally laziness.

Fabulousdahlink · 06/05/2024 08:37

Tell her you plan to EBF unless theres a medical reason not to, but thank her for asking (!)
You need to get the balance right between thanks but no thanks....and if I need you I'll ask.
Dont burn your bridges yet..if you cant breast feed for some reason, or chose to move to mixed feeding later then having someone who is happy to help out could be a godsend.

From labour to breastfeeding your plans can always change and you will always need people around you. Could you find her a 'job' to do instead to make her feel.involved ?

Having had a laid back MIL and one who was a PITA , guess which one I needed, in the end ? ( yes I had 2 as well as my own dear mum)

RampantIvy · 06/05/2024 08:41

This also helped me bond with the child.

There are many, many ways to bond with a child, and feeding is a poor excuse to prevent a woman from breastfeeding.