Page 7 | Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

Artmumcreative · 2024-05-01T20:34:28+00:00

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

ontheflighttosingapore · 02/05/2024 14:18

I think that's taking it a bit to the extreme to say she's trying to take over motherhood role !!!!! She wants to give a bottle now and then there's a big difference 😂

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 02/05/2024 14:18

I formula fed and my midwife still told me to try and keep feeding to mum and dad for the first 6 weeks.
Stick to your guns OP and all the best.

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:19

I take on board what others are saying about MIL trying to influence OP. As I mentioned in my post I did try to BF, I also had my parents telling my that I'd be better off formula feeding and giving baby a bottle before baby was born just like OP. However, my parents were well intentioned grandparents who were trying to give advice from their own experience with their children. I took this advice in the well intentioned way it was meant and didn't feel pressurised into changing my mind. If OPs MIL is being particularly nasty about it then that's a problem.

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 14:21

Be prepared for the constant pressure and guilt tripping.

you’ll be called a martyr for wanting to bf. You’ll be met with faux concern about “giving yourself a break”, and not tying your self down to the baby. You’ll get this from family, friends, midwives, and doctors.

you’ll be called selfish and accused of not “allowing” others to “help” with the baby.

you’ll be questioned about how much milk baby is getting. How can you know? You’ll be told baby “looks hungry” and maybe you should give some formula. If you have any slight issue, if the baby doesn’t feed every four hours, sleep through the night at 6 weeks, if they cry, if they poo, you’ll be told it’s because they aren’t getting enough milk and you should switch to formula.

tell people if they want to help they can clean up, put a wash on, make tea, while you feed. Tell them that them feeding your baby does not give you a rest, they sit on their arses with a bottle while you run round pumping, fetching them tea and biscuits trying to catch up on chores.

Remember- other people feeding your baby is not helpful and does not give you a break. It creates more work as you need to Fanny around with sterilising, pumping etc as well as feeding and all the other shit.

it is no wonder bf rates are so low in this country.

Haydenn · 02/05/2024 14:23

It’s your baby, do whatever the hell you want

RomeoRivers · 02/05/2024 14:30

Your MIL is batshit crazy! You feed the baby however you want and don’t be pressured by anyone else.

I would also be really wary if this kind of shit has started before the baby is even born. Make sure you are really firm with boundaries from the beginning and that DH backs you 100%.

YourWinter · 02/05/2024 14:30

She’s had her turn, this child is not hers. She needs to back right off and your partner really needs to reiterate this, starting now.

I wonder how she remembers her own MIL’s behaviour when her own baby was born - supportive, or domineering, guilt-tripping…

muckymayhem · 02/05/2024 14:40

Is this an age thing? A generational thing? I keep reading threads like this - where mil is demanding to hold the baby / feed the baby / have hours on end with the baby. I dread to think that in ten years or so I might turn into one of these MILs who is so obsessive over new GC that they interfere like this. Who tells someone not to breastfeed their child just because they want to have a go with the bottle?!

How old is your MIL?! I can sort of see how people of MY parent's generation might have this type of attitude as many of them were convinced formula was the way forward in the 70s but I'm now in my 50s & wouldn't dream of trying to dissuade someone from breast feeding. For any reason - least of all so I could give a bottle. And why can't she see that coming on strong like this is just going to get your back up? Mind boggling.

user1492757084 · 02/05/2024 14:40

It's your baby.
Answer. With all respect, MIL, have your own baby if you want to feed it the way that suits you best.

Ilovecakey · 02/05/2024 14:52

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 14:21

Be prepared for the constant pressure and guilt tripping.

you’ll be called a martyr for wanting to bf. You’ll be met with faux concern about “giving yourself a break”, and not tying your self down to the baby. You’ll get this from family, friends, midwives, and doctors.

you’ll be called selfish and accused of not “allowing” others to “help” with the baby.

you’ll be questioned about how much milk baby is getting. How can you know? You’ll be told baby “looks hungry” and maybe you should give some formula. If you have any slight issue, if the baby doesn’t feed every four hours, sleep through the night at 6 weeks, if they cry, if they poo, you’ll be told it’s because they aren’t getting enough milk and you should switch to formula.

tell people if they want to help they can clean up, put a wash on, make tea, while you feed. Tell them that them feeding your baby does not give you a rest, they sit on their arses with a bottle while you run round pumping, fetching them tea and biscuits trying to catch up on chores.

Remember- other people feeding your baby is not helpful and does not give you a break. It creates more work as you need to Fanny around with sterilising, pumping etc as well as feeding and all the other shit.

it is no wonder bf rates are so low in this country.

Exactly this 100%! you should copy this and send it to her lol

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 15:41

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 14:21

Be prepared for the constant pressure and guilt tripping.

you’ll be called a martyr for wanting to bf. You’ll be met with faux concern about “giving yourself a break”, and not tying your self down to the baby. You’ll get this from family, friends, midwives, and doctors.

you’ll be called selfish and accused of not “allowing” others to “help” with the baby.

you’ll be questioned about how much milk baby is getting. How can you know? You’ll be told baby “looks hungry” and maybe you should give some formula. If you have any slight issue, if the baby doesn’t feed every four hours, sleep through the night at 6 weeks, if they cry, if they poo, you’ll be told it’s because they aren’t getting enough milk and you should switch to formula.

tell people if they want to help they can clean up, put a wash on, make tea, while you feed. Tell them that them feeding your baby does not give you a rest, they sit on their arses with a bottle while you run round pumping, fetching them tea and biscuits trying to catch up on chores.

Remember- other people feeding your baby is not helpful and does not give you a break. It creates more work as you need to Fanny around with sterilising, pumping etc as well as feeding and all the other shit.

it is no wonder bf rates are so low in this country.

to add:

if you’re breastfeeding you won’t be allowed to complain about being tired, exhausted, not coping, feeling down, struggling, if baby isn’t sleeping etc.

because it’s entirely your fault as you won’t let anyone help with the baby.

by “helping with the baby” they mean feeding. Whether it would be more help to cook, clean, wash, watch the baby so you can shower or nap is never considered.

DinoFlintstone · 02/05/2024 16:17

muckymayhem · 02/05/2024 14:40

Is this an age thing? A generational thing? I keep reading threads like this - where mil is demanding to hold the baby / feed the baby / have hours on end with the baby. I dread to think that in ten years or so I might turn into one of these MILs who is so obsessive over new GC that they interfere like this. Who tells someone not to breastfeed their child just because they want to have a go with the bottle?!

How old is your MIL?! I can sort of see how people of MY parent's generation might have this type of attitude as many of them were convinced formula was the way forward in the 70s but I'm now in my 50s & wouldn't dream of trying to dissuade someone from breast feeding. For any reason - least of all so I could give a bottle. And why can't she see that coming on strong like this is just going to get your back up? Mind boggling.

This ⬆️⬆️

I am shaking my head at this sort of MIL… what on earth is the matter with them, it’s really rude and intrusive - not to mention disrespectful!

Fwiw, I didn’t BF, but 100% back those who do and can’t imagine sticking my nose into what is the new parents business!

Incredible!

Boundaries, OP, very firm ones, as I fear this is onl6 the start for you😒

Wishing you well with you pregnancy xx

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2024 16:27

muckymayhem · 02/05/2024 14:40

Is this an age thing? A generational thing? I keep reading threads like this - where mil is demanding to hold the baby / feed the baby / have hours on end with the baby. I dread to think that in ten years or so I might turn into one of these MILs who is so obsessive over new GC that they interfere like this. Who tells someone not to breastfeed their child just because they want to have a go with the bottle?!

How old is your MIL?! I can sort of see how people of MY parent's generation might have this type of attitude as many of them were convinced formula was the way forward in the 70s but I'm now in my 50s & wouldn't dream of trying to dissuade someone from breast feeding. For any reason - least of all so I could give a bottle. And why can't she see that coming on strong like this is just going to get your back up? Mind boggling.

No it isn't!!

And breast was far more popular in the 70s than the 60s

And it's not generational or an age thing to demand the baby either
It's a personality thing

Elphamouche · 02/05/2024 16:30

1000% tell her to fuck off.

on a side note, get some premade formula just for the first day or so. Just incase you’re struggling. If you don’t use it, you can donate to a baby bank. But although I wanted and planned to combi feed, I didn’t expect to have to do it straight away, baby doesn’t take the breast as well as I’d hoped. Those bottles were an absolute godsend. She’s 6 weeks tomorrow and still combi fed but mostly formula.

YesIamahippie81 · 02/05/2024 16:34

No is a full sentence. She doesn't require anything more than that! She has raised her child and needs to step back. I wish you a lot of luck, my ex mil thought that my children were her second chance at parenting, do not let her bully you

Rabbitsarebraver · 02/05/2024 16:41

Just simply say no. Your MIL is a weirdo

Sugargliderwombat · 02/05/2024 16:49

Even if you do end up with some formula / bottle feeding you could keep it to just you and your husband for that bonding time. I found that by letting anyone do the feed I took longer to bond. I felt much happier once it was just us.

HcbSS · 02/05/2024 16:49

My DH really enjoyed giving a bottle and he was so excited to do it (was brilliant at taking turns overnight), so we made that choice together. But that's the point, we made it together. I didn't feel hard done by at all by not BF, but if you would, then she needs to respect that. How you feed your child is a matter for you and your partner.

Mnetcurious · 02/05/2024 16:52

Haven’t read any replies but I don’t need to - your MIL needs to back off. How you feed your baby is completely your choice and absolutely nothing to do with what she wants. She had her time to have babies and feed them, now it’s yours.

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 17:04

Elphamouche · 02/05/2024 16:30

1000% tell her to fuck off.

on a side note, get some premade formula just for the first day or so. Just incase you’re struggling. If you don’t use it, you can donate to a baby bank. But although I wanted and planned to combi feed, I didn’t expect to have to do it straight away, baby doesn’t take the breast as well as I’d hoped. Those bottles were an absolute godsend. She’s 6 weeks tomorrow and still combi fed but mostly formula.

I actually found it the other way.

i didn’t have formula ready. I figured if breastfeeding didn’t go as planned, either the hospital would have some or Dh would be able to nip to a supermarket and get some. There’s usually a petrol station open 24 hr somewhere.

i am glad I didn’t. I had so much pressure to give formula, I’d probably have given in. Even in hospital, with bf going well, when a m/w saw my breastfeeding again (!) I got the spiel about giving formula so I could “have a break”- how? Dh wasn’t there, I didn’t see her volunteering, and not to “make it difficult for myself”. When I said I hadn’t brought formula she went off on one, saying how did I know I could bf, when I was clearly sat in front of her breastfeeding! Then she went and got the lady next door a ready made bottle when she ran out of what she’d brought, no drama.

when I got home yes it was as hard, but I found cluster feeding on an evening I’d promise myself we’d go get formula tomorrow and I’d quit. Then the next day didn’t seem so bad, so I’d give it one more day. “One more day” got me to 4 weeks, then 8, then 12, by then it was easy and I didn’t even think about it.

if I’d had formula in I think I’d have weakened and given in. I’m glad I didn’t, as I bf for nearly 2 years in the end, and once over the difficult first few weeks it was really easy.

SerafinasGoose · 02/05/2024 17:05

Not her decision, is it?

theholesinmyapologies · 02/05/2024 17:05

As someone who bottle fed, YAdefinitelyNBU

Your baby, your choice. end of.

RampantIvy · 02/05/2024 17:06

also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.

Feeding a baby isn't the only way to bond with a baby. It is perfectly possible to enjoy many bonding experiences that don't involve feeding a baby.

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 02/05/2024 17:14

It's your baby, not hers. So you choose whatever feeding method works for you and your new baby. End of.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2024 17:15

Runningbird43 · 02/05/2024 15:41

to add:

if you’re breastfeeding you won’t be allowed to complain about being tired, exhausted, not coping, feeling down, struggling, if baby isn’t sleeping etc.

because it’s entirely your fault as you won’t let anyone help with the baby.

by “helping with the baby” they mean feeding. Whether it would be more help to cook, clean, wash, watch the baby so you can shower or nap is never considered.

Show quote history

THIS

With bells on.

You learn very quickly once you have a baby that nobody gives a rat's ass about you, the mother. You just become a target for criticism.

It can sometimes feel as if there's a conspiracy to diminish and devalue women as mothers. You've just done this stupendous thing - nurtured and then delivered into the world an entire new human being (or two) so you need to be taken down a peg lest you start believing you deserve anyone's respect or admiration.