Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

Recent close family funeral - some people due to work couldn't make proceeding funeral and came to the after meeting at local rooms with coffee tea and some buffet food- we the family didn't think it rude were just very pleased they made an effort to come. Others just came to the funeral service which was also completely fine.

If he's going and paying for his own drinks (not eating food) then that's not too bad. But if he's going for free food/drinks, don't feel that's right - only time it would be is if it was really difficult to attend funeral and then you were invited to wake (I guess he's been invited to the wake, not everyone is).

This is true, he would just have gone to the removal the night before, but I think if someone turned up saying they couldn't make it earlier, no one would get too upset about it.

I'd think it's a bit rude to go to the wake / purvey / tea after the funeral if you weren't a close friend.

Although that said I think it became a thing for my Granny's generation, in the 80s go to the tea but not the crematorium. Mainly because of transport issues and their own frailties. But we were talking close friends who'd meet at the old folks club every week.

Rocking up at the service of a friend is different. I've been at the services of people I never actually met like friends parents to show a bit of support for friends.

I agree on the terminology. It's not a wake it's a funeral tea. That happens after the service for people who have been to the service to socialise, draw breath and talk about the deceased. I see a wake as a party that happens before the funeral.
I think it's odd to attend the funeral tea without going to the service but if the family are content that's all that matters

It's a shame he didn't rearrange his work diary if that was a possibility, as you say. However, I don't think it's rude to just attend the wake. A couple of friends of mine did this as they are teachers, and I was pleased to see them.

What I do think is extremely rude is people ordering double spirits when it's a free bar .... or lining their drinks up worried the bar tab is going to run out. (Wasn't my teacher friends btw!).

Going to the wake and not the service = not rude.
Wearing jeans (unless black) and not making an effort = rude

I'm usually pretty laid back about this sort of thing, but I would think it was rude.

Maybe it's just the funerals I've been to but the 'wake' (post funeral) doesn't really seem to be that much about the person and is more refreshments, catching up with other guests, people checking in on how the nearest and dearest of the deceased are coping etc.
There may be a few stories told about that deceased but not all conversation is about them. The service itself has been for paying respects.

I wouldn't really consider it appropriate to go to the wake without the funeral unless he was literally calling in, not eating or drinking (even if buying his own) to offer brief condolences to the widow (or whoever).

It would depend on the circumstances m. If a person has to be at work and would
miss the funeral but can arrive later at the wake then that's acceptable.

Or if someone has to travel a distance and relies on public transport times and would miss the funeral and can arrive for the wake, that's also acceptable.

I don't think people go to wakes for free food and drink. If it were me (hosting), I would appreciate someone making an effort popping in to pay their respects. I wouldn't want a massive crowd of random people at the actual funeral which is more appropriate for a quiet family gathering. A wake is an open house affair as far as I am concerned.
Also, I would have no way of knowing if someone could or couldn't arrange time off work, nor would I have emotional capacity to care at that point.
And if my husband wanted to do what yours does, I am sure as hell won't have emotional capacity to be mortified on his behalf. Unless he is terribly famous and it will all be in tomorrow's newspapers.

I don't think it's rude. In my Irish family you can come to both or either, just not none! Lol.
They should turn up and be supportive and respectful to the bereaved, polite chit chat, scotch egg, one drink then leave. In my experience some they'd stay and drink the bar dry but less said about that the better!

What Irish family are you, that eat Scotch eggs? 😂 not a thing in Ireland!

Do you mean Irish in the UK?

I would send flowers to the funeral with a note saying that due to work commitments I could not make the funeral, however I have managed to get time in order to join them afterwards.

Just to clarify, the way it seems to work here is the service (in this case at a crematorium) happens and there is no invite, it is an open invitation for anyone wishing to come along and say goodbye/pay their respects etc. What I am calling a wake is the bit afterwards where everyone goes to following the service, usually there is some food/drink and is more relaxed. In my experience there are sometimes stories told between people about the deceased or people just chat generally.

I'm obviously overthinking this as always. It just felt a bit rude to me to not make the effort to attend the service which is I think more important to show your respects. And unless there is a good reason not to, like unable to take time off work etc thats the place to do it. But glad alot of people wouldn't see it as rude to show up afterwards.
And likely the widow will not know he couldn't actually take the time off work (if she even knows who he is!).

I'd expect to be service to be close friends and family, then the wake afterwards to be everyone else personally. That's how I've always known it, but of course everyone is different. The wakes I've been to are frequently in the local pub. The rare exceptions have been a couple where the crematorium hosted the wake, in which case I'd expect service as well.

it’s not a close friend. It’s someone he occasionally chats to in the pub but probably hasn’t seen in about 3 years.

This is the reason that going to the wake and not the funeral is rude, it should be the other way round, if it was someone you knew well you would walk in, approach the family, offer your condolences and apologise for not being able to make the funeral, most people would understand that as funeral times aren't often convenient and I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

BUT if he doesn't even know the family and the family don't know him, he hasn't even seen the guy for 3 years, and has no intention of approaching his family to offer condolences then he shouldn't go IMO, it's rude to just invite yourself to a wake.

Yes, agree. It's really odd, IMO

@Justwantcookies

I don't think you are over-thinking, except for the aspect that it doesn't really matter to you! (As you're not going anyway).

It's not great he's doing this, I do think it lacks a bit of respect. The 'solemn' part of the day is the service & burial / cremation, the other is social.

But it sounds like it won't matter really, and I would let him at it!

Agree this might be a cultural thing but this isn't the wake. The is the meal /refreshments after the funeral is over. It would be strange to turn up at this and not the removal or the funeral itself.

Sounds like he sees it as an excuse for a get together and drinking. Socialising. So yeah, I’d also be side eyeing him. Not wanting the funeral, turning, up in jeans, he’s acting like it’s a night out.

Is he mixing it up with a wedding where loads of people don't go to the 'service' but attend the drinks in the evening?

I don't actually think its that rude though - he's taking the chance to pay his respects, and to be honest, the bit afterwards where everyone shares stories etc always feels to me like the 'real' bit of the ceremony.

I’ve been to the wakes of a few people
who weren’t close enough for me to be given a day off, I have to be careful about the leave that I take as I have dc and school holidays to take into consideration so dh (self employed) will have gone along to the funeral and I’ll meet the family after work.
Not there for the food (I’m careful about what i eat so don’t touch the by that stage no doubt stale sandwiches and cold sausages or whatever is standard wake food) and there’s not usually a free bar at any wake I’ve ever been to so I’ve always bought my own.
Strange that people might think I’m being greedy or rude when all I’m doing is popping in to send my well wishes to a family in mourning. Mind you, I’ve always got the impression that they were happy I came so perhaps this is a MN thing once again!

It’s the funeral tea, not a wake, right? A wake is ( as I have always understood it) where family stay with the body before burial/ cremation?
Also, as far as funerals being invitation only in the uk; actually they are a public event and anyone can go. That’s why you sometimes get the mistress turning up 😁
OP I think it’s a bit rude as he could have gone to the actual service. But it’s on him not you.

It does look a bit like you’re just turning up for the buffet, although his absence at the funeral might not be noticed if it’s a particularly well attended one.

Are you not in the uk? A wake is the get together after typically.