Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

I find a meal at a wake a strange concept, all funerals I’ve ever attended have been a buffet style rather than providing people a sit down meal.

Over and above that, I think it’s entirely common for people who maybe haven’t been in touch in recent times to still attend a funeral, people lose touch but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to pay their respects.

Gosh. Funeral etiquette is so diverse. In England at least, the wake is post funeral. It's generally in a local pub or function room with a finger buffet and the funeral celebrant generally invites everyone at the end of the service.

If I wasn't able to attend the funeral due to work commitments etc and it was morning or early afternoon then I'd not attend the wake. But if I knew family or the deceased socially, I'd definitely pop in to the wake after work if it was in a local pub or hotel just to say hello and join in the celebration of a life. But I appreciate everyone grieves differently

I don’t feel it’s rude. A friend of DS lost his mum and DS couldn’t get time off work. He went to the wake afterwards to support his friend. Nothing at all was thought of it and all afternoon people were coming and going (we were there also but we’d been to the funeral)

The wakes I’ve attended have been full of good memories being shared, laughs and reminiscing, quite a positive atmosphere after the funeral. I don’t think it’s as formal as it used to be. Especially as it’s someone he just used to drink with now and then, I wouldn’t think anything of someone popping in after to pay their respects.

Well it's not because Wake means to stay with the deceased in their home before they are buried/cremated. It's not another word for the afters of a funeral that can be used interchangeably and have the same meaning 🤷🏻‍♀️
Clearly in the UK it's common for people to use it incorrectly
In Ireland generally it would be unusual to not attend the funeral but come to the afters

It's rude. To go to any food reception when you haven't attended the ceremony is very bad manners unless a very good genuine reason.

Also, a wake refers to when the person is 'waked' at home or in a funeral home, usually an open coffin where people come and pay their respects. I think you are referring to the reception afterwards with food etc

I can remember as a kid 70s / 80s people doing this, they mostly stood outside the church watching the ‘happy couple’ but some would go inside
Communities were smaller, everyone knew each other and it was a public event.

@notedbiscuits that's a totally different scenario. And the intent was there to get to the funeral.

I know of someone who back in the days before mobiles, rocked up at a funeral. We don't recognise these folk. They'd got the time wrong, so sat respectfully through a complete strangers funeral .

The meaning of wake in Ireland is different to the rest of the UK.

As I said like its like pants, to some they go on before your trousers 👖 to others they are your trousers. Nobody's wrong the words have evolved to have different meanings in different places.

It is used for both in the uk:

1. COUNTABLE NOUN [usually singular]A wake is a gathering or social event that is held before or after someone's funeral.

A funeral wake was in progress.

it May not be the traditional meaning or usage but it’s now commonly used enough to be in various types of the English dictionary

I feel remarkably strongly that this is fine, and it would be wrong to try to put him off. People coming to sympathise with the family is what matters most; I wouldn't have known who was in my DF's service anyway, but welcomed chats back at the wake. Some might feel differently, but better to have shown support if he can.

Neither is wrong, it simply has a different meaning. Nobody in England calls the gathering following a funeral service the afters, it’s simply a different description, no need for either to be branded incorrect.

Ahem the rest of the UK? I think you mean different in Ireland to the UK ☺️

I think it depends on how close you were to the deceased and sometimes practicalities.

Its rude AF in my opinion. Really tacky behaviour.

I’m really surprised by the number of people saying it’s not rude. I think it’s incredibly rude and I’m not usually bothered by these sort of things. It just looks like you can’t be arsed actually engaging with the fact that someone has died and people are grieving, and are just treating it as a social event. An absolute no.

I don't think it's rude. Funerals are often family only with more people showing up after.

No! You can to the removals, the funeral, the wake, a combo of them or all three and it's fine.

I agree. I feel really strongly that it’s a pretty normal scenario and if the family are happy with it, I can not begin to understand how it’s considered rude.

But the family will not know that and will appreciate that he came to honour their loved one in whatever form that suits him.

Thanks for all your comments. Seems it’s very mixed and I agree it does depend on the situation and other factors.
And for those saying he’s an adult, he can do what he wants, of course he can!
he just said this morning he would ‘pop’ to the wake and I said don’t you think that looks a bit rude if you miss the service and hence the discussion ensued.
We agreed to disagree but was good to get everyone’s opinion.
I did think I was right, so I stand corrected 😂

I still think it’s a little bit rude in this scenario, but not as bad as I thought.
But he’s gone and he says he won’t eat the food ( I bet he will if there’s a scotch egg going!) and he’ll offer our condolences, have a beer and leave.
though if other pub buddies are there I can see this transferring to the pub I reckon so I don’t expect him home anytime soon.
All I asked of him was be sure to offer our condolences.

Also I’ve learnt why it’s called a wake. I did always wonder as it’s a strange word to use for what is effectively a gathering because someone absolutely will never be awake again. Where we are this is what is called the gathering after the service, I had no idea it was so varied depending on where you live.
my dp refers to it as the afterlife party. I told him NOT to say that when he is there. As mentioned before he has rubbish social graces at times.
maybe that’s why I worry about coming across as rude so much!

As an aside, I have a different experience in Ireland to previous poster. We have the removal, funeral and wake (which is the food and drink part - no open coffins here in this part of Ireland); people go to whichever bit they can make. There's usually only a few days after the death so people have to put in effort to get to any of it.

Something like that, 😜
I think there might even be a bit of a RC vs CoE / CoS thing going on, to what is considered a wake. 😬 So it's probably not even as clean cut as Ireland vs UK more of a cultural difference.

Me too, I honestly wouldn't dream of it

I just remembered someone did this with a grandparent's funeral. Well, two people. Tiny funeral and two extras showed afterwards for the wake, they worked at the retirement home. We were so grateful to hear those few extra stories. A wake really is the retelling of a life sometimes, and each person who cares to whatever extent, matters.

It's incredibly rude to turn up at the buffet / tea / wake / drink / whatever you want to call it afterwards if he hasn't been to the funeral itself.

he is also going to rock up in jeans as it’s ‘just the wake’

This is just as disrespectful.