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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
terramum · 02/04/2008 13:40

Have to say I personally don't think its innapropraite at all for a child to be present at a birth, so long as both the mother & the child are happy with it & the child is prepared for what actually happens at a birth (noises, fluids, possible emergencies etc). Birth is a normal biological process, not a medical emergency and IMO mothers & fathers-to-be would be a lot less nervous about it if it was treated as such & they had been exposed to birth earlier in their lives.

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 13:40

sitdownpleasegeorge I wish I could show him that - but thanks it made me laugh!

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 02/04/2008 13:41

Yes but she's not happy with it is she...

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 13:41

That's the thing - I dont really think its inappropriate either - its his attitude that makes me so

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 13:42

he sounds like an arse. DH adores his first son, but realises that i NEED to do this my way - if i wanted to do it in the middle of the garden hanging upside down then he will have to do that with me!

Seriously though, on another note, all this could trigger some sort of PND issue - you may feel on show, like you have to recover, etc etc before your time frame.

He needs to be told that Dsd can come after the birth and thats it - yes he will miss her BUT he is going to have another baby soon and needs to put that first for a bit.

MissingMyHeels · 02/04/2008 13:42

This is probably going to become a non-issue anyway. The labour ward are highly unlikely to allow children visitors, I mean, even the post natal ward only allows siblings! The infection risk is too much.

The labour ward where I had my DD recently weren't very happy about me having my Mum and DP there but as they were quiet they let it be. I was a complete psychopath during my induction and wouldn't have wanted that witnessed by anyone. Also, it takes a bloody long time in most cases, she will be bored, hungry and incredibly tired - you can't deprive a child of sleep, that's just cruel. Labour is dull until the actual birth.

Absolutely insane. YANBU.

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 13:43

Great parent but shite husband.
DUMP HIM and get yourself a toyboy lover for you, he can have all the kids whilst his new wife delivers his next batch!
He is a prime Pillock.

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 13:43

could you show him this thread?

titchy · 02/04/2008 13:46

Can you contact dsd's mother and ask her very nicely to prepare her dd for what birth is actually like, and what all the eventualities would be - just in case she is around for it? at least you'd know that dsd's mum knew about it. It may be that she doesn't realise she may be present. Or ask her if she is OK with her dd being in a family room on her own waiting?

pelafina · 02/04/2008 13:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 13:47

No, sadly I couldnt show him this thread - tho I would like to! It would just fan the flames of his big gripe about how he is last to be included in everything.
He is being a big effing baby and I would like to thump him quite honestly.

OP posts:
pelafina · 02/04/2008 13:48

Message withdrawn

Squirdle · 02/04/2008 13:49

Crikey you aren't being unreasonable at all!!

DS1 was 8 when DS2 came along and there is no way I would allowed him to watch me give birth. He was hte first peron we called and told (I let him stay off school with Grandma) so he felt special and he was the first person to see him, but thats as far as it goes!

It's unlikely that a labour ward would allow an 8 yr old to watch anyway, but I think you need to speak to your midwife and let her know your feelings about this and how your partner feels. She will want to help and will probably be able to say she thinks it would be a bad idea.

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 13:50

I dont feel I can speak to DSD's mum about it.
He was there for the birth of his two, but they were incredibly fast - first was 20 mins from getting in the hospital and the next was 16!
So he has no experience of a long and protracted labour.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 13:52

does he know that that type of labour is rare?? I am lucky that dh's first birth experience was long and aided, mine was very fast so he was overcautious of me.

Sound's like MW will need to tell him some things - better still get her to say that it is not allowed.

Youcannotbeserious · 02/04/2008 13:53

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I'm also a step mum and PG and I do look after my DSDs on my own regularly (which I am fine with) but I have asked my DH to make sure that the week after I give birth, the girls aren't here.

I don't think that would be fair on me, the baby, or them. We need time to get into some sort of routine without upsetting theirs

can you come up with a compromise? I've offered to look after DSD before and after the birth (I've offered to take care of the DSDs in the summer holidays for instance)

but, for this period (only a few weeks), I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to expect your DH beside you

What's his relationship with his ex like?

pelafina · 02/04/2008 13:55

Message withdrawn

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 13:56

I am quite happy for you to tell him about my experience if it would help. I didn't go into hospital until I was 5-6cm dilated, and I was still there for 14 hours until DD was born. 14 hours is a VERY long time! To be honest, DH is still traumatised by the whole experience and he is an adult, he's a pretty tough person normally and went to all the antenatal classes so was as clued in as you can be.
Even if you have an average and normal first birth, you will be in labour for quite a long time.
Your husband is being an arse. It is lovely that he doesn't want to let his child down, but he has all the wrong priorities here. Let DSD be the first to know about the birth and the first to visit, and include her in the DB's life, but there is no way that she should be at the birth.

Freckle · 02/04/2008 13:56

Has anyone actually asked the child if she wants to be there? She may be horrified at the thought but not want to disappoint her dad if he is determined that she should be included.

Quite frankly if he says that either his dd is there or he won't be, I'd tell him to piss off.

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 13:57

I agree with pelafina and what you do on this will determine what he ythiks he can get away with on other subjects too.

littlerach · 02/04/2008 13:58

YANBU. Def not!

My friend has justhad her second, and only birthing partnets were alloweded, due ot worry ofspread of virus etc.
You could say that. She was in labour for almost 3 days, and no one lese wa sallowed ot see her.

And on P/N wards, only your own children are allowed.

Plus, what if you are there for hours and hours, what will she do? Nevermind the practiclaities of of it si the middle of the night etc.

My 7 year old would be seriously terrified if she saw this.

No way!

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 14:00

I'm not anti all children at a birth, by the way, but I think that most people here who have had good experiences with it have their first DC around for the second (or third etc) and have a home birth. So the child has ample opportunity to get away or to be distracted with familiar toys. And most importantly, it is NOT A FIRST BIRTH. Sorry for the shouting, but a typical first birth does tend to go on for quite a while, and you DSD will be stuck in the room with you no matter how bored she is or how distressed at seeing someone in pain. And then you will have to deal with her, which is just not on.

scorpio1 · 02/04/2008 14:00

and most babies are born in the night aren't they - is she going to be awake all night in the hospital? There will be no food all night either, and you will not need your dp going off with her for toilet/drink/fresh air every 2 bloody minutes.

doggiesayswoof · 02/04/2008 14:00

His attitude is atrocious! YOU should be his priority right now and everything else should just fall into place around what you want. He should get on the phone to his ex and postpone the visit until after you've given birth - or at least arrange for dsd's mum to stick around a bit longer.

This is crazy - is it all about him not wanting to lose face and change arrangements? He has his priorities all wrong.

bundle · 02/04/2008 14:02

i had sections with both of my girls and no one can guarantee that you won't either. so you need contingency plans in place.

and personally, I wouldn't want my 8 yr old there, never mind someone else's