AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

[Mumto5kiddies]

I do the shopping, hubby very rarely does. On the way home today from an appointment with one of the kids I asked if he could nip to a supermarket and get some toilet roll(to add he’s the one in the house that spends most of their time on the toilet). He grabbed the toilet roll and came in with a sandwich for him and DD.

I know I’m tired and have a lot going on health wise but I got annoyed that he didn’t even think of calling me and saying do you want a sandwich as I’m buying for myself and DD.

So he’s come in and I’ve said it’s annoyed and upset me that I shop for everybody and make sure I buy for everybody but I didn’t even cross his mind which prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away instead of eating it, it wasn’t opened so I took it out and put it in the fridge. He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater.

Would you be annoyed/upset or AIBU?

Even if he couldn't phone you to ask, this is what he should've done:

"Here you are, love, I got you this sandwich as I got one for DD and me. You've already sorted your lunch? Fine, it'll keep in the fridge for tomorrow..."

Its pretty annoying and I would be a bit upset in your shoes, especially if its symptomatic of a general attitude of you not mattering.
Its not a sandwich and to say it is is misleading - there is a book I believe by a lady who left her H because he "didnt put a plate in the dishwasher" but it was about so much more than that

I mean against a pattern of general selfishness and lack of consideration you are NBU and he's clearly overreacted.

I have to say though that I don't think I would automatically think to call my DH to ask if he wanted a supermarket sandwich brought home, if I was getting an unusual or special treat, a takeaway or something sure of course, or if he'd mentioned we didn't have anything in for lunch I'd ask if he wanted me to get something for him, but if I was just cramming some basic food into a hungry child it might not cross my mind, especially knowing you're fussy so might prefer whatever you (presumably) already had planned to a boring/basic sandwich. And I would actually probably be quite annoyed to be brought an unasked for sandwich, as I plan my lunches so I'd be left with extra food that might go to waste. But in our house we share the shopping and we don't view a trip to the supermarket as a big deal so if one of us is going we'd just ask one another if there was anything else we wanted including food for lunch. And of course in your scenario if my DH hadn't brought me a sandwich and I did turn out to want one he'd immediately apologise and offer to give me his or share or go back to the shops or cook me something else nice or something, not strop off (although we're not saints, i think we have both thrown the occasional unreasonable tantrum in our time too, so if he's generally an alright bloke I'd forgive it. If he's a selfish dickhead in general though and this is the icing on the cake LTB!)

He may have absent mindedly assumed you'd eaten or something, but once he appeared and you looked disappointed he should have immediately said the sandwiches were for everyone, just got both out and cut them if necessary. Unless they are flavours you hated.
And throwing it in the bin? I hope not in front of your child. Yeah, he was being a bit of an arse.
If I were you I'd order a nice delivery meal for yourself and child while he was out!

I would be ruddy annoyed he should have either rung you or just got you something. The petty moo in me would probably not want to make him any dinner because "I didn't realise he'd be hungry" but that would just be a passing thought for my amusement!

You've described yourself as a fussy eater - did he perhaps think he'd get it wrong so it was easier not to bother? 😀

I agree with @maxelly - I woudn't be bothered if I was not asked about a sandwich and, similarly, would probably not think to ask anyone else if they wanted one. It's just not the kind of thing I would think to offer to anyone other than the people I was shopping with, iyswim.

So, as a stand alone anecdote I think you are both BU - you for getting upset and him for reacting.

But, if this is part of a lifetime of neglect and selfishness, then I can see how it can be symbolic of the overall problem.

When I say picky eater I mean I don’t eat meat that I haven’t cooked and I’m allergic to egg but he knows that. The sandwich he bought for himself had egg in so I wouldn’t have even been able to share it.

He's selfish. Dh and I always think of everyone in our household when we're doing anything food related. Gets up to make tea and offers everyone, even if it means going room to room finding us. Making lunch, buying food we call and ask or make extra. It's just how we have always done things. I can be picky , ds is fussy but we still ask everyone. I can't imagine sitting there like a pig eating and not offering anyone.

God, he sounds a tiresome and dramatic ninny. So many men have these cushy little lives where their wife tends to nearly all their day to day needs. And they just take it for granted and have no idea how lucky they have it. So they throw tantrums when they're challenged even in a minor way.

YANBU. Whenever I'm at the supermarket I ask DH if he wants anything. He does the same.

I would stop buying things for him.

That's exactly the type of tantrum my ex-best friend would throw. Your DH has been inconsiderate and instead of apologizing he has turned it into a wrong you have done on him.

It turned out my friend was a narcissist.

What is your DH like otherwise? Does he ever apologize? Does he like to be the centre of attention or get upset if he's not?

It’s not over a sandwich it’s the thoughtlessness.
You think about everyone else and make sure he has food. He’s not thought about you.
Once things have calmed own I’d try to explain that.
There’s that online thing my wife divorced me for leaving a teaspoon on side. Where of course the penny finally dropped it wasn’t about one teaspoon.

It’s thoughtless lack of consideration for you and would annoy me hugely too.
Maybe try leaving him out in a similar situation if he maintains you are unreasonable to find this upsetting. Some may think this childish but yiu have to use visual aids sometimes.

Stop buying for for him or cooking for him. If he complains ask him what the problem is and say that you can't do anything right.

He chucked the sandwich in the bin? What an utter tool.

He wants you to learn your lesson, OP - don’t ask him to think about your needs, not even basic ones. Don’t question him or complain, or you will regret it because DRAMA.

Sounds good as a way to live the rest of your life? No - didn’t think so.

I think that your unreasonableness is in referring to him as "hubby"!! Does he call you "hun" in retaliation.?

I honestly have no idea what that means.

Ignore them, they think they sound cool but in reality they sound tedious.

@GucciBear doesn't approve of your choice of language, Op, and is letting you know this.

'He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.'

Sounds like you nag him a lot.

'If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater. '

You're a picky eater so he played it safe and didn't buy something you wouldn't eat.

Oh😂. @GucciBear thanks for adding nothing to the discussion.

Slight chance that YABU if you never answer your phone? I don't bother calling/messaging DH about stuff like this any more as he never replies.

Otherwise that's very selfish and thoughtless behaviour on his part.

I think YABVU and petty: if you wanted a sandwich, you should have asked for one. And sort out wider issues with division of chores if it bothers you.

Maybe that’s how he feels, however that was the first proper interaction we had today as we have 2 children that attend 2 different SEN schools on opposite sides of the county so he goes one way and I go the other, then he went straight to the Orthodontist with DD 14 so when he’s not working nights which he’s not starting his new job until tomorrow night we don’t see each other properly until about 9.40am on the school days but it was about 11am today and he kissed me goodbye at 8.15am like he meant it.