I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

All I can see is that your parents are setting you up to take over from them OP.

Stay firm. You are a Mum to a baby- not a parent to everyone in your family.

Ahhhh.... I know people just like that. Totally get the 'play it up' when convenient. For them. Not anyone else.

I'm on your side, OP. Your life will be safer and quieter without his drama and violence.

Her brother is 3 hours away and never comes to see her. She doesn't want to spend the afternoon with him as part of the week-end break she and DH and DS were planning. I don't know where the 40 minutes comes from.

I think you’ve never brought up his violence so why would he think you had an issue with it? That’s background that he’s never been held accountable for so he doesn’t consider it. As far as he knows he had planned lunch and you couldn’t be bothered. This is what happens when people dance around things and go along with a delusion

I think the 40 minutes is the amount of time it would take OP and her DH to detour from their planned route to their weekend away in order to visit her dad. @Oreosareawful has misunderstood. And also misunderstood the fact that OP made it perfectly clear that she wasn't visiting to see her brother – how can he suddenly be upset by something he'd know all along?

It doesn't matter that he has autism. What matters is you've been abused and groomed into being an emotional support human for a violent man. I'm very glad for you and your DS that you are starting to see the light.

Your brother is:

Manipulative (including suicide threats timed perfectly when you gave birth) Jealous over his infant nephew
Selfish (who cares if it's due to autism, the anti-social effect on OP and the rest of the world is the same regardless)
Violent
He pushed you down the stairs, broke a wall, was violent to you daily in your childhood and your parents, instead of trying to protect you from him or trying to fix him, blamed you for the violence.

Your DH has been MORE than patient with your family. Protect your son, protect yourself. Put up very strict boundaries. And it doesn't sound like your brother even likes his nephew so who cares if he never sees him? The last thing you want is for your DS to grow up to mimic your brother's behavior.

🙄 ignore this utter rubbish OP, the back story is extremely relevant and the reference to ‘bad manners’ is worryingly dim. This is exactly the kind of manipulative crap that keeps women in abusive relationships and just generally quiet, because heaven forbid a woman should be ‘rude’ (which really means putting her own needs first).

YANBU and wish you the best with your new baby.

I guess in your brothers world it’s extreme that you cancelled on him as he probably hates change?
He can’t understand your reasons have you explained them? Yes people with asd lash out and no it isn’t ok but he is the one that needs to manage that and needs help to do it.
i feel for you as it sounds like you haven’t been as important as him your whole life and now you have a baby. Your priorities have changed. So im not much help but i can see both points of view here.

His needs and wants don't trump yours OP. (Not any more - anyway!)

He won't like change - and won't like missing out on your attention (free food) but that is a small disappointment he will have to manage. Life is full of them and autism does not exempt you so learning to deal with it has to start somewhere.

You need to look after yourself and start to create new boundaries. I'm glad your DH has a better sense of the world.

Since your brother is uncontrollably violent with those not as strong as himself... it would not be wise to foster a close relationship between him and your newborn or to spend too much time too close.

He is your brother but he is also a man who lashes out without thought for others. If he was not a relation, you would not be putting your baby anywhere near him.

Yes ,I think you were cruel and unkind

This may be irrelevant but, how is that being explained to him? Sometimes we try so hard to be gentle and respectful and explain thoroughly and patiently that we obscure the issue.

“yeah, no one else wants to go to KFC and talk about trains.”

We had to do a “No one else wants to go to a rich tramway museum. The kid’s having a meltdown because he’s looking forward to playing in the pool. We’re not going to Crich because no one else wants to.”
That was to an adult who then went off in a huff all day. We still haven’t been to Crich 🤣

Why?

@Summerpussy

@Tandora

How many times must a women be violently assaulted by a man before you'll allow them to withdraw?

And with reference to your son
”DB, DS is a tiny baby whose survival depends on us. We have no time to worry about anyone else now.”

Sometimes ASD requires you to be blunt.

Oh don't talk bollocks. OP should apologise to her abuser, because he's a poor autistic person persecuted by the uncaring N.T.s eh?

No. No. No. He's a violent bully and should have been stopped decades ago.

You're the one who made a black and white argument. And you are dead wrong.

It was the parents' responsibility to set these boundaries when op and her brother were children.

If you will accept that op's brother has been taught that being violent towards his sister is ok then can you not see that op will have been taught this as well? She knows it's wrong now but has never been taught or supported to stop it.

Childhood trauma is complex.

Unless they are OP. Got it. How dare she not enjoy being assaulted, his feelings are so much more important than her physical safety.

How about you get some therapy to find out what has gone so wrong for you that you post this abuser supporting nonsense?

Ignore the trolls, OP.

It sounds like your brother has an additional personality disorder.

I was going to say YABU, because you were rude to him by cancelling. But the reaction from your family has been extreme.

However, you didn't include this information in your original post. With this in mind, I would say YANBU, but I do think you could have given a polite excuse to stop things kicking off.

I disagree, yes she was sharing some of his time but to see her father and he gets 2 weeks while she gets 1 week.

Im sorry but she has no obligation to go visit someone who can’t be arsed to visit her and acts violently towards her. She has made it clear the only reason she wanted to detour was to see her father and since he is no longer coming she doesn’t have to go.

Sorry but I will not pander to anyone who uses statements such as “almost as awful as Hitler” to guilt trip me.

This. Utterly thoughtless.

Now when it is not convenient you dropnhim like a brick. Awful behaviour

And what if there’s a fourth time? And what if that fourth time kills you? ASD or not, your brother is abusive. His parents run around doing everything for him. Do they fear what will happen if they don’t?

by the by, the bit where he accused you of being a narcissist was interesting. Narcs mirror what they hate in themselves and accuse others of it instead. Take care OP.

@Treaclescourer

I see it as having 3 sort of separate issues.

1-DB has gone NC with you for his own reasons. Whether those are good reasons or not isn't relevant. He can go NC with anyone for any reason. We're always told on MN that we should 'honour' someone going NC with us, regardless of the 'specifics'. Therefore, it's not up to you to 'fix it'. It's up to you to 'respect it'. If your DB wants to 'reconnect' only then should you worry about what you want to do.

2- It appears that DB's decision has been, on the whole, a positive thing for your day to day life. No late night 'emergencies', no 3 hour trips, no demands for your time and attention. On that's score, NC is a 'win' for you. And that means you're entitled to keep NC or go LC even if he should change his mind.

3- Your family doesn't like it and wants you to 'fix it' (see 1 above, not your job). What you have to figure out is whether they want you to fix it because they are sad at the breakdown of your 'relationship' with your DB only in and of itself. Or if the reason they want this 'dealt with' is because they are now having to answer those midnight calls, make those 3 hour journeys, provide the 'caring' services that you've been carrying on your own. And because they're sick of hearing him complain about you like a broken record. Either way you don't have to change anything. It will just give you clarity on their motives and if they are 'selfish' ones, make it easier for you to put any lingering doubts to bed in your mind.

I think it is clear she doesn't value the relationship with him and she isn’t hiding the at fact but have you read anything from her post that suggests he values her?

He can’t even be bothered to visit his sister after she has a baby.