AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

[Mumto5kiddies]

I do the shopping, hubby very rarely does. On the way home today from an appointment with one of the kids I asked if he could nip to a supermarket and get some toilet roll(to add he’s the one in the house that spends most of their time on the toilet). He grabbed the toilet roll and came in with a sandwich for him and DD.

I know I’m tired and have a lot going on health wise but I got annoyed that he didn’t even think of calling me and saying do you want a sandwich as I’m buying for myself and DD.

So he’s come in and I’ve said it’s annoyed and upset me that I shop for everybody and make sure I buy for everybody but I didn’t even cross his mind which prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away instead of eating it, it wasn’t opened so I took it out and put it in the fridge. He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater.

Would you be annoyed/upset or AIBU?

I think this is wild! Why would he have bought you a sandwich when you were at home and it takes two minutes to make one?

I’m also truly amazed that people buy sandwiches to then eat them at home. Honestly don’t think I’ve ever done that. If me or DH are out with the kids and buy lunch we’d never think of buying for the other, unless it was something to cook at home?

I’m with you op. I have very low tolerance for ‘I can’t do anything right’ - yes you can as soon as it matters to you. The problem is when it matters to me you can’t be bothered so you do get it wrong. Effort in is often directly related to success of the outcome here.

Just on the nagging point, I do think it's hard to recover a relationship once it's got to the point of Person A repeatedly asking for things that Person B proceeds to not do. It's possible Person A's demands are just unreasonable, however in most cases it's a case of Person B not respecting Person A's requests/time/energy/Person A in general.

Simplest solution is that if Person B doesn't give a shit about sharing the workload with Person A or just perpetually sees Person A's demands as unreasonable, then unless Person B changes then the relationship is always going to continue with this dynamic.

My mum was a bit of a nag, but it was largely self-inflicted in her case as she saw other people's methods for carrying out tasks as 'wrong' so would micromanage every bloody thing, so people in the household obviously weren't keen to take on the workload unless absolutely necessary.

Sometimes it's a case of Person A (AKA the nagger) not recognising everything that their partner (Person B) does for them - they're just tunnel-visioned about particular tasks or issues. In these cases, you may as well accept that this task is yours to do but Person B can pick up other tasks to make the task-sharing equitable.

I don't think it's at all helpful to classify any behaviour as "a man thing", it's just the adult equivalent of "boys will be boys" and it's spectacularly unhelpful.

Men do not move as one homogenous lump, neither do women. If an individual, such as OP, finds herself in a relationship with a selfish one, then it's the behaviour of that particular selfish one that needs addressing, not ho hum that's what they're like, and part of the bargain for having one in the house.

Most especially if you have kids, they will overhear and take on board this "it's a man thing" and go out and create more of the same for themselves. It's not helpful for anyone.

Okay, GoldDuster, I give up. I used a light-hearted phrase in sympathy with the OP (this is AIBU, after all, not FWR) and clarified when you challenged me — but okay, if you need total capitulation you can have it.

Of course men aren't one homogeneous lump etcetera. I have more than 40 years of radical lesbian feminism under my belt, I really don't need the finger-wagging Feminism 101 lecture.

I’m with you. It’s weird. It doesn’t mean he’s generally a thoughtless person or a bad husband or he doesn’t love you but it was a thoughtless act. I had something similar recently with my husband. I do most of the cooking in the house. We usually both work from home. I finish between 5 and 5:30 whereas he doesn’t usually finish until after 7 so I just cook dinner as that is what makes sense. A couple of weeks ago I had to go into the office for a change so wouldn’t be home until 6pm. He needed to go out in the evening at 6:30 so I wouldn’t have time to cook dinner and for him to eat it before he needed to leave so I suggested he go to the supermarket at lunch time to buy pizza that could be heated up quickly in the evening. When I got home he was just putting the pizza in the oven. Just one pizza, enough for him. The kids hadn’t been fed and I needed dinner too. It hadn’t occurred to him to buy more than just what he needed. I calmly queried it as I wouldn’t have considered buying myself a pizza and not thought about what the rest of the family would need, but he just snapped at me that he does enough work around here. I don’t disagree that he works hard at his job plus does a lot of housework and house admin. It was just really inconceivable that he could buy himself a pizza and not the rest of us, especially when he knew I’d be back from
work later than usual. Plus we can definitely afford it so that isn’t a reason. Good people can make odd choices and sometimes react in weird ways when challenged, probably because they know you’re right.

Such a pass agg move to take the sandwich back out the bin. You had to know that would escalate things.

Didn't you just ask him why he didn't get you anything? Honestly I'd be so surprised if my DH did that, it would be the first question out of my mouth - didn't you get me a sandwich? Why not?!

The first massive realisation in my marriage was that I cannot expect my husband to think like I do and remember the things I am conscious of.

it might be reasonable to feel this way but it doesn’t mean he did it intentionally.

frustrating as it is, plus his childish behaviour, his brain may just be wired completely differently to your’s.

i’m not saying you’re at fault. What you experienced is what i experience every day in my marriage.

accepting my husbands brain is different to mine is a massive step towards managing my resentment frustration disappointment anger.

realising he has ADHD was also a massive step but i’ll there as I have no idea of the inner workings of your husbands brain.

Exactly!
this is the reason my husband doesn’t buy food for me!

I also had this realisation in my first marriage, but instead of ignoring and minimising my valid feelings of resentment frustration disappointment and anger, I got myself a divorce and found someone to have a relationship with who doesn't give rise to any of those feelings, because he is not a selfish arsehole.

However, horses for courses.

YANBU on the whole, however I do wonder if he’s brought something before and you being a self proclaimed picky eater has complained about what he’s brought, or he’s rung you before and spent 10 minutes of his life reading them all out to you to try and find something you’ll deign to eat. If it was likely to be hard work or wrong, I probably wouldn’t bring one either.

Which is why I used the word “step”. It suggests there are other steps afterwards, without saying we all have to take the same steps.

It's his use of the phrase 'I can't do anything right' that puzzles me.

My ex used that too. No idea why.

I don't know if he says that for sympathy (if so it didn't work with me when mine said it) or if he genuinely felt like that.

Which in my case I don't get as I asked him to do very little. Much like yourself. Compared to me doing the lions share.

Perhaps you need to ask him what he meant by that as you are not sure what all he feels he's done wrong as you've not been made aware of anything. So what did he mean?

That could cast some light if this is more than just a forgotten sandwich. Which there must have been a thought princess behind (perhaps he didn't want to get the wrong thing as he knows your dietary issues and found that stressful, in which case he just needs reminded that if he rang or phoned you then you could have told him what you'd like from the available choices).

Says he can’t do anything right. Is that because you have to correct/coach him a lot? You’d think after twenty years, he would have figured out how to be an adult. It only makes sense that he would bring sandwiches for the entire family or no one.

Where I think he was an azz is the fact that your DD was with you and he still thought to get her a sandwich but not you.

I am sure that, even being a picky eater, he knows what you would and would not eat and could buy accordingly.

I am petty, so I would do what another poster mentioned. Bring home take-away for the family, except for DH, and say, "I didn't know you wanted anything".
Of course, I would have his take-away in the car, as I couldn't really do it. But, he would have a few moments of thought,

I think you lost me somewhere OP. Was your DD with you or your DH? I guess it really doesn't matter, as not bringing you a sandwich also was an azz-hat move.

Honestly, I cannot imagine my DH ever doing that, but I know I hit the Husband Jackpot.

I know a poster or two mentioned you could just make your own sandwich, but, how do they even know what you have in your larder? I guess they must have been making assumptions or have ESP. 🙄

Has this happened before - in which case he should know from last time what happens, or was he thinking that him buying sandwiches for him & DD would save you (or him) making sandwiches when they got home?

It could even be like someone else said - you only asked for toilet rolls not anything else so he took you at your word.

It's a bit like him calling at the chippy and only bringing food for him & DD - not you.

Some days the smallest things can tip us over the edge - people close to us being inconsiderate, a wrong word, a wrong look - you're only human and it would have been nice to be asked and/or appreciated x

You are not unreasonable, it’s not about the sandwich. The other day when we were coming back from the park my DW got hungry and asked me and our 4yr DS if we wanted McDonalds. We both said no. She parked and asked me again if I really didn't want anything, not even fries, to which I said no (again). She goy herself a Happy Meal and as she opened the box I suddenly got hungry and ate her fries. ( we were already on the way back home). When challenged that I said I didn’t want anything I replied: because I didn’t at the time, you should know, I’m a woman, I changed my mind. And the next day when she was grocery shopping she got me a chocolate bar she knows I like and said “Im never going to come back to you empty handed from the food store”.
She could have argued about that McDonald's situation, pointed how I was unreasonable, and win in any court but instead she chose to understand the deeper meaning.

Wow

Shocking. Abusive. Sounds just like a man: 'I told my wife I'm allowed to change my mind and now she comes back from her domestic tasks and brings me chocolate like a good obedient surrendered wife should.'

I'm a lesbian and I can attest to the fact that there are many lesbian women who behave really badly towards their partners.

I think this is actually more unreasonable than the op's husband. That's not thoughtless, that's spiteful.

Glad you got something to eat OP. Thoughtlessness can be very hurtful even if the person being thoughtless had no ill intentions.

So what was his excuse for not buying you a sandwich? If he says he just didn't think, explain to him how that makes you feel. That he thought of himself & DD but not you says to you he's not bothered about you or that you're not one of his priorities. That sounds a bit 'needy' but it's small things like this that can really upset me too so I know where you're coming from.

😂 Imagine being triggered by a father treating his child to lunch!

You made him feel guilty enough to go out and buy you a hot drink and a cake and yet you're still on here speaking bad about him.

I'd hate to be in a relationship where I'd rip into my partner because he dared to do something for himself and not include me.

It was a sandwich ffs.

As far as I can make out, the child was with the father.
The father treated himself and the child that was out with him to a sandwich each.
The wife then spoiled the moment because she hadn't been included in this father/child lunch.
That's how I've read the post.