Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

It’s rude

I don't think it is rude of him. I think he is still paying his respects. I doubt going for a 'free feed' is on his mind. He can buy himself a drink and also his friend and be there.

Funerals are sometimes planned and confirmed without much notice (and mostly during the work day).

Both my parents died recently and some of our friends couldn't attend the funeral as it was during the day (care-home staff that looked after my Dad/teachers/and our working friends). They all made the effort to come to the wake as soon as they could as they loved my parents. I am certain they didn't just rock up for a free sausage roll/glass of wine!

If it's a big funeral no one would notice. Here the crem is quite small so often people are standing outside rather than inside and there's times when the family have said - 'get across the road to the wake rather than stand in the rain.'

I don't think it's that weird to be honest.

No. They will appreciate he made the effort to get to the part they can attend. The family will know that it is often difficult to get time off or work around schedules or get childcare and honestly it was lovely to see every single person who came to honour my Dad whatever part they could make.

It's rude.

In our circle, people show up on the day of the death and then in the days between the death and the funeral. And then in the days after.

I think it's a bit cheeky if he's going for a drink and a doss and didn't bother to make the effort to attend the funeral, but the family likely won't mind.

The op was clear that he just didn't prioritize the funeral - expecting to just rock up to the food wake.

It's fine. The family will appreciate him going to pay his respects. It's what the occasion is for.

What country are you in? In my country the wake is before the funeral and it would be accepted and even expected to go to the wake if you can't go to the funeral.

Or do you mean rock up for the food part after the funeral is over? Going to sympathise would be OK, I think. Going just for food and drink might be a little rude, that's for the people who travelled/spent the day at the funeral.

It's a big funeral they won't even notice he wasn't there

If he's not important enough to be noticed as missing then he's not needed at the wake. (Not saying he shouldn't go or that the family won't want him).

There has been a recent death in my circle, the family appreciated each and every day we were there, including on the day of the funeral.

We also brought food and helped clean and make tea for guests.

I've just re-read your post and you aren't going either so in reality it really doesnt effect you.

I'm sure your H is a big boy and can decide if it is acceptable to go along to the wake even though he isnt attending the funeral. I'm sure his friend will be thankful and appreciate his attendance.

Sounds like it was a problem to go to the funeral, but he could have arranged to go if that was the only option, but he did have another option, to go to the wake, so he did that instead. No problem. I doubt he just went for a glass of wine and a sausage roll, these things are usually pretty sombre and often more difficult to navigate than just going to the funeral.

It'll give the impression the food is the bigger draw IMO.

It really won't - unless he is standing over the buffet and eating all the food! Most people at a wake just pick at the food.

It’s all very mixed!
he could have gone to the funeral, I think that’s why I think it’s rude. He just don’t bother taking the time off work because he thinks it’s fine to just go to the wake.

it’s not a close friend. It’s someone he occasionally chats to in the pub but probably hasn’t seen in about 3 years.
So maybe that makes a difference.

I just figure if he so concerned about paying his respects, he should have made the effort to attend the service as his job would have allowed that.
I can understand when people absolutely can’t take time off work because of the nature of their job, but his is not like this.
he can take afternoons off for golf! That’s why I think he’ll look rude.
but up to him. He is a bit clueless with social graces whereas I would be mortified to think anyone thought me rude and I’d go to the service to avoid that. Or if I couldn’t make the service aswell I’d send a card with condolences.

he is also going to rock up in jeans as it’s ‘just the wake’ so they will definitely know he didn’t attend the service. I also think it’s a small service but can’t be sure on that obviously.

I think it depends on the person’s attitude to be honest. I can imagine someone who comes across as turning up for free food, or someone coming across as genuinely there to pay their respects.

I’ve just lost my Dad and some people came to the service and left before the wake, others who couldn’t make the service came to the wake. I didn’t find it rude at all, I’m just glad they came!

Where are you OP? What are you referring to as 'the wake'?

I'm in Ireland. The wake is what happens before the funeral & burial, usually at home, and in general, it's completely fine for anyone to call by in the hours specified.

However, you seem to be talking about the meal / refreshments after the funeral service. That is an odd thing to do & I wouldn't do this - I'd sympathise separately via call, letter, visit or even text. We don't call thjs a 'wake' in Ireland but maybe it's different in the UK?

Customs vary so much around death it is hard to say. I'm Irish, it is pretty informal, what is important is to pay your resoects. So if someone came to the afters of the funeral so that they could do that I think most people would be fine with that. I mean, he's not doing it for free food and drink is he? It's because he wants to acknowledge the loss. Also how you dress isn't important at all. However I do realise that in the UK things tend to be more formal. If I were you I would trust your partner, after all, you are not their mother.

It’s someone he occasionally chats to in the pub but probably hasn’t seen in about 3 years.

I guess only he knows the dynamic. I wouldn't go to a meal / refreshments of someone I had this connection with, though I might go to the funeral. (Again, Ireland, so going to anyone's funeral is fine, it's not by invite).

I'm in England so the wake is after the service.

He says he won't eat any food. So at least there is that.

At least alot of you think he won't look rude, so thats good.

It’s not rude at all. At my late father’s funeral a group of his airforce apprentice were at the wake. It was really nice, I hadn’t met any before. Dad was mid nineties so it was really touching and if never occurred to me to think anything else

I mean, kind of. But it would definitely be a bit odd here (Ireland) if someone came to the meal / hotel to sympathise not having done so before. That's because we have a few opportunities to do this - the removal, wake or funeral.

By the time you get to the after part, you really want to relax & chat a bit, it would be odd if people are specifically sympathising with you at this point.

Again, if OP isn't in Ireland, it's possibly different.

I honestly don't see how eating the food or not makes a difference.

I find it perplexing this is called a wake! The very definition of a wake is to pay respects to the deceased person ahead of their interring.

What you're talking about is a post-service celebration of their life. It sounds like it's normal enough in the UK for people to do to this without going to the service, which I can understand as I know the funeral is often by invitation.