Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

When my Mum died loads of people came. She had delivered the parish newsletter for years, had been a helper at Sunday crèche looking after the little ones whilst parents in church because she likes to go to church herself in the evening. She belonged to the Mothers Union and had lots of friends. About 70 turned out I had no idea if a person came to the wake who hadn't attended the church service for her. I lived 150 miles away. I really appreciated that lots of my old school friends who still lived locally attended and several told me they remembered she baked them cakes to take home after playing at our house. I'm sure the family will appreciate your DH showing his respects.

Oh interesting- what part of Ireland are you from? I’ve been to wakes lots of places - Waterford, Tipperary, Dublin, Kildare, Meath, Wicklow and quite a few other places. Not everyone I know has an open casket in the house anymore (though most do) but we would still refer to people coming the night before as the wake even when the deceased is in a funeral parlour - the bit after the funeral has always been referred to as the “afters” or the “meal” if they’re doing food.

It’s totally fine to go to the wake and pay your respects without going to the funeral when it’s before the funeral or to just call to the house in the days before but would be considered strange to go to the afters/meal without going to the funeral as that’s usually a spread put on for those who travelled down. It’s also usually a very different vibe (depending on the age and circumstances) - a wake can be more about telling stories and sharing memories, more of a celebration of life when it’s an older person than the afters which are usually more sombre.

Oh I forgot to add many funeral’s I’ve been to I’ve been told by close friends/relatives that the family is exhausted after days of callers and want just very close friends or relatives at the afters - which is so understandable but generally you’re given the nod by someone at the funeral if they need a smaller crowd or if they want everyone to come.

Someone I knew had their funeral last week. I couldn’t make the funeral but stood at the side of the road in the village to pay my respects as the car went through, along with a lot of other people. I’d asked his daughter what time they would be going through the village and she told me to pop down to the wake if I could make that.

id have welcomed anyone who wanted to pay their respects to my father at any point in the day. Things are different nowadays. People often have cremations without ceremonies nowadays. My best friend just wanted a wake.

Back to the 'wake' bit

A wake 💯 means the mourning period prior to the service & burial.

It's been adapted in practice, in the UK, it appears, to cover the social gathering afterwards.

But the meaning of wake and talking of 'waking the dead' refers to staying awake with the deceased the night before the burial to ward off evil spirits. That has its origins in Catholic beliefs, so it's obviously been adapted by other religions & cultures, to refer to the post-funeral gathering.

And clearly when we now talk about a 'wake' in Ireland, we don't mean specifically to guard against evil spirits but it's still very common to sit through the night in a church, if the deceased has been 'removed' there, to keep them company.

I've buried close family members. I don't think I'd be annoyed but I'd absolutely think it strange if someone had turned up only to the meal afterwards.

My dad's funeral was huge - he was a relatively public figure where we lived / due to his job. So we had hours & hours of sympathising at the funeral home, then more at the removal (when the body is taken to the church), then more after the removal service. Long queues the next day before & after the funeral service & at the graveside. All normal in Ireland at Catholic funerals where there can be hundreds in attendance.

By the time of the meal afterwards I was done with sympathising. It would have been so odd if someone had. We were chatting, reminiscing & getting a break after a tough few days.

In England the wake is after the funeral because you're celebrating/recognising them "waking" into their afterlife. There's a few societies do it.

Paying your respects before the funeral is holding vigil, attending a viewing (if you're with the deceased), or just a social event.

It's not that uncommon to come to just the wake. People were still arriving at my dad's wake for several hours. Some people avoid the service because they feel like they'd be intruding on a family's grief (though I don't agree), or just logistics.

I have more of an issue with the jeans, I think. But then I dressed my kids in black and white for a relative's funeral recently, so I might be a bit old fashioned!

I think this goes to show it’s very location dependent and culturally based. Where I am from, this would be absolutely fine. I wouldn’t wear jeans though, that’s a no no.

My parent died in their late 50’s nearly 20 years ago. So a big funeral - we had a marquee for the wake, about 150 people came to the church. I can still name now the ones (three people) that turned up at the house but didn’t come to the church. I can’t say it offended me much at the time, too busy, but I've obviously committed it to memory! I think it does smack a bit of turning up for the food and booze…

It may be the case, but your explanation is wrong. The wake is absolutely pre-service - before the person is buried. The word is being used to refer to after-service events but that's not the correct usage, it's just become used in that way in the UK.

Nope. Usage is an extremely relevant aspect of meaning. Maybe you’re getting confused with etymology (origins of words?)

‘Wake’ has been the gathering after the funeral for a long time where I’m from in England.

My mum died 25 years ago and the get together after the funeral was a wake then (including for aunties and uncles born in the 50s and 40s and my grandma and her generation born in the 20s).

You may use it differently but it doesn’t negate other regional uses of the word.

I clicked on the wrong vote because I'm not used to wanting to say this is fine yet clicking YABU.
Yes, this is fine.

With funerals, the service bit is heavy, morbid, downright upsetting, the wake is far more uplifting and less sombre.

In nutshell, he’s missing the meaningful, upsetting bit and going for a free pint and sandwich.

That’s what I think. It’s kind to offer his condolences at the wake if he can’t make the funeral but the wake’s not a party. He should show his acknowledgement of that.

Usage is an extremely relevant aspect of meaning. Maybe you’re getting confused with etymology (origins of words?)

A little bit patronising but ok!

For confirmation, here's the dictionary definition, attached.

It's clear that wake is Irish in origin, and refers to the vigil held beside the deceased.

It's true that words can evolve in meaning, through usage, and clearly here the word is now being used, in UK context largely, to mean something else entirely.

But it doesn't negate that that isn't what the word originally meant, and correctly used, still does.

I'm only speculating that it's used differently in the UK as the traditions of waking the body might be less prevalent in former times and as they are largely associated with the Catholic faith, less likely to happen, overall.

And I'm not arguing that how words are used doesn't change over time or have regional or country variation, of course it does.

But in this case, the word 'wake' has a specific meaning which is removed by using it to refer to the party / social event afterwards (as per my last post - it means staying awake (the 'wake') to ensure the soul of deceased is protected from any evil, before going to their final repose.) It can of course be used to refer to anything else at all including the 'party' or gathering afterwards but it doesn't make sense given what the word actually means.

There is zero point in arguing over the meaning of the word wake.
It seems to have evolved from before the funeral to the reception after the funeral.
It might well be a RC / CoE cultural difference as much as anything.

Google brings it up being used in both contexts too.

There is zero point in arguing over the meaning of the word wake.

Oh I know! It's just irking me 😀

I'm fine with the usage changing. It's just the meaning of the word is so clear, it's hard to see it used in a way that makes no sense!

This