Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

[Justwantcookies]

Not sure if I'm just over thinking this but is it a bit rude to go to the wake if you haven't made the effort to attend the funeral?

My thoughts are that if you can't make it to the funeral to pay your respects you send a condolence card/flowers or call round the persons house to see them.
It just feels a bit odd to me to rock up for drinks and buffet food to 'pay your respects'? Or am I totally being weird about this?

Dp says its normal. I'm not going but he is as its someone he knows but not close to. He could have attended the funeral if he'd arranged his work calendar better when he first found out about it, but didn't bother as said he'd just go to the wake when hes back.

I've told him thats rude. Hes told me its normal and i'm being weird.

YABU: Its fine,they won't find it rude
YANBU: If he couldn't make the effort to attend the service, he shouldn't go to the wake.

I’m also born and bred in the UK (London) and never known it be called anything other than the wake. Never heard it referred to as the reception and certainly not ‘tea’

Tbh the ones I’ve attended recently have been in bars/private clubs so by the time most wake attendees arrive then there’s no free food and drink anyway.

I think there's two scenarios here -

1/ Don't or can't attend the funeral service, turn up at the wake, fill your face with food and drink and leave without engaging with the bereaved friends and family = RUDE

2/ Don't or can't attend the funeral service, turn up at the wake, have some food and drink, spend time offering support and friendship to the bereaved, share fond memories of the deceased etc = NOT RUDE

Strange order of events in my experiences - we always have the wake followed by the funeral. Many go to wake and not funeral as funeral is deemed more "intimate" for close family/friends, whereas wake is for anyone who knew the deceased - work, casually, etc.
I think your support is appropriate, not everyone is going to be able to make both events, still supporting the living is the main intent so not rude.

TIL that in England, you can have a wake without the deceased present as they’re already buried. Blows my mind a little!

i agree with the others who have said that it kind of depends on attitude. If someone called into the tea and buns reception bit following the service and gave their condolences and said something like “sorry I couldn’t make it to the service but wanted to drop in” I would think that is nice.

if they just slope in and stuff their face….bit rude and weird.

Blimey, yes excruciating! Fortunately I think she’s probably an outlier..!

OP, remind your husband not to stock up on sausage rolls for next day’s lunch 😉

It seems a bit grabby to rock up for tea and sandwiches after and not go to the actual funeral....unless you've contacted the family in advance to tell them the reason why.

Personally I wouldn't attend a wake without going to a funeral first. However, if someone wanted to attend only the wake I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'd say just explain to the hosts "I'm so sorry I couldn't attend the funeral as I was working, but I did want to come and pay my respects" should make it all fine.

Lot of discussion over the work wake, it's a bit like pants means different things in different places.
Nobody's right, Nobody's wrong just different.

Personally I think the reception, wake, tea after the funeral is a more private space for the family and close friends than the actual funeral.
They are generally held in a venue because nobody has space or the capacity cater tons of people back to the house.

It's not that unusual for acquaintance to get away from work for an hour or two to attend the actual funeral (assuming they are local)

I think it's quiet rude to turn up to what's basically a private function if you don't know the family that well.

@Needanewname42

I see it as completely the opposite. To me the actual funeral is for family and close friends - I certainly wouldn’t put out an open invite to the actual burial/cremation for my family members.

Then the wake afterwards is for other friends, acquaintances, neighbours, work colleagues etc to drop in for a couple of hours to pay their respects and raise a glass to the deceased.

I agree with Needanewname42. The actual funeral is an open, public event. A invitation is not needed to attend anyone’s funeral. The wake/ funeral tea/ social is catered and more private.

@SamW98 thinking about it from very public funerals, what bits appear on the telly, the actual service not the private tea / wake after it.

Bit like a church wedding, it's an open public event, but the reception after it is invite only, private affair.

It's not long since we had DMs funeral and I wouldn't have minded someone coming to the wake if they hadn't been able to get time away from work for the funeral.

If it hadn't have been for the part at the end we went to look at flowers in the garden I wouldn't have known who was at the funeral anyway.

It's cheeky but unlikely anyone will notice

It’s really rude and I’m surprised so may people think it’s fine. Maybe they haven’t had the pleasure of paying for a wake for a loved one.

If I’d known about it, I’d have found it very rude when I had to arrange and pay for a funeral and wake, but honestly, I probably wouldn’t have noticed because freeloaders weren’t my priority.

It does come across as rude , doing as little as possible for the family as possible then just showing up for the already organized drinks .

As the deceased person is someone he used to speak to occasionally but hasn’t in over 3 years , I find it odd that he wants to attend. I recently organised a funeral for a family member. The bar restaurant providing the meal after the crematorium did a head count and the bill was based on that. I would have been puzzled to say the least if the head count included folk who hadn’t been around for years and then bypassed the funeral service .

@Needanewname42

I’d disagree that a wedding is a public event. To me it’s strict invite only. I would say turning up uninvited to a wedding ceremony or funeral is far ruder than going to a wake but suppose it’s different customers for different people.

The wakes I've attended in last few years all had a go fund me type page to help the family pay for the wedding/funeral so it’s not a bunch of freeloaders wanting to be fed and watered. And tbh the money across the bar only really lasted the first hour or so. Those who arrived to pay their respects at the wake paid for their own drinks

Yes, but legally anyone can attend a wedding ceremony held in a church, they are considered public events. So whilst it rarely happens, anybody can in theory turn up to your wedding and there's nothing you can do about it!

Its only rude if you do this

At my mums funeral nobody would’ve minded someone coming along for either the funeral, the wake, either or, or both. And actually I doubt anyone would’ve noticed either, nobody is taking a register!

If someone is coming to show their respects and to support the family it’s a weird thing to start getting offended about imo, I had much bigger things to worry about.

lol but it’s definitely rude

It’d be rude for a reception-only guest to turn up to the main ceremony, let alone some total randomer who didn’t even make it to the disco 😆

My dad missed a cousin's funeral last year. His sat nav played up and he couldn't find the crematorium. He thought Gedling Crematorium was in Gedling. It's actually about 3-4 miles away. Name is misleading. Should be called North Nottingham Crematorium.

He turned up to the wake apologising. He wasn't the only relative that missed the funeral.

He had various numbers for other relatives attending the funeral but didn't want to ring them as everyone had phone on silent or switched off which is the norm for a funeral. Plus 100% respectful.

I am Irish and live in England, I don’t think it’s rude.

This reminds me of Miley Cyrus singing at Pete Davidson in the wake of Kim-gate and rumours of his huge appendage 😆