To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

[PeedOffandPg]

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

yanbu
an 8 year old might be terrified

Err, i would be furious and telling DH that she would not be there, and it was his loss if he wasn't. He is sounding quite selfish to me.

BTW i am a step-parent, also pg and have told DH that DSS can come when i am up on my feet properly.

Sorry, namechanged for this. Meant to say that I think its nice she will be here for the birth, I am even ok about her witnessing it, but am concerned because I will be naked and vulnerable. He said if it all got too much of course he would take her away but where does that leave me????

Bizarre if you ask me - not sure they actually allow children on labour ward TBH??
Why can't she come and visit after baby is born you will have your hands full !!
Oh YANBU by the way!

Thank you. I am really upset by this.

if you are ok with here being there, she should be able at that age to go and watch a film or something in another room if she is scraed. IKWYM about being vulnerable.

I am hoping labour ward will put their foot down TBH. Going for scan tomorrow (as am overdue) so will speak to them about it.

You are NOT being unreasonable. How rude is he...

Having said that if you are happy for her to be there, it seems this is more about the 'issues' you refer to. And thats a whole different story.

would a chat whilst doing a birth plan with MW present help?

yes, right, say labour ward says no. tough then isn't it.

Blimey! YANBU at all. I wouldn't want onlookers at the birth, just dh, mw and me. I would not want a 8yr old to witness a birth either. I found it daunting enough watching as an adult.

DH is being a plank.

Do you know when you are having the baby then?

yanbu - it is your day (and his also.) you should be working together on this - not him having to look after an 8yr old as well. have you checked the labour units policy??

He is BU because he is not discussing this with you, I think it is a bit much going around and giving the mother ultimatums about labour and birth. Why is he so touchy,

DP is saying that I have the glass half empty and not allowing me my concerns. That pisses me off too. Just because his ex had easy births doesnt mean I will!

YANBU.

You have the absolute right to be with exactly whomever you choose when you give birth. Having people around who you don't want there is not just disagreeable but actually dangerous for you and your baby (could cause you to tense up and not "let go" into the birthing process).

Please explain this to your DH, with the help of your MW (who should support your decision) if necessary.

I wouldn't be surprised if labour ward don't allow her to be present.
yanbu and good luck!

HE is being totally unreasonable, and quite frankly unfair to his DD. ARe you going to be having the baby at home or hospital? The whole clinical environment puts most people on edge as it is, but an 8 year old. My DD was 15 and whilst she came to the hospital, grumpy and bleary eyed because it was four am! she waited outside, but she is old enough to take herself off and crash out in a chair, thats what she did, then came in after the birth. There were complications (nothing serious) and i nearly had to have forceps, i think that would have had her stone cold fainted on the floor. They would most definately ask your Sdd to leave i would have thought. Is there anyone who can come to the hospital and keep her happy? I think your husband is being a trifle bullying over this - either she goes or he doesnt? sorry, but PIG! you have my sympathy

I wouldnt want a child there tbh. Your DH will be distracted by looking after her and making sure she is ok/fed/not scared etc, especially if its a long labour and he wont be able to concentrate on being there for you.
I'd speak to your MW tomorrow and ask her to say no kids allowed so your DH cant press the point with you!

I will be induced on Saturday if baby not here - her mum will have gone by then.
I have to go now but please keep posting - your support means a lot and reassures me its not hormones making me unreasonable.

What does the girls mother think? Does she think it's appropriate?

And in answer to your Q - YANBU

And it's a hospital not a home birth.

Will you definitely have the baby in the 5 days she is there?

Sorry, read your reply.

Not fair on you or DSD. Alternative arrangements will need to be made for her.

YANBU

As you say, there are all sorts of outcomes. I wish you an easy birth but what if it's not? Long labour? Even a c-section? He really hasn't thought this through. I would also go with the "midwife says she is not allowed" option.