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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
Beetroot · 02/04/2008 16:10

where do you live peed?

How many weeks are you?

Try to relax and concentrate on the baby. Try to do some yoga and breathing and let all this wash over you.

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 16:10

pelafina I am ten days late. And I prefer the idea of daily monitoring. Anything but an induction. I still might ask for that. Esp if you do not have to stay in hospital but just come in every day? My midwife said twice that they will only do what I am happy for them to do.

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/04/2008 16:18

Didn't you say that your dp has two other children? What has happened to the second child or is he not interested in that child being there too? Why the obsession with this dd attending the birth? Do you think he's being put under pressure by his ex to have his dd and he doesn't want to have to say no now?

Flight · 02/04/2008 16:24

When is your due date? Did it tally with your own estimate, ie when you had sex etc.?
This could be important - I wouldn't induce unless absolutely necessary.

Btw your DP is being a complete prick

Flight · 02/04/2008 16:27

He sounds more concerned about some image he's presenting to his ex, than about you. That's my opinion.

Ds2's dad was like that - phoning his ex in my house, for half an hour, arguing about their children

They were not together but still in a 'relationship' and far more committed in that than he was to me.

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 16:29

Other DC's are much older - 19 and 20. I dont think he does want to say no.
I hope I go into labour while DSD's mother is still here so she HAS to stay.

That's how I am feeling right now. Very tearful, upset and hormonal.

DP CAN be very controlling and usually I have no problem standing up for myself, I have learned it is the best way but I'm just not capable of it at the moment, I want someone to take care of me, not to have to consider his feelings.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 02/04/2008 16:32

get a doula, have posted links as have otehrs

ahd DP can concentrate on his DD

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 16:33

Flight - Due date was 23rd of March. Had my BFP on Jul 21st and LMP started on Jun 23rd. Not sure when exact date was that I had sex but if I ovulated on day 10-14...arg sorry cant think clearly about this.

Really would rather not be induced.

OP posts:
MadamePlatypus · 02/04/2008 16:36

At my local hospital you are only allowed one birthing partner - I think if this is his attitude you really would be better off with a doula. Is he expecting the baby to be brought by a stork, or is he preparing his daughter for a trip to the local cabbage farm?

EEC · 02/04/2008 16:38

How about trying to get all your thoughts, feelings, facts etc down on paper so that you can talk to him about it rationally. Maybe even write him a letter.Everybody on here can understand where you are coming from and that he is being completely unacceptable and unsupportive in his attitude. He must be able to see your side, if you try and discuss it all calmly,a nd if at alll possible without accusations.

If he can't, then you really need to have someone else there with you I think. Good luck.

suey2 · 02/04/2008 16:39

i agree with all the other posts on here. If i was in your position, i would have to try and have some control back, even if i ended up with a situation i would not have wanted. You would like DP to be there for you on his own, so that he can look after you. That is apparently too much to ask. You unfortunately have no-one else to stand in as a birthing partner. If you are going to be induced, there is no saying how long the labour will take or what it will be like. I therefore would get as many crappy magazines, chocolate, nice music as i could get my hands on and do it on my own. I, personally, would prefer that to a DSD and a DP who seems pretty ill-prepared for what might be, and is going to be there under a cloud anyway.
Not everyone's choice though, i understand

suey2 · 02/04/2008 16:40

doula much better idea if you can

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 16:41

Maybe you could PRETEND to go into labour as soon as ex walks through the door with dsd?
She would have no option but to stay with her dc or take her home surely?
I cannot understand her, does she not think it odd?
Isd she staying at your house?

expatinscotland · 02/04/2008 16:44

YANBU!

This is YOUR body and your delivery.

He's being really selfish. Bet he'd want it all his way if someone were opening up his manhood like an umbrella.

I agree with what suey said.

I'm going to have to go it alone for this one if I give birth around here because there's no one to look after our two DDs, but FWIW I've always had a student midwife at every delivery who was willing to hang around.

MadamePlatypus · 02/04/2008 16:45

Could you ask a midwife to talk to him maybe? If he can't see the reason why he may need to have alternative care lined up for his 8 year old after the birth of a new baby, maybe a midwife could enlighten him?

Does he have any other children? He seems to think he knows what he is doing because he has already 'been through' one birth, but he appears to have a completely unrealistic idea of what it is like having more that one child around when you have a new baby.

Lizzer · 02/04/2008 16:54

OMFG YANBU. I'm not sure i've anything constructive to add but i cannot think of anything more terrifying for an 8yr old to witness, (after just giving birth to ds in dec and having an 8yr old dd myself. ) You don't know how you'll cope in labour and isn't the average 1st labour around 18 hours or something?

Also when i was odue with dd it took 3 days for the induction to work-i wasn't allowed to leave hospital either so who knows what might happen.

I think the best outcome would be (if you do end up being induced) that the hospital say no to having her there...god men are so fecking thoughtless sometimes...grr...

pelafina · 02/04/2008 17:11

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 02/04/2008 17:15

Your dp is totally out of order.

He has no right to dictate who shoule be present when you are giving birth

You will be giving birth, not running a play scheme!

She could be overwhelmed by the whole thing and then what will happen?

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 17:21

I just spoke to him again. He called his ex-wife and said I was being induced and from what I gather SHE said she would now bring DSD on Monday.

I didnt want to let it go though so I got it all off my chest. As I guessed he made it all about him. I got to a point where I got bored with his attitude so stopped being upset. He has too many issues to know how how to argue IYSWIM.

I asked quite calmly if at any point he had asked DSD if she wanted to be at the birth. He said why should he make it so melodramatic and OF COURSE she would want to be there.

I think he knows he is being pig-headed but hasnt the grace to back down and say as much. I feel better now I've spoken up.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 02/04/2008 17:24

Jesus christ, my 11 year old would eat her own vomit rather than be present at a birth!

FrannyandZooey · 02/04/2008 17:24

I think from what I have read even people who are most in favour of having children present at births, as a matter of course, state that the child needs a supporter there purely for them

so if you and your dsd both felt strongly that you wanted her to attend the birth, she would need an adult there to be with her and her alone, eg her mother or another relative - to make sure she is ok, and to be with her if she needs a break from it all, etc

you also need a birth partner who is focused on you and you alone
not worrying about a child

pelafina · 02/04/2008 17:24

Message withdrawn

flyingmum · 02/04/2008 17:26

Does the mother of the 8 yr old know that you are overdue and about to go into labour. I cannot think of any mother who would want their child to witness what could be a distressing event (even if it goes smoothly - think of reactions after seeing 'the birth video' in sex ed at school). Personally one of the only good things about giving birth (apart from the end product!) is that you are at the head end and don't see any gore or guck. Even if she is waiting outside down the corridor you and your husband are going to be worrying if she is OK and not wandering off.

Is it possible for you to phone this woman and say that you are having the baby this Saturday, if not before, husband is being a dickhead (I'm sure she'll appreciate that) and that you don't want your stepdaughter being put through something unpleasant. Now it is possible she's being a bitch knowing that it is unlikely an 8yr old won't be wanted or allowed in the labour room so that your husband will stay with the daughter thus meaning that you give birth on your own and this is all part of some sort of 'revenge' or 'payback' or general pissoffedness on her part. Whatever it is there are two grown adults here who are NOT thinking about the possible effect all of this will have on an 8 year old girl and, as you so rightly say, no one thinking about the effect on you. Surely your husband can phone one of his older children and ask them to have his youngest?

This is your first baby and its supposed to be special (it is by the way!). It's half his baby and he needs to be there for him/her too.

Every best wish. you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. Happy pushing

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/04/2008 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadameCh0let · 02/04/2008 17:33

The last thing you need when you are giving birth and in pain is to have to worry about whether seeing you is going to traumatise an 8 yr old.

Tell your husband to sort out chldcare.
You will have enough on your plate. If he thinks he can put himself inside the head of an eight year old girl he's fooling himself. He's doing what he thinks is most convenient in the short term.

I know of a girl who wanted an elective caesarian before she came off the pill! That might be your step-daughter in twenty yrs. Does he want that on his conscience?

Besides, your husband should be moving heaven and earth to try and keep you happy on the day you give birth, not telling you to put up and shut up!

Do you want HIM there? Is he hoping that you'll say the only solution is for him to mind her and for you to give birth with a friend as your birth partner?