AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

[Mumto5kiddies]

I do the shopping, hubby very rarely does. On the way home today from an appointment with one of the kids I asked if he could nip to a supermarket and get some toilet roll(to add he’s the one in the house that spends most of their time on the toilet). He grabbed the toilet roll and came in with a sandwich for him and DD.

I know I’m tired and have a lot going on health wise but I got annoyed that he didn’t even think of calling me and saying do you want a sandwich as I’m buying for myself and DD.

So he’s come in and I’ve said it’s annoyed and upset me that I shop for everybody and make sure I buy for everybody but I didn’t even cross his mind which prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away instead of eating it, it wasn’t opened so I took it out and put it in the fridge. He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater.

Would you be annoyed/upset or AIBU?

He has subsequently gone out and got me a coffee and chocolate twist from a well known coffee shop as he felt guilty.

You were pretty abrupt with him. I would probably have said where's mine? To which the reply would probably be something like sorry I didn't think you would want one. And that would be about the end of it. There would be stuff in the fridge if I did want a sandwich anyway, so no big deal unless he had bought something really really good in which case I would have demanded half!

Is there more to all of this than just this sandwich incident?

How can someone say it sounds like you nag a lot just from one post? Unless you have spent a decent amount of time with the couple how would you know? OP I think he was a bit thoughtless to be honest.

Maybe I’m just being oversensitive today and things have come to a head. I just feel that I’ve been with this man 20 years, birthed 6 of his children(we have an angel), fed him and the kids nearly everyday, deal with nearly everything to do with the house and kids and the thought of I wondered if my wife might want a sandwich too didn’t even cross his mind. That’s why I posted. I want to see impartial opinions.

@Mumto5kiddies YANBU

Oh God yes.

It’s bloody hideous.

😂imagine being triggered by the word hubby.

So is C U Next Tuesday but I thought I’d see if other people thought I was BU instead. Now I see it’s more fitting for people triggered by the word hubby.

I am! It’s bloody awful! But I would also fight for your right to use it, if you must, and yes, he absolutely should have bought you a sandwich.

Of course you are not in the wrong op. It’s common courtesy to ask your partner if you can pick up something for them if you are the one in the supermarket. Or you take the initiative and get something anyway if that’s not possible, especially if you are buying lunch for yourself and child!

My dh has a phrase that says”if you have to ask someone if they need something or if they need help then you are already too late”

And anyway, his reaction was really ridiculous. It betrays the fact that he was pissed off being told to buy loo roll, or he felt guilty at being caught out.

You're definitely focusing on the right thing there.

I get it OP, when you're the person that spends their life thinking about other people's needs it's just the absolute carelessness to your needs that hurts. As though you're just an adjunct with no desires or feelings of your own. That's the kind of thing the breaks marriages.

And he may not have meant to be thoughtless, it requires no effort after all. He most certainly needs to learn to become thoughtful to you, as not only his wife, and the facilitator of the family, but as an individual.

I think a serious conversation is needed, not just about the sandwich, but about your role within the family.

I'd certainly, as part of that conversation, make it clear that you won't be doing everyone else's thinking for them in future.

then I have to send a picture list

As in pictures of what you need?

I think even if he couldn't see a suitable sandwich he could probably have found something.

Or for example that the cheese ones didn't look very good & you had nicer bread & cheese at home.

It's the not thinking about you at all isn't it?

In which case of course YABU. He was just buying a sandwich.

YANBU OP my husband always asks or gets me something. And I haven't even birthed any of his children ... Yet.

It’s the casual thoughtlessness that finally ends so many relationships. Sorry OP.

@Mumto5kiddies

yanbu op

Your "hubby" of 20 years clearly has issues.
I have got one for that long too, however,
cannot imagine he'd behave like that.
Maybe he had a bad crap in the morning.
Sorry.🙄

I think you've both over reacted and you have a communication problem

if its not a one off you have a problem ont get him treats anymore just bog standard food- you sound like you do everything at home and he just doesnt think about you

The bar is so low for some here they will justify your husband of 20 years not being able to hold you in mind. Don’t let them make you think you were being unreasonable. Do take this as a sign though that it’s time you started thinking more about your own needs and stop going above and beyond when it’s not reciprocated. If you can pull back dramatically on what you do temporarily and let it all go to shit for a while (minus the kids stuff obviously) he might begin to see all you do, appreciate it more and take it for granted less.

Why do threads descend into semantic snobbery and posters falling all over themselves to defend the shit actions of a man, and even blame them on the woman? (“It sounds like you nag him a lot…”)

Of course you weren’t unreasonable, OP. And I can’t understand the weirdos on here who claim they think you are.

He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

Ugh - I hate that - he's angry that you made him feel bad because he knows that what he did was thoughtless, so he turns it around on you to make you feel bad because he feels bad rather than just bloody apologising (and being less thoughtless in future) like an adult

If you can pull back dramatically on what you do temporarily and let it all go to shit for a while (minus the kids stuff obviously) he might begin to see all you do, appreciate it more and take it for granted less.

A lot of the time they don't. They see it as you being unreasonable and punishing them for things that aren't 'their fault' (see my previous comment about feeling bad, and rather than learning from it, blame you for making them feel bad)

The trouble is they get used to having stuff done for them, and stop seeing it as a privilege, but as a right - the baseline, so when you stop doing it, they feel they've gone below the baseline and are being punished. Where really, they were getting above baseline treatment and just not realising it.