Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
justaboutasleep · 02/04/2008 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 02/04/2008 12:54

PeedOff - I think you should pick up your telephone and call your MW now and have a conversation with her to get things straight.

Good luck.

lucyellensmum · 02/04/2008 12:55

FWIW, they were quite happy for my DD (15 to be there, but she chose not to stay - that was when i was in the little room, but i had to be moved into the surgical room on account of having a monster baby 9Ilb 9oz and them worrying that she would be too big for my pelvis, she nearly was. Im not so sure they would have allowed her to stay then. Plus the woman in the next room was screaming like a banshee - DD said she wanted to go and tell her to shut the fuck up, her mothers having a baby

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 12:56

things can go wrong easily in childbirth; especially if you are a first timer. Does an 8 year old really need to see an episiotomy; forceps or ventouse? or a 'still' baby at birth?

(not worrying you just thinking of all scenarios btw)

terramum · 02/04/2008 12:58

YANBU - your DH needs to know that birthing involves feeling safe & secure & relaxed in your surroundings. Ask him if he would be happy taking a poo in fron of his daughter

terramum · 02/04/2008 12:58

Sorry that shoukd be son not daughter...

macdoodle · 02/04/2008 13:00

The more I think about this the more I am - it is NOT appropriate for an 8 year old to be there - you will be aware of her - god I screamed and swore and shouted in labour would N have wanted a child to hear it nor have to try and control myself because a child was there IYSWIM...
Your H is being a complete arse you should be his priority at least for the delivery...oh the childs mother is being an arse too she should really know better!! on your behalf!

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 13:02

As some have said, the hopital will not allow her to be there - as far as I know. He needs to rethink child care arrangements imo - and fast!!

It is totally unreasonable to expect his dd to be at the birth without your consent.

LynetteScavo · 02/04/2008 13:03

Great point, terramum.

The visit really should wait untill after the birth.

You might not going into labour during the visit, though. Babies can be late or early.

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 13:04

Holy crap!!!!
I can't think of anything more reasonable that wanting to choose who your birth partners are. I was very unlucky, so you're almost certainly not going to go through this, but I had 3 days of early labour, 14 hours of full blown hard core OP labour, 2 hours of pushing a transfer out of the birthing centre and 2.5 hours in the consultant led unit resulting in an instrument delivery. It was (sadly) quite a typical birth for a woman in my family.
Can you imagine having an 8 year old around for that? At the very least, she would be bored out of her mind. At worst she would be put off childbearing for life. Even the incidental stuff like seeing you naked, seeing the blood, seeing you poo I think is not great for a child.

And what's more, even if it is OK, and he knows his DD and she will be fine with it, what about what you need? It is so important for a woman to feel relaxed and comfortable during labour. There is a load of anecdotal evidence on here that when the DP/DH either turned up at the delivery suite or went away (depending on what was subconciously holding the woman back ) that labour that had stalled suddenly got going and the baby was born almost instantly. Your state of mind is so important!

LynetteScavo · 02/04/2008 13:04

No 8 year old should be exposed to the language I used when in lobour!

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 13:05

I had mine at home and all my kids were in the house for the first three - but asleep and we ahd someone who coudl deal withthem if they woke.

Would have been happy for them to be around but they would have got pretty bored - especially in hospital where there is nothing to do. YOU have not idea how long yo will take.

TBH he seems slightly insane

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 13:06

induction is saturday if she has not gone into labour and child will be there by then

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 13:06

Actually, I would organsie for your best mate to be with you and take dh up on h is offer to stay with his dd

pistachio · 02/04/2008 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beansprout · 02/04/2008 13:07

I had a lovely birth centre lined up and ended up in theatre at 2 in the morning. What is an 8yo going to do then?

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 13:08

and what is the mother thinking actually?!?

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 13:09

Just thinking about this. In the birthing centre where I did most of my labouring there were no visiting hours, and visitors could turn up whenever they wanted. However, the MWs made it clear that they were quite happy to lie through their teeth and say that you couldn't have visitors if you wanted/needed time to yourself.
So maybe you could talk to your MW and could "find out from her" that sadly anyone under 16 is not allowed in the delivery suite. Then it wouldn't have to be your decision. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if that's true anyway. A friend of mine wanted her Mum to stay with her, but her Mum was shown the door, only her DP was allowed for the labour and birth. Some hospitals are really strict about the one-birthing-partner rule.

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 13:23

Good point scorpio, does the mother even know about all this? I certainly would want DD to see someone in labour at age 8.

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 13:25

it's just that i am a step-parent and Dss Mum (although we notoriously dislike each other from years ago) has said that we will see dss when I'm better and when DH is ready, she is not hassling this at all.

I just wonder if she knows that her dd will be seeing a birth and that Peedoffandpg is upset about this - any woman can surely respect anothers desire involving childbirth??

AbbeyA · 02/04/2008 13:31

YANBU - it is quite inappropriate for an 8 year old, even if it was to be quick and problem free. It is very unfair on you to have to be worried about her when giving birth! Is there someone who could babysit her?

GrapefruitMoon · 02/04/2008 13:36

Why on earth is your sd even visiting if you are about to give birth??? There are threads on here regularly from MNetters fretting about what to do with their older children during the birth - when they don't have any family nearby to leave them with.

Can you talk to her mother and see if she can wait and bring her to visit after the birth - or does your dh have family nearby to leave her with.

Your dh sounds like a twunt, sorry

sitdownpleasegeorge · 02/04/2008 13:36

Ask him if he's happy to show his anus and his willy/balls soft adn erect to his daughter for about half an hour's exposure so that she can get a really good look and ask any questions she has.

Also can she stay with him at work for a few hours whilst he is in the middle of a really complicated peice of work and under pressure/stressed.

He needs to then go away and think about what he is asking of you.

If all else fails suck heavily on the gas and air, declare that she appears to be a smurf and an evil smurf with green hair who must go away immediately and that should get her away for the final bit of the birth.

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 13:38

Wow. I would be livid!
I took my mother last time as dh faints so maybe you could take someone else and let him stay at home and miss out.
What an utter tit he is. Do you really want that kind of selfish, immature ('well if she can't go, I won't go')attitude polluting YOUR birth?
at the step mum ffor going along with this!

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 13:39

Oh he can really be an arse. he actually said "I hope you dont swear" when I was talking about labour being stressful a month or so ago.
Makes me want to turn the air blue.
I know him, he has been caught on the hop by the birth being late. This has been arranged for a while now and obviously everyone thought I would have the baby by now.
Not that this STILL would have been too soon to see DSD.
But he should have made contingency plans and said "If she hasnt given birth by this time we'll have to see you a bit later". But he doesnt want to disappoint her. He bends over backwards for his kids and is a totally committed parent. It was why I chose him as a father.

However, at the moment I couldnt care whether he is there or not - I am so angry at not being put first.

DSD's mother knows that she may be present at the birth I think - doesnt seem to be an issue .

I think she should bloody well hang around till after the birth at least.

So now I am hoping that I will have the baby naturally before Saturday to spare myself this, which means its hardly likely to happen as I'm too tense.
Think I will phone midwife and see what she says.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts: