Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 30/04/2024 10:24

@eveningqueen456 is your DH a miser? Does he delight in not spending money?

I have to say I find this a really unattractive quality.

It also sounds like he has a huge chip on his shoulder about 'posh' things / people - again hugely unattractive. People should just be accepting of other people, as long as they are not abusive.

Did he have an extremely poor upbringing?

Your DH is the problem. FFS - a brewers fayre 🙄

Yalta · 30/04/2024 10:24

Why are you married to this controlling life limiting person who has you check everything you say in case someone has spent a bit more than necessary on something they will get enjoyment out of and shown themselves to be a snob. (Is he stuck in the 1970s)

Does he realise he wasn’t invited to your dads birthday because of his attitude to money and even if it had been at a Brewers Fayre he would have complained anyway and that his attitude to money impacted other relatives in the family who also didn’t get an invite.

I think you need to pull the sticking plaster off and stop keeping yourself in check on what you say or who you talk about

People go to nice restaurants because they like the food, the atmosphere, to be served food rather than having to make it or fetch it themselves. Not because they are snobs and want to show off what money they have.

When he talks of run of the mill people what he is describing is people with no ambition.

Get evidence of all the savings he has then divorce him and take your half.

This guy shows no redeeming qualities
The only reason you were in a better place with your marriage was because you were adhering to his demands.

Live your life and throw big parties. Eat out and enjoy yourself.

If your dh wants to be the richest man in the graveyard then that is up to him
Please don’t let him drag you down as well.

There is a difference between being frugal and being mean.

Your dh is mean and also controlling

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 30/04/2024 10:26

I don't get the objection to the OP's parents going out for an expensive lunch and only inviting their two daughters. It was a 75th birthday, not a big landmark birthday with the expected family party. They haven't 'excluded' their grandchildren as such, they've just chosen not to host a large lunch out.

They might have struggled to pay for the entire family to eat somewhere fancy, but really couldn't get excited at the thought of a bog standard Brewer's Fayre type lunch, which incidentally isn't cheap at all when you are paying for two or three courses for 8 or 10 people.

saraclara · 30/04/2024 10:28

Noyokymum · 30/04/2024 10:18

HNRTFT.Crikey ,if my daughter was with someone like your husband I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night!

Yep. That, as the parent of adult daughters, is where my instinctive empathy lies, along, of course, with imagining what this 18 year old has grown up with for him to have to worry about his own dad refusing to come to his family 18th.

OP, please let your parents at least die happy, knowing that you've left this person.

Scottishskifun · 30/04/2024 10:33

It's ironic that your DH doesn't like your parents for what he sees as snobby behaviour when his actions are screaming inverted snobbery from restaurants to his whole behaviour of judging your parents then expecting free childcare!!!

In mumsnet fashion you have a DH problem. Simply put call him out on his own inverted snobby behaviour, tell him he can either suck it up for a day or get out!

diamondpony80 · 30/04/2024 10:35

I honestly don't think I could stay with a man who showed such contempt for my parents. It would make a very unhappy marriage.

KreedKafer · 30/04/2024 10:36

Why on earth are you still married to this awful man?

I feel so, so sorry for your parents. They have done absolutely nothing wrong and he is a massive arsehole.

EnglishBluebell · 30/04/2024 10:41

Your DH is a controlling, abusive arsehole. He sounds incredibly child-like as well

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/04/2024 10:42

So in short your DH won't allow your 80 yro parents attend his sons birthday party because he thinks they spend too much on stuff he doesn't value?

So if they die and you inherit a sum of money, he'll presumably have strong opinions on how you or your children spend that money if they inherit directly.

For some reason you've put up with this for 20 yrs. Anyone would think your parents were the abusive sort. That's just an insanely large chip on his shoulder.

Sparticle · 30/04/2024 10:43

@saraclara That's such a good point about OP's poor son. He's 17, wants to get excited about celebrating his upcoming big birthday and the stress and sadness he must feel because of his Dad's behaviour is dreadful.

Starlight330 · 30/04/2024 10:44

I haven't much to say on this one as his behaviour is deplorable. People who hold needless grudges against others, especially members of family who are willing to forgive and forget need to take a hard look at themselves. The ill feelings they spread around tends to have a snowball effect on thouse around them but sadly they often don't care.

Brefugee · 30/04/2024 10:53

your DH has the impression he is in charge of who people invite to their birthdays. Your lovely dad missing out on having his daughters' partners and grandchildren at his 75th birthday just to stop your DH ruining it? And now your DH wants to effectively ban your DS from having his grandparents at his 18th? both of those things are perfectly normal and as a non-main-prerson in those events your DH needs to STFU and behave.

TBH i would have ended this years ago. Either by making him behave or stfu or by leaving him.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/04/2024 11:03

Brefugee · 30/04/2024 10:53

your DH has the impression he is in charge of who people invite to their birthdays. Your lovely dad missing out on having his daughters' partners and grandchildren at his 75th birthday just to stop your DH ruining it? And now your DH wants to effectively ban your DS from having his grandparents at his 18th? both of those things are perfectly normal and as a non-main-prerson in those events your DH needs to STFU and behave.

TBH i would have ended this years ago. Either by making him behave or stfu or by leaving him.

This.

@eveningqueen456 Your entire family needs to stop pandering to your husband.

Frankly I would have nipped this in the bud years ago.

You should have said to your dad, before his 75th birthday, "We will all go and celebrate your birthday wherever you like. Invite the whole family. My misery guts of a husband can stay at home eating fucking beans on toast. The rest of us will come and celebrate with you and have a lovely time."

The very least you can do, now, for your son, is to say he can celebrate his 18th birthday however he likes, and whilst you can't guarantee his father will attend, you will at least do everything in your power to stop him from spoiling things.

Do not let your family miss out on another nice family event because of your dickhead of a husband.

Make it clear, starting today, that you are fed up with him spoiling everyone else's fun and you are all going to enjoy yourselves without him from now on.

And separately, do some soul searching and ask yourself whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Life is both too long and too short to stay with someone who sucks all the fun and happiness out of everything. You could be single, living life on your own terms, or maybe even with another man who isn't a total tightwad and actually knows how to enjoy life.

Lavender14 · 30/04/2024 11:11

Op, your husband is a dick. That's no better than someone very wealthy looking down their nose at someone who isn't as well off..

Truthfully op I'm amazed you let him away with this and tolerated it - how is it for him to decide where and how your dad celebrates his birthday? It sounds like you're a bit of a people pleaser and your dh is really controlling.

I think you need to sit him down and say it's enough.. he doesn't get to dictate like this and he needs to address where the chip on his shoulder is coming from and that he needs to do it for you and your children because you should be his priority and his attitude is unfair to all of you.

I couldn't stick someone like this any more than I could stick someone being snobby in the other way. Does he control your life in other ways and isolate you from people in other ways? I feel really sorry for your parents.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/04/2024 11:12

What a whelk...can't begin to think why you're still with him. Sounds like he's sucked the joy out of living. Supposedly if your mum had taken on the childcare mantle FOC he would have a different mindset to your family. Enjoy the birthday without him if that's the way your son wants to go.

oakleaffy · 30/04/2024 11:15

Your husband is a tight~arse.

WHY should your mum have given top work to look after YOUR children?!
He's so unreasonable.

I hope your son does invite his grandparents.

BET your husband won't say no to a lovely inheritance left by your parents.
@eveningqueen456 .....

ChangeAgain2 · 30/04/2024 11:17

Your DH is a stingy, joy sucking bully. He needs to get over himself. He doesn't talk to your parents because your dad had and paid for a his own birthday dinner party in a restaurant that your DH doesn't approve of. He doesn't get to dictate how others live their lives.

You need to nip this shit in the bud. Your parents aren't making ultimatums he is. Now it's your son's graduation. Then it will be his 21 birthday. His engagement. His wedding. His baby being born. His kids birthdays. He needs to learn to coexist. He can't get on with your parents for a few hours. It's ridiculous.

I can't fathom a relationship where I couldn't talk about my parents. What if they are sick, one went into a home or died? You'd be all alone. That's not partnership.

Honestly, he's a gigantic prick.

DriftingDora · 30/04/2024 11:19

Oh gawd, your husband sounds a total joy to be around - what some women will put up with! Selfish, tight-fisted, miserable bastard he sounds and how have you tolerated him for 20 years and had two kids with him? OK, I'm sure your parents have faults, but bloody hell, there's a strong argument here for a new patio in the back garden😏 As other posters have mentioned, I bet his dislike of your parents wouldn't stop him spending any money they leave you. Seriously, what do you get from this man who takes the joy out of living?

Rec0veringAcademic · 30/04/2024 11:20

This was very upsetting to read. OP, I'm guessing you married very young and have been heavily conditioned into acquiescence by this awful man you married?

Now that your kids are approaching adulthood, please do give serious thought to leaving him. He will make your middle aged and elderly years an absolute misery. And you will regret every second you did not spend with your lovely parents once they are gone.

Feelinadequate23 · 30/04/2024 11:27

OP I genuinely don't know how you've coped with this horrendous judgey, unkind, impolite snob of a husband for all these years. Anyone who spoke badly to my parents would be out on their ear without a second thought!

Why on earth would you let him treat your parents like this?! Your son is 18 now, so no need to continue to cling on to this pathetic excuse of a man to prevent your children growing up in a split home (although that would have been better, by the sounds of it). Get rid and start enjoying what little time you have left with your parents.

TheGoddessFrigg · 30/04/2024 11:29

Oh OP, my greatest regret is that I was going out with someone so very similar to this when my father died. I found out later that my dad was really worried about me and how I was being treated.

Your lovely parents will die and you will so regret all the time and energy you spent on Mr TightFisted C*..... While he will probably be busy diverting their inheritance into his bank account

Rightsraptor · 30/04/2024 11:30

What on God's green earth has your parents' lifestyle got to do with your husband? I'm sitting here open mouthed at his behaviour.

He is totally unreasonable and I suspect you are avoiding acknowledging his pernicious behaviour because it'll be too uncomfortable to know what a grade A arsehole you married. What you can do, I have no idea, but he is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Icanseethebeach · 30/04/2024 11:32

OP I’m really hoping you’re troll because if this is actually your life then it’s very sad.

qazxc · 30/04/2024 11:33

Are you unreasonable for wanting your DH to act civilly at DS's birthday party? No.
But he isn't going to do this. Best to go ahead and have the party without him.

LannieDuck · 30/04/2024 11:38

"When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare"

Why would he expect someone else to give up work to look after his kids? If he doesn't want to spend on childcare, HE should give up HIS work to look after them. Oh, of course... it's because she's a woman and women only have jobs until the childcare needs doing.