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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 04/04/2008 18:08

I do have a name, would rather not post it here tho.

He is calling me non-stop now so I am going to go and deal with it. Am in that headspace where I just think I can deal with anything.

Again thanks for your support. I will post again and let you know what happens.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/04/2008 18:08

hope that he is calling to grovel !

Kimi · 04/04/2008 18:10

I would not want my own children watching me give birth let alone someone else's

I think you need to make your DP see that you need him to support you and be their for the birth of this child, not behave like a brat saying if his daughter can't be there he wont be..

justabouttohavelunch · 04/04/2008 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 04/04/2008 18:30

Oh, god - how awful. You poor thing.

The thing is, every other factor is irrelevant because the basic issue with the whole stupid plan of his has manifest itself. You being induced on Monday, he says 'but I have to pick up my dd'.

EXACKERLY.

I'm so sorry he has ruined your birth tome like this.

Have you got friends who will be with you? You can't go home on your own with a new baby....Where is Scotland are you? This seems to me to be a MN gather-round moment. Can anyone get to you and visit? (I'm down South but would come if I were closer).

geordieminx · 04/04/2008 18:30

If you are anywhere near me (in Lanarkshire) I would love to help you out, be a mate, meet for coffee or whatever?

geordieminx · 04/04/2008 18:48

You can email me [email protected] if you want.

Freckle · 04/04/2008 19:00

Yet again he has made the whole issue about him and his dd, not about you and the baby you are about to have. Absolutely unacceptable.

He may be a great father, but he's a crap partner. In fact, he's not that great a father if he's prepared to miss the birth of his child - and for him to say, more than once, that he hopes you die is just un-bloody-believable.

Catz · 04/04/2008 19:18

I have been following this with amazement and can only agree with what the vast majority (all?) other posters have said. I cannot understand why he wants HIS baby forced out of the womb when the medical view is that she is not ready, with all the potential complications that could cause.

If I were you, I would put the relationship with him out of your mind as far as possible and focus entirely on yourself and the lo for the coming weeks and esp the next few days. Try not to dwell on him and what a t* he has been. Your well-being, emotional, physical and mental, is the most important thing for the two of you (you and lo). He is threatening that. If it were me, I would tell him that you want his 100% support on your terms, with no further argument or discussion of the last few days until you are recovered from the birth and the lo settled. If he can't do then I'd tell him you won't be seeing him until you decide that you and lo are settled. I'd then spend the time before the birth entirely focused on myself. Sit in cafes with books, have early nights with DVDs or whatever you enjoy and helps you relax. On a practical note, make sure you have everything you might need in terms of food (in hospital and home) and baby stuff as you have to assume there'll be no-one to do the running for you.

BEst of luck with everything

clam · 04/04/2008 19:50

I can't imagine any stress that would make anyone, let alone your partner who supposedly loves you, justify saying they hope you die whilst giving birth to their child. I'm speechless. But, how strong are you? to kick him into touch at this moment, when it would be so easy to make excuses for him out of neediness. Good on you, girl! In your wobbly moments, just remember how proud of yourself you will be in years to come that you stood up to a self-centred kid who couldn't see beyond his own selfish viewpoint at such an important time.

Lovesdogsandcats · 04/04/2008 19:54

Been following this too.

You seem really clear thinking on this, and not the type to fall for his apologies, grovelling ones or not.

People like him are emotionally draining and all your energy needs to go to your baby, not him.

You don't live with him, and you already know this, but you really do not need him.
Sounds like he knows it too, hence the trying to make this about anyone but you.

macdoodle · 04/04/2008 20:08

For the first time on MN I am sat here with my mouth open in shock - he said he hopes you die...my god what if something did happen to you (god forbid)....
Now my H is twunt extreme - had affair got OW pregant begged me to take him back got me pregnant still seeing her etc etc ....I chucked him out when I was pregnant BUT he was there at birth he put me and my LO FIRST (and we have another DD and his OW had very small DD)...but even he managed to keep a grip on normality hold my hand and do the right thing...your P behaviour is NOT normal at all...and you know that sorry....
And TBH it is actually easier with new baby and not having a childish self centred twunt around to deal with.....
I really feel for you please CAT me if you want to/need to - I am alone with DD1 (age 6) and new baby - with childish controlling H wanting to be involved !

fym · 04/04/2008 20:26

Just a thought - I think your DP may have made the assumption (very very stupidly) that all babies arrive in

fym · 04/04/2008 20:28

PS hope it all works out for you - he is being completely unreasonable BTW....BUT i suspect because he thinks babies arrive like shelling peas!

MelissaM · 04/04/2008 20:30

Just discovered this thread - V ! As everyone else has said, you have made the right decision.

Good luck with the birth and I hope it is peaceful and as stress-free as possible.

TheHedgeWitch · 04/04/2008 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cyteen · 04/04/2008 20:45

Feckin nora. This thread made me gape-mouthed in disbelief the first time round, but the update has just left me speechless. I've never read anything so despicably low in my life. Please, please, someone out there give this 'man' a hard stabbing kick in the balls, for everyone's sake.

Peedoffandpg, I wish you the smoothest, calmest, plainest-sailing birth in the world and every happiness under the sun with your beautiful new baby You have done the right thing for both of you.

DoodleToYou · 04/04/2008 20:45

Message withdrawn

QueenBhannae · 04/04/2008 20:51

and for you. That he has put you in this position at a delicate time is disgraceful.
I do think that you are amazing though. It is very difficult to let go of the 'safe' option even if it is for the best.
Only you can know that this is a true snapshot of his behaviour(which you have implied it is I think?)and that you and your precious girl will be just fine without him.
By all accounts he may make a dedicated father and you will be able to find somebiody just for you to have a mature relationship with when you feel ready.
I foolishly stayed with an abusive man through my first pregnancy because I wanted my child to have a father there. His abuse escalated after the birth and I plucked up the courage to leave when the police took him away (for being violent towards them after I had called them out). I chose not to marry him as I knew the relationship was not right despite spending over seven years with him.
He is an excellent father to our daughter now and sees her all the time and I found my husband soon after we split. I married him 18mths after we met because it felt right.
Maybe you have chosen to live apart because you know deep down that it won't work out as I chose not to marry my first partner?
I hope that you have a peaceful and relaxing weekend. Do you have friends near and someone to help you birth?

twirlymum · 04/04/2008 20:52

You do not need two babies to look after. I wish you a safe, easy birth. If I lived near you I would come and hold your hand. It's made me want to come round and hit him with something heavy to knock some sense into him! Does he have parents around? If so, why are they not telling him what a twat he's being?

squeaver · 04/04/2008 21:02

Just caught up with this thread and wanted to add my good wishes. Can't really say any more than has already been said. All the very best for the birth of your baby. You'll meet her and all this shit will melt away.

geordieminx · 04/04/2008 21:08

With all the stress and upset he has caused you today it wouldnt surprise me if you go into labour tonight.... infact where are you

Bainmarie · 04/04/2008 21:20

Just wanted to add my good wishes to you too.

Surr3ymummy · 04/04/2008 21:39

good luck, stay strong and thinking of you.

catsmother · 04/04/2008 22:09

Oh sweetheart, I am SO SO sorry he has ruined (or at least has tried to) such a special time for you by being so outrageously cruel. He is supposed to be a grown man right, but his behaviour, attitude and now, the vile remarks, indicate that he is anything but.

You are being very brave to have shown him the door. Many women would have swallowed the hurt and insults because they felt so vulnerable at a time like this.

I don't know what will happen long term - for now, you obviously need to concentrate on doing what feels right for you ...... sod him, looking after no. 1 is all you should be thinking of right now. However, I can't help thinking that if he is so obsessively blinkered about his DD - to the point of callous ridiculousness - that perhaps you are better off without him ? If he is willing to disregard your physical, practical and emotional needs at a time like this, when you needed him most, then what would he have been like on an "ordinary" day to day basis. I can't help feeling that his 1st DD would be significantly favoured over his 2nd child, if he can behave like this now.

Obviously, you'll have some sort of bond together going forward by way of the child you have together ..... but I think I'd rather bring that child up on my own (with regular contact with dad) than have them exposed to feeling they were regarded as inferior to their sibling on a daily basis. I can also appreciate that you must be feeling shell-shocked at being regarded in the same manner (inferior) compared to a child. Not that it's the child's fault .... but all this was totally avoidable and 99.9999% of normal men would have avoided it without question as the decent thing to do.

I am furious that he has tried to make you feel guilty and like some sort of wicked stepmother for objecting to this - wrong on so many levels. It's not like you're stealing the food out of his child's mouth, or demanding he stops seeing her. I truly think this "man" must have very serious issues to be so disgracefully cruel and obsessed at a time like this - it's not normal and it's not healthy. He is utterly contemptible.

IIRC, you don't have any family nearby ? Please consider calling what family you do have, and who you are close to, now all this has happened ...... I'm sure people will rally round to help you if at all possible. It breaks my heart thinking of you labouring alone. Do you have any friends who could accompany you instead ?

Damn ..... typing "good luck" and "best wishes" seems so futile, but it's all I can do .....