Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

[Artmumcreative]

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable and need to put those expectations in place now. What you can say though is "there will be plenty of time to feed the baby once ive established my milk and can start pumping but that wont be until a couple of months. However once i am pumping of course you can feed the baby, but we don't plan to use formula" Few things I will say though, no one can ever take your place as mother so try not to feel like that its a common thought most of us have myself included with my first. BF is also very intense, it feels like they are on you 24/7 those first few months and its all on you until you can pump and dad can help out with a feed or 2. What i did was say to myself im gonna BF the first week, then when i got to that goal and things were OK and we were both happy i set a new smaller goal so that if things didnt go to plan i wouldnt feel shit about myself. There's absolutely no shame in formula feeding your baby either if it doesnt go to plan but hopefully it will. My first was BF and my 2nd wouldn't latch for 10 days so I pumped but by the time he would latch he wouldn't wait on the slower flow of breast then my milk dried up quicker than expected and there is absolutely no difference between them physically or from a development point of view. My BF baby has also had an ear infection long after, my formula fed baby hasn't which is something I was told BF would prevent in later years so be kind to yourself. None of my family BF either and any issue with my first everyone kept suggesting it could be my milk but a good guide/ reply to those suggestions is their nappies. If they are doing plenty of wet and poos every other day your milk is totally fine. Best of luck with your new baba. Enjoy every minute as it goes depressingly quickly.

Compromise is key here- let her change the nappies😆

The main reason people don’t breastfeed is misinformation.

you don’t have to feed a baby to bond with it.

introducing a bottle too soon can lead to bottle preference, and affect establishing a supply.
pumping is 3x the work. It doesn’t help to increase supply as much as breastfeeding does. Psychologically it can be detrimental as many women can’t express leading them to think they have no milk. To keep up supply if you bottle feed you should pump at the same time to maintain supply, you might as well just feed. No point someone else feeding while you faff round pumping- 2 people to do one persons job.

night feeds release hormones that increase supply. Many people express or give bottles at night, this can affect supply detrimentally. Stick with night feeding and ask your “helpful” person to watch the baby another time so you can catch up on sleep. A night feed is often wake feed sleep- a night bottle is much more faff, you wake anyway, and now you’re missing a vital night feed which increases supply.

you don’t have to introduce a bottle. Combi feeding ime is twice the work, and can mean you affect your supply. My second I told everyone to fuck off with the “advice” about needing to give bottles or it would be too hard for me, I’d never be able to leave them etc. utter bollocks. We were properly in the swing by 3 months so I could take short breaks, by 6 they were weaning and I could leave them for longer periods and feed when I got back. 7 months I went back to work, nursery gave solids and cup drinks, I fed around that. Much, much easier.

oh and my top tip- and that of my HV, you don’t have to get them weighed. If all markers are normal and you have no concerns, weeing, pooing, sleeping well etc then don’t bother. It’s just an extra level of stress as most hcp are used to formula weight gain and start advising top ups, pumping, strict regimes etc to keep up with ff weight gain instead of just feeding as much as possible.

bf is all on you, and people will frame it as only doing it to help. It doesn’t.

I could have written this. My MIL even went as far as to send a bottle steriliser in the post. She bought a cot and created a nursery in HER house and I was just undermined from the get go. It was very stressful and I stuck to my guns and breastfed exclusively and kept her at arms length tbh, bc I felt she would try and take over. During my 2nd pregnancy she told my BIL that she was attending the birth. I only found out about that bc he said to me one day "it'll be easier for you this time bc Mum will be there..." WTF.
I had to put my foot down and just told her she wasn't coming to the birth and can't invite herself.
Please draw the boundaries now. And maintain them with your OH. No compromises.

OFFS!
That generation - and I'm at the front of that- breast fed! Most of my friends did. One of my friends was at the forefront of feeding whenever the baby needed it and wherever she was! (bearing in mind there were no baby rooms so many used the loo ) And to hell with anyone who didn't like it
And with my DDs and DiL - one bottle fed, two B/F

You just know a lot of people who didn't

Maybe it's a class thing? (See how judgemental that is?)

So stop with the generalisations and ageism

Wow that’s awful. For what it’s worth, I absolutely loved breastfeeding so much. It was one of my favourite parts of having a newborn, if someone had taken that away from me it would have really upset me

Yeah I massively agree with you. I found all the bottle comments came from a certain age group. Mother, MIL, aunt etc. They seem to assume the natural normal way babies all ought to be fed is bottles. Boobs make them confused and awkward as they are ‘for your husband’

and all the normality of breastfeeding from my mum peers.

And what age group is this?
I am 65 and I and most of my peers breastfed.

I wonder if this is more to do with education culture or class?

My late MIL also breastfed (she would be 95 if she was still alive).

Tell her it’s the best for the baby , it’s your decision and that’s it . Set your boundaries now or you will regret it later

What I find unreasonable Is that you have to ask a forum online if it’s fair for another person to tell you how you will have to feed your baby and that then you describe yourself as extremely kind when in fact you sound just like a pushover . I don’t mean to be harsh but for the sake of this baby you are gonna have to toughen up and start to make decisions like a mother as soon as possible which is going to mean do what it’s best for you and your baby without even considering a request like this .

This seems like a non-question.

Obviously, you feed your baby the way you want (obviously assuming all the baby’s health needs are met).

You just say to your MIL, “actually sorry the baby will be exclusively breastfed” and that’s that. If she persists, keep saying no. If she still won’t stop then you’ll need to involve your DH and take more drastic steps.

You definitely don't need to feed your baby formula. Not unless breastfeeding doesn't work out for you for whatever reason, and obviously your baby isn't born yet so there's no reason to believe that should be the case.

I have had a wonderful breastfeeding journey with my two children and neither of them have ever tasted formula.

What I would say is that if you do manage to exclusively breastfeed, it might not be a bad idea to introduce a bottle occasionally once your supply is established. My son started to take a bottle of expressed breastmilk once or twice a week from when he was about a month old and it meant I was able to send breastmilk to the childminder's for him after I went back to work, until he was big enough not to need it. With my daughter we weren't so deliberate about it, she took a bottle a couple of times when she was small and then didn't bother doing it regularly, and by the time I went back to work when she was 8 months old she wouldn't take a bottle anymore. It has made things more constraining for us because I was the only one who could feed her.

This is not to say that you should do this for your MIL's benefit, but you might be glad your baby can take the occasional bottle if you want to go out for the evening, or even if you were ill and needed to go to hospital, you'd know that your baby would be OK.

But when your baby is newborn, if you want breastfeeding to be a success you should keep your baby as close to you as possible for the first few months, feed on demand until your supply is properly established, and don't let anyone else interfere. Your MIL needs to respect your boundaries.

My DH is maintaining the boundaries for me, I'm really uncomfortable with the entire situation and have no experience in dealing with stuff like this as my family and parents aren't dysfunctional. MIL has claimed that I'm just saying all this because I'm hormonal. I feel truly gaslit.

YANBU
But do get some ready made formula, a steriliser and some bottles in just in case of problems with breastfeeding. I planned to exclusively breastfeed but was having issues with it, cue panicked rush to the shop on first night home.
I did get it established ok in the end and breastfed until 18 months. I still believe breast feeding is best for babies if all goes well and MIL should back off and accept this. But do have a back up plan.

Your mil is off her rocker! You do what you want to do for your baby. To the other poster saying it's a generational thing - I'm 65 and breastfed both my children til they were fully weaned. Stop with the ageist comments.

Why is she so ignorant? Everyone knows that breastfeeding is in a baby's best interests, why does she want to interfere with this?

Ffs - why don't some people get that babies are not toys or status symbols to be passed round the family. They need their mums, and if the mum decides to / can breastfeed, then that's what's happening. End of.

If she's not suppotive of your choices, then minimise contact with her. She clearly can't be trusted.

This is your baby not hers and you do as you see fit. Plenty of mothers breast feed and the baby's father and grandparents have amazing bonds with the baby.

It is the parents right to determine how their baby is fed. I think it's wonderful that you'd like to breastfeed. She should be pleased, not jealous.

My DF and my DS were incredibly close because they did other stuff from the moment he was born. My DF would change my DS and hand him back to me, or cook for me, take DS out in his stroller, bathe him, hold him, play with him. Anything really.

There is plenty she can do without keeping on at you.

Well yes of course you are hormonal! But that doesn't mean you don't have the mental capacity to decide what you want for your baby. She sounds really nasty.

It's hard enough with a newborn without all this stress. Your DH needs to repeatedly tell her to back up. She is at risk of not having a relationship at all with her DGC.

''You are just saying this because you are controlling".

On repeat, every time she tries the 'hormonal as an insult' tactic.

Also - don't say 'Sorry, no'.

Say 'No'.

I take it this is your first baby? After I had my second I was far more confident at saying no! People think they can pick up a newborn, pass them around, without consulting the mother. We wouldn’t do it to wild animals, so why do we think it’s acceptable with humans?! I wanted my babies with me, it’s a natural instinct. Be firm, and be confident with your decision. Good luck!

Totally this! She can feed baby later on with expressed milk from a bottle when you are ready

Honestly OP tell her bluntly to Piss Off if your DH won't.

She's absolutely off her rocker and I really would keep your baby well away from her. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

This.

Just say no you plan to breast feed exclusively so will have no need for bottles