Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

I had this with someone I knew in our village. I told the other villagers I couldn't make it to the funeral as I was at work (I didn't really know them personally) and they were very welcoming and said come to the wake. I did just that. Very nice people

I doubt anyone would notice, unless it was very, very sparsely attended. And if they did, you would just say it wasn’t possible for you to attend the earlier service. I can’t imagine anyone would notice or ask tho.

Come on though – unless you're destitute, who would take time out of their lives to attend a wake, just to get some free sandwiches and a cup of tea?

With regards to the terminology, what has traditionally been referred to as the wake, was the gathering of people to watch over the body of the deceased before they were buried/cremated, it's not common to have your loved one at home anymore after they die, so if you want to see your loved one you normally arrange to see them in the chapel of rest, in which case the gathering of friends and family is normally done after the service, which in the UK is now commonly referred to as the wake.

It is perfectly acceptable to call that a wake as that's what most people and funeral directors refer to it as, it may not be the traditional term, but it's what most people know it as now.

Very rude

Maybe he thinks it will be free beer/spirits all evening.

In England this bit is called a wake.

Surely if you wanted a drink you’d just go to the pub, to a genuinely relaxing environment? Or buy a bottle of something to drink at home?

If someone’s making the effort to attend a wake – often quite challenging to navigate – they almost certainly are not motivated by food and drink, unless they’re a real weirdo or living in poverty

@EarringsandLipstick we are not catholic, and have Scottish roots? Nah, I don't know really!
I think the pub caterers just put them there. Lol. We need to invent 'irish eggs', maybe with black pudding? Haha.

Next week DP is going to a funeral of someone he has known for many years. I've never met the deceased but I do know his family, but not well.

The funeral will be huge. I'll not go to the funeral but will be popping to the wake afterwards to pay my respect to the family. Lots of people will do the same as the funeral isn't being held locally and many can't get there.

I think he should dress appropriately and go briefly rather than hang about drinking.

Going to funerals for food/drink and socialising is actually really common.

What, purely as an alternative venue to a restaurant, with the deceased playing zero role in the decision to attend?

It’s not rude at all, it’s perfectly normal not to attend a funeral unless it’s a relative or close friend, just go along to the wake.

Ive done this a few times in last few years when it’s someone I knew well enough to pay my respects but wouldn’t call a close friend.

On all occasions the family were absolutely happy to see people come later on the day to pay their respects and fully understood not everyone will attend all day.

I think it's important to show up at either the funeral or the wake. When my father died, I was just grateful to everyone who made the effort. I didn't care whether they attended one or both events.

In fact, I'm going to have to miss a funeral shortly, but am determined to get to the wake afterwards. I have an appointment that can't be changed at the same time as the funeral, but will travel on from that to the wake. I'm very sorry I can't get to the funeral, so this is the only way I can still pay my respects.

I’ve known a few. Used to know someone that would bring all his children to community events and encourage them to eat as much as they can, while he filled up the Tupperware. He was a well known cheapskate.
Food and buffets are often the unofficial selling point of a lot work and other events people aren’t too fussed on attending as well.
In the ops case, unless your dh is known as the local free loader he should be ok, but post service get togethers ime are usually for close friends and family to catch up and check in with each other. Unless there are other ‘pub friends ‘ going similar to him or he knows the family, he’s gonna feel like an outsider.

It's fine. Showing your face is the most important thing. (Ruder to not bother at all.)

Absolutely the same. That’s how I felt. That they had taken time out of their day to come & pay respects. We had lots who came to the wake only. It really didn’t occur to any of us to be offended.

I am in the UK, and been to several
funerals, but literally never heard the funeral reception/ tea referred to as a wake but ill take your word for it!
With my elderly relatives who have died they weren’t at home mostly, but in the chapel of rest, and people would come to the house to pay respects and maybe visit them at the chapel in the days before the funeral. I think in the old days they would have been at home. I always thought the “wake” part referred to literally staying awake with the deceased, to sort of keep them company.

Depends- usually I would say no. But recently attending two funerals we had people arrive for the wake.

For one she was NC with the parent but is very close to the wider family so still came to the wake.

The other a few people meet us at the wake after the Crem - it was very much close family only and they where more pub mates & felt it right to leave the family to attend cremation.

Depends on the family, funeral culture varies a lot. I've been to many funeral teas that I have not attended do to my job

I've only ever known it called a wake - couple of links to funeral directors below where they talk about it typically happening after the service nowadays, so I'd say its pretty common.

https://www.funeralpartners.co.uk/help-advice/after-a-funeral/what-is-a-funeral-wake/#:~:text=A%20wake%2C%20also%20known%20as,the%20funeral%20or%20memorial%20service.

https://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/arranging-a-funeral/planning-a-funeral/organising-a-wake/

I think its not up to you. Your partner is an adult and gets to make his own decisions.

I think anyone can go to a funeral but you have to be invited to a wake. If you have invited someone to a wake and they don't attend the funeral I don't see a problem with that.

@TiredandKnackeredand **

Come on though – unless you're destitute, who would take time out of their lives to attend a wake, just to get some free sandwiches and a cup of tea?

My sister! She'd often take her kids along to wakes with her to feed them. "Saves me feeding them later". She wasn't skint, just tight. She was overheard at my FIL funeral telling her DS to eat as much as he could so she wouldn't have to sort him tea. She even took a paper plate piled with food for his lunch box the following day! I've never been so embarrassed.