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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

139 replies

Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 12:24

I do the shopping, hubby very rarely does. On the way home today from an appointment with one of the kids I asked if he could nip to a supermarket and get some toilet roll(to add he’s the one in the house that spends most of their time on the toilet). He grabbed the toilet roll and came in with a sandwich for him and DD.

I know I’m tired and have a lot going on health wise but I got annoyed that he didn’t even think of calling me and saying do you want a sandwich as I’m buying for myself and DD.

So he’s come in and I’ve said it’s annoyed and upset me that I shop for everybody and make sure I buy for everybody but I didn’t even cross his mind which prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away instead of eating it, it wasn’t opened so I took it out and put it in the fridge. He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater.

Would you be annoyed/upset or AIBU?

OP posts:
Trainbother · 02/05/2024 07:25

He was probably expecting lots of praise for going over and above the brief and feeding his child.

WormHasTurned · 02/05/2024 07:28

I think the phrase I can’t do anything right is possibily the most passive-aggressive turn of phrase someone can use. XH said it..a lot. Somehow it twists things so that if you complain about one thing, they imply that you’re overly critical about everything despite how hard they try. It stops any arguments from being resolved because it diverts away from what you’re complaining about to making you defend yourself for being critical. PP accused you of ‘nagging’ - there’s anothe thread where someone asks if they were a nag. Lots of people joining in saying nagging is a misogynistic term and saying nagging is essentially having to ask multiple times for someone to be done. XH used to say ‘stop nagging me’. I said ‘if you’d do it the first time I asked I wouldn’t have to “nag” and ask you repeatedly!’. Note he is an X for many reasons, but his passive-aggressive attitude meant we never resolved anything. He constantly flipped the blame on to me. I asked too much of him apparently. Life is far more peaceful without him living here.

ItsAllMadness24 · 02/05/2024 07:28

Yanbu my dh never does this. He always gets me something too or calls to ask what I'd like.

WoodBurningStov · 02/05/2024 08:04

My dh would always have got me something and vice versa, even if I'd eaten he'd have grabbed me a small chocolate bar. Sounds like he simply doesn't consider you in his thought process. Did he throw it away in a tantrum because he was embarrassed he's not even given you a second thought?

Maray1967 · 02/05/2024 08:14

RecycleMePlease · 02/05/2024 07:15

If you can pull back dramatically on what you do temporarily and let it all go to shit for a while (minus the kids stuff obviously) he might begin to see all you do, appreciate it more and take it for granted less.

A lot of the time they don't. They see it as you being unreasonable and punishing them for things that aren't 'their fault' (see my previous comment about feeling bad, and rather than learning from it, blame you for making them feel bad)

The trouble is they get used to having stuff done for them, and stop seeing it as a privilege, but as a right - the baseline, so when you stop doing it, they feel they've gone below the baseline and are being punished. Where really, they were getting above baseline treatment and just not realising it.

I agree with this - but you need to push back hard against this. You say loudly and clearly what you’ve been doing and what you’re now stopping - until he does XYZ - and stick to it.

Clearinguptheclutter · 02/05/2024 08:19

I would have sent him back in the shop to get one for me. But in this situation I’m fairly sure my dh would have called me to ask if I wanted one

no need for his immature behaviour throwing it in the bin

RecycleMePlease · 02/05/2024 09:51

Maray - yep. I did this, and I was clear about why, and what was happening. Of course it really was just yet another realisation that the relationship was doomed (unless I wanted to be his servant for the rest of my life)

When my ex forgot (me and the kids often) and pulled the 'you're bad for making me feel bad' stunt (most notably when I got the silent treatment for days when it came up in conversation that he'd forgotten my 40th birthday last week - not even accusingly, I was completely used to my birthday going un-remarked - it happened more often than not in the years I was with him) I stopped bothering to even mention it, and would just do something extra for myself (took me and the kids shopping and bought us some lovely new bedding/nice lunch out without him)

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 02/05/2024 11:30

I'd be upset about this too.

Like a previous poster said, he could have easily picked up a sandwich for you and put it in the fridge if it wasn't right. But instead he didn't spare a single thought for you, even though he picked up lunch for two people.

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

2catsandhappy · 02/05/2024 11:44

It's death by a thousand cuts in the end.

Chickenwing2 · 02/05/2024 16:02

I had a similar argument at the weekend. My husband said he was going to nip into Greggs so I asked for a sausage roll. He got me a sausage roll and got himself a steak bake and a donut. I got all upset that he didn't get me a donut and he argued that I didn't ask for one. He was correct of course but if getting myself a treat I would always get him one. It's the lack of thought that's annoying.

azlazee1 · 02/05/2024 19:15

Whether he ever shops or not isn't the point. He bought sandwiches for himself and DD and gave no thought to buying one for you. Very rude; very inconsiderate.

JayJayj · 02/05/2024 20:05

It’s not about the sandwich. It’s the fact that you are not in his thoughts. Of course it hurts to never be thought of when you think constantly about him and the family.
And as for the “I can never do anything right” that’s probably because he half asses everything or doesn’t even try.
He is a dick and instead of him taking accountability and just apologising he has ignored and belittled your feelings because you do not matter to him.

Keeper11 · 02/05/2024 20:22

I think a bit of context is needed. DH walked into shop to buy loo paper, He was hungry so bought a sandwich. DD was hungry too so DH bought one for her. It was only a sandwich not some luxury food. There is no suggestion that his thought process was - DW would like a sandwich - no let’s not bother.
I can imagine other MNs posts complaining that either
DH bought a sandwich for himself but refused to buy one for DD or
DH wasted money buying three sandwiches costing about £10 when he could have made 15 sandwiches for that amount of money.
So it does seem to me that your DH can’t do right for doing wrong. Had he bought 2 luxury cream cakes, but not one for you, I would understand your upset, but a sandwich???

BirthdayRainbow · 02/05/2024 20:26

Some men are so stupid and thick. They all come out with the same bloody shitty lines. Can't do anything right? So, are you on at him? Is he always making mistakes? I suspect not so he's just trying to gaslight you.

Stop doing everything. Make him do at least half.

Ladyj84 · 02/05/2024 20:28

It's so annoying but I've learnt to keep quiet. I have an amazing hubby around the house and with kids and the amount of times he comes in having fed them and himself but nothing for me or he will cook them tea and not me lol

MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult · 03/05/2024 00:07

Hmm... if I'm in the shop and fancy a chocolate bar I buy HUBBY* one as well and sling it at him upon arrival home "here, got you this"... he does the same to me.

However, he knows I only buy his fave chocolate when it's on offer....

Yes as a couple we think about the other one when out and about....

*he wouldn't dream of calling me "hun" 🙄

Underestimated4 · 05/05/2024 08:14

It sounds like there’s deeper issues in your relationship and his reaction says this isn’t the first either. The fact you’ve mentioned he uses most of the toilet roll it seems like he’s annoying you and also perhaps he’s aware of it.

My husbands done stuff like this, and I know his minds elsewhere and hasn’t done it to upset me. I usually make the comment about it and I get how sorry he is

Devon23 · 05/05/2024 09:09

Sounds like a man baby with his nose out of joint. Stop bendung over back wards for him, put you first.

Noglitterallowed · 05/05/2024 09:27

It’s a sandwich?
if I was in the shop and was hungry I’d grab something and assume as an adult at home he would make himself lunch? His reaction was childish but I think on both sides it’s all a bit petty

vickylou78 · 05/05/2024 10:27

I'm so confused... You asked him to buy toilet roll. He did. Why is he not allowed to buy himself a sandwich with I presume his own money. Surely you can sort your own lunch out? I don't get it

GoldDuster · 05/05/2024 10:57

Ladyj84 · 02/05/2024 20:28

It's so annoying but I've learnt to keep quiet. I have an amazing hubby around the house and with kids and the amount of times he comes in having fed them and himself but nothing for me or he will cook them tea and not me lol

You've learned to keep quiet? Lol? How did he teach you to keep your mouth shut?

Has he learned to keep quiet when he comes home and you've cooked for you and the kids but not left any for him?

This is so depressing.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/05/2024 11:11

Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 13:35

I honestly have no idea what that means.

Show quote history

Nor me. What was the point of that response?

Abeona · 05/05/2024 13:58

I think it's a man thing, OP. A friend of mine has been married for many years to a perfectly nice, reasonable man. But on numerous occasions he's done the same as your DH. The two I remember vividly because she was so furious about it were:

They went into a cafe and she nipped to the loo while he ordered coffee for them both. Instead of ordering a flat white or cappuccino (which is what she drinks) he order two black coffees — because that's what he drinks. This was after 25+ years together, with her always drinking coffee with milk.

They were on a long journey in the car with the dog. They parked up in a motorway services place and she got the dog out of the car to walk it around. There was an M&S there, so he went in for food and she asked him to buy her a BLT and a bottle of water. He returned with a tuna sandwich and a drink for himself but nothing for her, and when she asked why he was at first flummoxed and then said he thought they could share.

They're not short of money and he's not a horrible person. But because she's taken on the full domestic burden he just doesn't think about her. It drives her nuts because, as you say, she spends hours each month considering what he might like to eat/ drink or what arrangements would suit him. And he does none of that for her.

GoldDuster · 05/05/2024 14:00

@Abeona it's not a man thing, it's a selfish dickhead thing.

Abeona · 05/05/2024 14:02

That's true, certainly, but I've never met a man complaining about his wife not taking him into consideration when it comes to food/ sandwiches — but loads of women who live with a man like this.

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