To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

[PeedOffandPg]

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

Have read most of this thread absolutely . So sorry that what should be an exciting time for you is tinged with DP being an absolute arse. I'm speechless at his attitude and the way he has handled it. Stick to your guns, and let us know how it all goes. Good luck.

Perhaps you should show your DP this thread ?

Over 100 mothers ..... i.e. women who have given birth (not men, who haven't) can't all be wrong !! (or pessimists)

I really hope you get the birth you want and it isn't too marred by his arse-like attitude. Obviously, he is going to be the least of your worries for the first few weeks anyway, but I hope he comes to his senses and makes it up to you.

FWIW - this is the sort of thing he should be making up to you for the rest of your life IMO ..............

i hope the birth goes well for you and you have the support you need x

Haven't read all the posts but I cannot believe that your partner feels like this. Even if there are issues between you already where he feels you always want your own way - so what?? This is NOT the time for him to get stroppy and start insisting you see things his way. Regardless of whether a hospital would let her in or not (I don't think they would actually) it's your choice. I would feel awful having anyone watch me give birth other than my hubby and midwife. I even have a friend who is a midwife who wanted to deliver the baby but I said no because it made me feel unccomfortable. This will be your day. I think it's been very badly planned that his child will be with you at this time and I can only imagine his ex has agreed to make things uncomfortable with you. I would not want my child to witness a birth - no-one seems to be thinking of you or this poor child only what they want! You need to sit him down and ask if this is how life is goingt o be from now on?? With him pushing unreasonable expectations on you? Perhaps he'd like his parents to be there, best mate, bloke from the pub and the postman as well????? Tell him in no uncertain terms it ain't happening and if he has a problem with it you'll ask a friend or go it alone.

Good luck btw. Hope it all goes smoothly. If it's not as bad as you expected make sure you make lots of noise anyway just to get a point across!!!!! (and if he's there squeeze his hand really hard - I could suggest another part to squeeze really hard as well but if you want anymore kids better not)!!!

Hi Peedoffandpg- only just seen this!

Good idea to delay the induction if you are more comfy with it. if she's only down a short while it shouldn't be an issue if you are monitored.

I'm also looking at a possible induction, am 40+5 but because we have childcare issues the opportunities for me to be there with my DH are limited so I would rather have an induction as I cannot attend hospital for minitoring. Am bookjed for a homebirth atm so still got fingers crossed (its my 4th though), will amusingly possibly ahve an 8 year old there but this has been built in since day 1- DS1 has been well prepared, we have a Doula booked so that if he needs to take3 ds1 out or ds1 chooses to go as he is free to at any point, that can be done without me being left with nobody to support me.

really think your dp is acting very strangely indeed- now is not the time to get angry (will delay the birth anyway), but afterwards I think you need to think seriously about what caused him toa ct like this? It may be that he ahs promised his dd and feels boxed up, but i would need to know why myself.

Good luck with the birth..... if you do end up having an induction, ds1 was born by early induction and it was fine, nothing like the stories I'd heard 9and both afterwards were natural births so have experienced both).

Oh and I found birthing ds2 the ideal opportunity to bite DH for a few comments he amde during labour- well its ahrd for them to geta ngry when you're dosed up on pethidine and G&A.....)

Here is what happened next.
Had the scan today. The baby is fine so I decided to go for induction on MOnday because DD seems quite happy where she is.
Midwife actually said that I didnt seem ready to give birth tomorrow.

Told DP and he said "But DSD is coming MOnday" I tried not to get drawn into that. He said "What am I supposed to do,
I have to pick her up." Got so fed up with this that I reminded him that everytime I had ever raised a question about her
He had said that she wasnt my responsibility. But when I said it this time it was immediately interpreted as I didnt care,
what was he supposed to do, etc.
Apparently her mother is going away down South and "graciously" waited till MOnday.
He made it seem like I did this deliberately.

Somehow things escalated though I tried not to let them. He ended up ranting and saying that he wasnt going to disappoint his
daughter AGAIN and loads of things:

The world didnt revolve around me
I was using the baby as an excuse
He hoped I would die
I was a shit person
He said how could he be in two places at once. So, accepting that she was going to be here anyway I said "Okay, so look after her"

He then said "I wont stay with you if I cant be there for the birth"

When he asked what I was thinking I said "I dont think this can work"

LAter at screaming stage I said WTF, if she WAS there at the birth (which would never happen, tho he doesnt know that) and it
all got out of hand and he had to take her away, he woudlnt be there at the birth anyway!!!! But that would be okay, would it???

His point of view is that if I had never spoken up everything would be okay, never raised my concern about an eight year old
being at the birth (I never mentioned that it would make me uncomfortable, but he took it as me not wanting her there anyway,
never imagining I might have a good reason."

Big rant about all the things he dislikes about me. I said if I was such a shit person why didnt he just leave. By this point I had had enough
As he does he tried to point out all the ways I had mistreated him. I just said I had no wish to treat him badly, but that I was not a shit person
and he should find someone who made him happy.

He didnt walk out. I told him to go. He tried his hardest to stay, but never apologised and actually repeated that he hoped I would die
because my child didnt deserve a mother like me.
He said "Last chance. If I leave I'm not coming back" He thinks I'll blub to everyone that he left. Well he didnt. I made him go.

The worst possible time to dump my baby's father, I know, but I cant live like this.

Not the best time to break up but..... he sounds like a bit of a prat. Now that might be a temporary thing related to lots of stress atm and feeling torn between your needs and dd.... only you can know what he's like normally. But if this is a snapshot of him normally, then I'd say get someone else in ASAP to be your birth partner and look forwards to your darling LO in the knowledge that there's far better things to worry about atm

oh my goodness. Have only read half of this but you are being very strong. Keep it up.

What a toad, might not seem like it now, but you are better off without him at the moment.

Wishing you a safe and peaceful birth.

Oh and one of the things I screamed at him was that yes, right at this time the world DID revolve around me and all I could care about was my DD.
It was all I could do not to scream that I couldnt give a flying fck about DSD and that he should just shut the fck up.

in some ways it is great he is so committed to his daughter, but so bad he cannot make room in his life for your needs and the new baby

i wish you a peaceful and happy birth and that you get enough support from teh MWs .

he told you he hopes you will DIE!

because you're a shit person.

WTF.

DUMP HIM.

there's a reason why his ex dumped him.

he's a TWAT.

anyone who tells a woman who's pregnant with his child that he hopes she dies is a fuckwit extraordinnaire.

not to mention he is the one who thinks the world revolves around him.

you don't need a bastard like this in your life, tbh.

good call on not letting him move in with you.

It IS stress related, his behaviour, I know that, but there was something about saying "I hope you die" just before I am due to give birth that I just couldnt take. It was childish and nasty and it made something click in my head to the effect of "Do I REALLY need this?"

He should never have put me in this position. I said that he clearly couldnt cope with the conflicts that having two families would bring.

I dont know. I have now proved to myself that I could take seeing him walk out the door without falling to pieces. That's quite dangerous.

look, we've all snapped under stress.

but when we're adults, we recognise it and we exercise maturity and self-control and refrain from saying stuff like 'i hope you die because your children doesn't deserve such a shit mother' and the like.

that just goes over the score.

however stressed he is, saying he wants you to die, and saying it more than once, when you are expecting his child is just hideous.

he sounds like a brat having a tantrum

who will be with you at the birth?

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You are so brave and are doing exactly the right thing. Everyone here wants the best for you and your new baby - don't forget we are all thinking of you even if we can't be with you!

good luck, sounds like you're better off without him, what an awful thing to say. do you have someone to be with you?

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I know it is bloody hard going it alone with a baby but I just cant seem to care right now. I want him to grovel that he was wrong and unreasonable but he wont.

He really crossed a line. Stressed or not, I wont forget this. I dont know what will happen now, he will probably come back and we will try to work it out, but I know that my tolerance level has gone down now.

Yes its great that he is so committed to his DD but I should never have had to endure this. This is MY time FFS!

I dont have the headspace to care about his DD - he said he wouldnt see her again till the summer. That's bollocks, he could go down and visit.
He just didnt like me rocking the boat and speaking up. Well sod that. Like I say, this is MY time.

Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. X

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if he cannot commit properly to you and the baby before he/she arrives , how will he do it when the baby is here?

i thikn you have made the right decision

i hope that someone sits him down and tells him straight how selfish he has been