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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be consulted about DP's 8 Y/O DS being at the birth?

305 replies

PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 12:43

She will be here for hols and there is no one else to look after her. Her mother is coming up with her and then going the next day and leaving her for five days.
He just assumes she will be there and be fine with it. But HE NEVER ASKED ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
I approached it today, asking if she will be fine seeing a birth. His response was, as I knew it would be, totally defensive. "I know my own daughter, if you dont want her there, she wont be, but neither will I"
His "issues" stem from thinking I want to do everything my way (long story)
BUT THIS IS MY DAY and I want to be put first. I think the visit should have waited till after I gave birth.
You know, the idea of her being there for her little sister's birth - that I am fine with.
But I am not fine with the fact that he didnt ask me how I feel about it. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 15:20

Meant to say midwives are happy for me to be kept out of it.

OP posts:
QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 15:22

glad ytou feel easier and more settled but wow at you having to move your induction date to coincide with your husband being an idiot/selfish bastard!!

Beetroot · 02/04/2008 15:24

Peed - have you thought about someone else beign with you??

MrsTittleMouse · 02/04/2008 15:24

That's great that you have the MWs on side. It will make a big difference to your birth to know that you don't have to be involved.

As to "creating a problem where one didn't exist", words fail me. I can't think of a more unpredictable situation than childbirth. In fact, for all the reasons that everyone has listed below, I think that you are being too reasonable. I don't think that it's OK for your DSD to be there, even if you are OK with it and so is she.

Good luck, and I hope that you go into labour tonight.

Youcannotbeserious · 02/04/2008 15:26

YOU are creating the problem?

I think I'd kill him!!!!

I honestly thought my DH was expecting a lot but I asked for the following things (and got them WITHOUT QUESTION:

  1. Private ante natal care and delivery
  2. Doula for ante natal care
  3. No DSDs for the week after the baby is born ( I have no problems with them coming for a day to see the baby in hospital, just not with us full time so that DH can be with me while he is in the UK)
  4. Some post natal help while I'm on my own.

Presumably, you are already going with the induction to fit in with his plans? I can appreciate the midwives will be on your side....
How is he normally with his daughter? Is he usually this beligerent?

VersdeSociete · 02/04/2008 15:30

Can we all come round and kill him? I wonder if you could show him edited highlights of this thread to show him how astonishingly unreasonable and inconsiderate he has been...

kama · 02/04/2008 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 15:36

He's not belligerent at all with his DSD, He just doesnt want to rearrange the visit/lose face/be seen to not be in control.

The way he explained it (and sees it) DSD is not my problem, she is his, why am I fretting, I am so glass-half-empty blah blah.

Bollocks to that. He thinks of it as a big happy shared experience where you just bumble along and cope with whatever comes along, which he is very good at doing, he never flaps, just deals with it.

I on the other hand have anxiety issues and like to know there are contingency plans in place. But he just sees it as unnecessary worry. He should have planned for me being late and his DSD NOT being there in that case.

I am VERY pissed off that i have to bring forward my induction but I had to do whatever made me feel calmer about the whole thing. Also very mindful about the lack of control being a factor in PND.

because I feel that its a crap start to my baby's life and hope this issue will seem small once she is here.

OP posts:
gingerninja · 02/04/2008 15:36

How is he going to cope with the divided loyalties two children will bring? He can fob you off but he won't be able to do that with his children. Sounds like the a big problem in the making.

duomonstermum · 02/04/2008 15:37

most hospitals won't allow a child of that age near the labour ward. my local hospital has even stopped children under the age of 13 from visiting cos of risk of infection. i'd say that it's not allowed and if he doesn't like it tough

pelafina · 02/04/2008 15:38

Message withdrawn

susie100 · 02/04/2008 15:39

You poor thing, does he realise he could be putting your baby in danger with his behaviour? Induction is not without risks (50% csection rate at my local hospital) and bringing it forward means your body could be less ready for labour!

Do you know your bishop's score? I really would not go for an earlier induction for no medical reason to fit in with his plans.

Completely outrageous!

pelafina · 02/04/2008 15:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 15:40

There isnt anyone else that could be there with me unfortunately. No parents or sisters and my friends arent close (geographically) enough. The one who is has small children and doesnt drive, so her DP would have to drive her and the tribe to hospital.

OP posts:
pelafina · 02/04/2008 15:41

Message withdrawn

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 15:42

Sounds as though you are almost excusing his appauling attitude to you.
I would not have moved the date and put my foot down.

EEC · 02/04/2008 15:42

I'm really upset for you about this. It seems he has no concept of what can go on during labour. She really cannot be there if anything goes wrong, and as has been said before, where would that leave you.

I personally wouldn't dream of letting my DCs watch the birth. I know that I personally lose all control and swear, scream etc. and I think that could be very upsetting. I can't believe you are bringing the date forward. Why can't you organise for someone to come and be with her at home like most people do when they go into labour? A friend/neighbour etc That'swhat will have to happen to my children.

You poor thing. This is so not what you need right now. I really hope you can manage to talk about this with DP and get him somehow to see it from your point of view. He really is being outrageously selfcentered.

Lots of hugs and supportive thoughts coming your way. Try and think about your lovely new lo and not get too stressed about the other stuff (easy I'm sure!).

susie100 · 02/04/2008 15:43

Please please read this
www.kentmidwiferypractice.co.uk/induction.htm

susie100 · 02/04/2008 15:44

And induction can take DAYS by the way - I don't want to scare you but you could still be going on Saturday!

CrackerOfNuts · 02/04/2008 15:44

YANBU, you do need to put your foot down.

My xp had a smilar attitude, and infact allowed his 2 children at ages of roughly 8&10, to be present in the room when I had a scan to check if I had misscarried our baby. I was bleeding heavily and had to have an internal scan, and he felt it was fine for them to be there.

Youcannotbeserious · 02/04/2008 15:45

PeedOff,

Please remember you aren't being unreasonable.

I can totally understand the reasons he's giving you, but he MUST see that it's possible for his DD to be with a friend or even a babysitter (or with her MUM!) while he concentrates on this baby....

Not sure where abouts you are but feel free to mail me ycbs @ fsmail . net if you want to

QueenBhannae · 02/04/2008 15:49

I was induced on a sunday evening with my first dd. I delivered by forceps after complications on WEDNESDAY! I had to go in on the Saturday and she was monitored after birth which meant I did not leave until the Friday.
Are you sure you moved your date forward enough?

Original poster
PeedOffandPg · 02/04/2008 15:56

I DONT want an induction, and may still change my mind at the scan beforehand. Thankfully no-one is pressuring me to be induced, and my decision to be induced is more because i am worried about the health of my baby rather than DP.

He can sod off, that's how I feel right now

Whatever happens DSD aint getting to be with me at the birth. I trust the Midwives to do their job.

How late can I go over the date anyway? I was getting the impression that term+14 was getting critical because the placenta begins to degrade after that time. Feel free to tell me otherwise!

OP posts:
pelafina · 02/04/2008 16:02

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 02/04/2008 16:08

42 weeks is the time that most women will have delivered by, although some women need to be pregnant for longer !!

the placenta does start to decline and you can ask for expectant management rather than induction. i.e scans & monitoring, to ensure the baby is still happy in utero

there are increased risks, but still small ones to going 42 weeks + ,the stats have been posted on here if you search for tehm

I cannot believe how self absorbed oyur DP is being

as has already been pointed out, induction can take DAYS! and more often than a spontaneous birth, can end with an instrumental or surgical delivery...

www.doula.org.uk for finding a doula
or www.nurturingbirth.co.uk

and he can stay at home with his DD and you can have somoene there for you!

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