Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

No offence but your husband sounds ghastly.

(OK - putting 'no offence' before that wasn't all that helpful. He does sound ghastly though).

Do you own your house? Is it in joint names? Do you have joint savings? Because I would be very quietly getting my self sorted financially….

This man is tight, nasty and an inverted snob. He begrudged his future wife the wedding of her dreams…. Just think about that for a minute!
He thought your dad should have had a party at the Brewers Fayre…but it’s nothing to do with him. And he refuses to welcome your parents in your house? But he expected your mum to give up work to care for his kids? Free of charge of course…. He really is a prince isn’t he!

How is he going to be when you both retire? Do you want to spent 24 hours a day with this man who begrudges you spending money? And when you come into any inheritance from your parents he will be entitled to some if you divorce.

I would think long and hard if you really enjoy life with this man. Does he bring anything to your life? And if the answer is no then start planning to seperate.

As for your sons party…. He will have seen how awful his father is. Get him on his own and tell him you are sure he can see how his father feels about your parents and how sad it makes you. But it’s his party and he can choose who he likes to celebrate with him and you will back his choice.

I have seen this so many times and it has happened me too, you will put up with ‘stuff’ yourself, but when that person does it to your child, or someone you love, you suddenly see the ‘wrongness’ of it.

What he is doing to your son is awful.
What he has done to your parents is awful.
What he has done to you is awful.

You need to really think about your future. You are someone’s child too. All the very best to you x

I can see why your parents don’t like him. Imagine throwing a strop about where a 75 yo wishes to celebrate their birthday.

I'm amazed that load he’s carrying has broken his neck- inverse snob 🙄.

Hopefully your son has the will to enjoy his birthday as he’d like and not pander to his insufferable, abusive father 😒.

I’d be interested to know his views on inheriting from these snobs who worked longer to have an enjoyable lifestyle.

Your husband is an absolute arse. He has no right to make judgement on the way other people live their life, who the fuck does he think he isn’t?

You should have out your foot down when he said your parents weren’t allowed into the home, it’s your home too!

What a baby he is saying he isn’t going to your son’s birthday party because your parents are going, what age is your husband 12? He isn’t at a playground.

I bet your husband will enjoy your inheritance when the time comes.

Let your son do what he wants to do, it his party, and tell your husband to grow up.

Your husband either has a massive superiority complex or he lacks confidence. Lacks confidence: He doesn't like going where he may make mistakes, be shown up for being the 'wrong' class or something. He obviously worries how people see him.
Superiority complex: Can include lack of confidence BUT it looks like he despises people who are not 'ordinary' or 'run of the mill' - people my late DH tended to call 'cardboard cutouts' (he was a huge egotist but got on with everyone, though he did not suffer fools gladly) - in other words, people who do nothing extraordinary, just a pint down the pub chaps, warts and all sort of person. Stingy, too. That he doesn't understand why you prefer a wine bar to coffee at home I quite see: how could he understand it.
Tell him that your DS will invite who he choses to his 18th and if dad does not show up this will be something DS will never forget.

Tell your son to have his party. Ask anyone he wants, if your DH decides not to come then be missies out and no one else.

Don't let him start to blame your parents or any of that nonsense "Dh it's not your party, you are invited and welcome it's your decision"

this has to be a creative writing exercise. I refuse to believe you chose to marry such a nasty miserly person, who is has a feud with your parents because they paid for his wedding.

Let alone expected his MIL to retire to be free childcare. OP you have to be joking, why would choose to spend your life with someone who thinks so little of your family (who i assume you don't hate).

I don't blame your parents i wouldn't have anything to do with him. Wouldn't even let him cross the threshold.

I hope your parents either don't leave a single penny or give it directly to the grandchildren.

I am honestly amazed that your H can stand up & walk because that boulder sized chip on his shoulder must be pressing him down flat.
How's the rest of your relationship? Is he loving and giving within your marriage & family 'unit'? What are his parents like and do you have a good relationship like with them? What are Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays like?
I'm just interested to know the above because a lot of replies are recommending leaving but.....something must have kept you there?

Does your husband not like your parents spending money as he already is counting his inheritance! So sorry OP that you have put up with this. It must be really hard reading all these replies. Be kind to yourself. This man has been abusive in a very subtle way. If he loved you truly then he would support you with your parents after all they made you the person you are. All this over a wedding which happened 20 years ago. Take care of yourself and your children.

I agree with most posters, let him boycott his son’s party if he wants to and don‘t give it a seconds thought. If you are living your own life happily, if he doesn’t stop you doing whatever you want socially, then its just himself he is making miserable.

Perhaps you don’t want to leave him, perhaps he has you in seventh heaven every night.

I say let him cut himself off from happiness with his family if he wants to, but don’t expect anyone else to shrink their own life to suit his miserly ways.

I’m glad you had the wedding you wanted, I’m glad your dad had his birthday the way he wanted, your son should have the big, joyous birthday he deserves. Your husband can sit at home at home in the dark, in front of a one bar fire, with a margarine sandwich for his own birthday if that’s what he wants.

Surely you let your son decide what he would like to do for his 18th birthday?

You really have lived a half life with this man. It seems such a sad waste of a life and opportunities all because of his insecurities and misplaced inverted snobbery. Think of everything you have missed out on to date. Do you really want to continue missing out on things as you get older?

I'm sorry but he sounds joyless. You just don't have compatible values at all.

I wouldn't invite someone to my 75th birthday who wouldn't let me in their house! I don't think that was unreasonable of the OP's parents. Never mind all the added shit of him thinking he was owed an opinion on the venue. They knew if he came he's sit there being huffy and spoil the night. Why would he even want to go if he hates them so much?

Your DH is a bully and a man-child.

No wonder your parents don't like him - would you want a daughter of yours to end up with a controlling arse for a husband?!

He sounds awfully bitter. You only have a 'quiet' life now because you're cowed to him and pandered to his tantrums.

How sad and pathetic that he is is prepared to cause such strife over his son's 18th. A good parent is prepared to put their discomfort aside to do what's best for the child.

He tried to make your Dad's 75th about him and now he's doing the same with his own son's 18th.

Sorry OP, but he's an arsehole.

Absolutely this 👆🏼

Oh my goodness gracious giddy aunt for the love of life, happiness and all that is holy, leave this bastard. __

Ive met people like your husband - Prolier than thou.
I am amazed youve allowed him to treat you and your parents so rudely over the years

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on.

Well that's clearly not going to happen, is it? And you admit you've been happier in your marriage since your DH went NC with your parents, so there is no need to argue over them any more. Your son could easily have two parties, or just do something with his friends, and no need for extended family to be involved. Why poke the hornet's nest and risk a bad atomosphere for everyone?

Does your husband have a problem with getting on with people in life generally, or is it just your parents he has such a withering opinion of?

I’d say he just took the easy option of just inviting his DD’s rather than having to face the drama of OP’s DH either being the only one excluded or making a huge fuss about the venue.

Your parents sound like nice, normal people. Your husband sounds bloody awful. I couldn’t live like that.

@Busybeemumm in the OP's parents' case I would probably rewrite my will and leave my money directly to my grandchildren in trust (on her side) so that this abusive toad would not get his hands on it.

Your husband sounds like a miserable sod. Unless you’re strapped for cash and struggling to keep a roof over your head, life is too short to not explored the world, have fun and make memories.

Your husband sounds really unpleasant. Do you actually want to stay married to him? I couldn't live with someone like this.

HNRTFT.Crikey ,if my daughter was with someone like your husband I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night!

Your DH sounds like an absolute c*nt.