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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
Lulumama · 02/04/2008 19:26

do you know, this sort of behaviour would be making me question whether this man would ever put my needs/ child's needs above his own

get a doula

and sack him as birth partner

he sounds ludicrously self absorbed

Journey · 02/04/2008 19:30

This situation is very odd especially since it isn't even going to be a home birth.

I can't believe a DP would even suggest it without thinking that his girlfriend would have the final say. Does he not value your feelings?

TALLULAHBELLE · 02/04/2008 19:37

Where in Scotland are you? Which hosp? I am reasonably near the QMH, can I help you out at all with DSD, take her round the Art Galleries or something, although this really not the issue I know. Am just reading this like & wondering if I can do anything for you.

Lulumama · 02/04/2008 19:39

you are in scotland ?

klaw and pruners are both scottish doulas who post on here, i have email addresses for them both !!

geordieminx · 02/04/2008 19:40

I'm near Wishaw ((waves at Tallulah))

TALLULAHBELLE · 02/04/2008 19:45

Can you afford a doula? This sounds like a good option. (hi GMM)

serendippity · 02/04/2008 19:46

terribly rude. Of course it is your day- and it should be his as well, holding your hand. To pretty much emotionaly blackmail you into agreeing she can come without even asking you is waaay off.
If you are happy for her to be there, well done- i'm not sure i would be tbh- but he definalty, definatly should have talked this over with you.
Not surprised you are upset i would be fumimg

Blandmum · 02/04/2008 19:50

You should practice saying this, 'Look, I don't want anyone there but you, and the midwife. If you can't cope with my decision , fuck off, and I 'll get a birthing partner who understands that for this one day my needs come first. If you cannot or will not understand that I need someone else there. This isn't a family adventure it is the day i'm giving birth'

Then get your mobile, grab him by his scrotum, pull it up over his head, and then phone his dd and invite her round to enjoy the shared family experience.

honestly, he sounds lie a complete tosser

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 19:54

Tallulah, thanks for your kind offer, but DP will manage DSD fine. I wont be left alone with her.

If I am being kind I would say that DP so desperately wants to spend time with his DD that he is letting this cloud his judgement. He thinks I favour everyone else's opinion over his (which, given his more outrageous statements, I tend to do)

Is it weird that I am actually looking forward to being alone with my baby while DP is out with DSD?

Obviously I will appreciate the help and support as I will be knackered from birth at first and maybe this is hormones talking, but at the mo I really couldnt care whether he is there or not.

He has been an arse and right now I cant be bothered with him. Am tired but have got everything I wanted to say out of my system and now just enjoying the peace.

I wont have a doula, I will give him a chance to prove himself as a birth partner now I know DSD wont be there.

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/04/2008 19:59

Given his totally self-centred attitude, I can quite see why you don't want to live with him. It would be like having another child in the house - it's all me, me, me.

Hope you can now relax and let the birth start naturally.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2008 20:02

I agree with Lulu.

How about advertising for a student doula if you can't afford a fully-qualified one?

Ineedacleaner · 02/04/2008 20:06

Where about in scotland are you?
North, South, East or West??

pelafina · 02/04/2008 20:08

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadows · 02/04/2008 21:00

But dsd is not there because he has realized he is unreasonable, but because the midwives has agreed to keep her away from you, and his EX has agreed to bring her later to give you some more space.

Is that really an ideal situation? Where on earth is his reasoning? Where is his support and understanding for you, his pregnant partner, mother of his next child?

I would take him on his own word and say "Fine, neither you nor your dd is there then."

I cannot believe that a man who has previously fathered children is such a totall tosser regards to childbirth. How old is he if you dont mind me asking? Has he ever been present at a birth before? If he regards it an adventure to be shared with his dd then he is a total nutcase. His DD!! fgs, how about regarding it an adventure to share with his partner??

He wants your birth of HIS child to be a special time for him and his dd?? He is mad.

I am amazed you actually want him there. Way to go to show lack of support, I think he beats them all!

Chequers · 02/04/2008 21:11

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 02/04/2008 21:52

YANBU. an eight year old should not be at a birth. I would have been very uncomfortable having anyone except my DH at the birth of our children.

anniemac · 02/04/2008 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 02/04/2008 22:04

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CrushWithEyeliner · 02/04/2008 22:13

i am so for you - this should be a special time. An adventure - it's a very very personal. emotional traumatic, joyous, sacred event.
He sounds like an utter dick. I cannot believe has gone through this before.

latchmeregirl · 02/04/2008 22:22

Just read this and at your dh. Under no circumstances would I have wanted a young child witnessing me giving birth.
However, in answer to your question - you absolutely can go over 14 days if you're being monitored. I think it's called expectant management - they basically monitor the welfare of the baby and the state of the placenta. Friend of mine just had her baby at 43 weeks.
Best of luck. I really hope it all works out for you.

Freckle · 02/04/2008 22:27

Estimated delivery date is just that - estimated. The normal gestation period for humans is between 38 and 42 weeks, so at 42 weeks you could be said to be at term anyway. That then gives you another 14 days before you are classed as really over due.

ThinWhiteDuchess · 02/04/2008 22:28

PeedOff, I am so so sorry for you. Your DP sounds a total arse -- he is not thinking of you, of your unborn child or actually of his daughter. He is thinking only of himself. His ex also sounds like she is being totally unreasonable. She has been through childbirth before (however 'easy' your DP thought it was) and should realise that you are about to give birth and the last thing you want/need is to have to think about a young girl (whether or not she is at the birth, she still needs looking after). Which brings me to my next point...your DP is not being a great father to his 8 year old DD at all...what would happen if you had to be rushed to hospital in the middle of the night? How is that being a good parent to his DD if there is the option of her being safely at home at her mother's??

Your post has made me angrier than anything I have ever read on MN. Your DP is being TOTALLY UNREASONABLE. Also, I sense there is the added pressure of the fact he has seen his 3 children being born previously; all of the births appear to have been relatively straightforward (in his mind), so the pressure is really on you to 'perform' -- not swear (God forbid you may swear when you are pooing a watermelon!) and give birth in a matter of minutes without breaking as much as a sweat! FFS! I am so angry on your behalf.

I wish you the very best of luck with your birth, whoever is with you. xxx

suey2 · 03/04/2008 09:15

please let us know how it goes- best of luck- i am sure we are all thinking of you

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 03/04/2008 18:35

Hi Everyone,

I have still not had an apology - he is so thick he cant see anything unreasonable about his actions. If I say what could go wrong he just says I am being pessimistic and it might not happen

However I have decided not to go ahead with the induction and am going for a scan tomorrow to check the baby is ok. I will also get a sweep (got an internal exam and it wasnt as bad as I thought. Uncomfortable rather than painful.) Maybe that will start something off.

I would like to go for expectant management, that sounds good.

Thank you for your support. Its helped me decide to have the baby MY way, not at DP's convenience!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 03/04/2008 18:35

Hi Everyone,

I have still not had an apology - he is so thick he cant see anything unreasonable about his actions. If I say what could go wrong he just says I am being pessimistic and it might not happen

However I have decided not to go ahead with the induction and am going for a scan tomorrow to check the baby is ok. I will also get a sweep (got an internal exam and it wasnt as bad as I thought. Uncomfortable rather than painful.) Maybe that will start something off.

I would like to go for expectant management, that sounds good.

Thank you for your support. Its helped me decide to have the baby MY way, not at DP's convenience!

OP posts:
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