Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

This is not normal family life. I'm feeling really sad for you and your children. What is his relationship like with his own parents and your relationship like with them? Maybe he grew up in real poverty or feels jealous of your upbringing and has low self esteem. Whatever the reasons, whatever he is still processing, its affecting your children. What happens if they want to spend money and go to nice places? They have missed out on so much. Please take them away abroad, let your husband stay at home counting pennies. Better still make a life for yourself and your children without him. You still have plenty life ahead of you and you can't have this ball and chain to drag you down.

Was it not more because they knew the joy thief would moan if they went somewhere fancy and took the GC as well so they just went somewhere with their children and excluded everyone else to not give him the chance to bitch about it?

WTF - how have you even lived with this man for this long - he sounds rude, disrespectful and your children are seeing all of this?! Fuck me - women put up with the absolute shittest men sometimes. I hope you are OK op - i do feel really and for you, if my husband ever did that to me - i would leave him.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole and a right misery guts, OP.

Do you actually love him?

He sounds like he sucks the joy out of life. Urgh. Have an amazing party without him. It’s not about him!

Off topic, but surely if a young person wants an 18th birthday party then it's for their friends, not a bunch of rellies. I would have been mortified if any parents or grandparents had shown up at my 18th (fortunately, they didn't!).

More likely that they didn't want to upset their other daughter as they probably get on ok with their other son in law. They made the best decision knowing how the OPs husband would be creating a bad atmosphere. I feel sorry for OPs sister actually that her husband and kids also missed out and are affected by OPs husband. What does your sister think of him OP?

Your husband has done a PROPER job on you. Alienating your parents for wanting to give you a nice wedding. Then getting even worse when they refused to accommodate his cheap crap ideas for THEIR OWN party. And people don’t spend money “to show off” in most normal lives, they spend their own money to enjoy themselves, treat family and friends and have experiences which create good memories.

Honestly I think you need to get rid of him and start being allowed to enjoy your life and spend time with your parents without being made to feel guilty. Have the big party for your DC. Buy some real champagne. Invite your parents. Don’t let his narcissistic misery spoil their lives too.

They aren't going to get on, so forget it and organise your separate parties as happily as you can. Two parties for DS. Fine.

I don't like the sound of your husband. After the parties are done, think about if you want this for the rest of your life.

eta: Just wondering - will he be offended if you inherit from them? Or will he think he should take control of any funds you have, to manage them 'properly'?

Are you likely to inherit one day OP? What will your DH do then, refuse to accept any inheritance benefiting him in any way as it’s showing off!
He sounds incredibly hard work, and I think I’d be inclined to spend as much time as possible with my parents as who knows how much time you’ve left with them. This must be difficult for your DC too, what a misery he is!

Well yes it seems the parents knew the husband would baulk at the cost (which isn't unacceptable of him? If you're inviting people to your birthday celebration, and expecting them to pay their own way, isn't it polite to consider the cost to them?).
The OP would need to clarify, but it sounds like she paid for herself at this birthday meal (I've never gone for a meal with my Dad and paid, he wouldn't hear of it. And hell would freeze over before he'd exclude my daughter or my niece!). The OP has made clear her parents are flush, they could very easily have shouted their family a meal.

Many round here have an 18th with their mates (usually clubbing as they can now get in!). Then a little famiky party ours is in the garden just extended family both sets GPs and aunts uncles and cousins. V sweet. Dd asked for this.

YANBU, however I have little sympathy for you as you married this man and stayed with this man and allowed him to act like this. Why are you with him?! He sounds bitter, petty and selfish. Making his own son choose between him and his grandparents, that's is disgusting behaviour and shows he only cares about himself and will always put himself first before his family.

Your son won't have been oblivious to what has gone on over the years, so if he wants to invite his grandparents to his party, knowing how his dad feels about it, that tells you something and you should support him.
Let your son have the celebration he wants, with whoever he wants and if your DH chooses to sit at home, stewing in his own juice, let him. I suspect everyone will have a better time without him glowering in the corner, counting the cost of every drink and bowl of crisps.

Is this twat banking on your parents inheritance hence he hates them spending? They sound great fun and that's what life is for. Enjoying yourself. They can't take their money to the grave. He sounds grim.

@eveningqueen456 what does your son want to do.

If your son gets married is he going to fall out over that?

I'd certainly have one party. I suggest that you ask your parents if you can tag along on one of their holidays, get away from him and have some fun without him.

Your DH is a total wanker. Why should his joyless choices trump anyone else’s? And threatening to miss your son’s birthday is pathetic. I honestly couldn’t live with such a control freak that sucks the joy out of life.

LTB for suggesting eating in a Brewers Fayre.

I think your DH is being ridiculous. Do you see his family? Because if my DH refused to see or socialise with mine then I would treat his family exactly the same.

All

of

this

I think you have a point.

I've read both of the OP's posts, and she describes her husband as frugal (maybe they're on a tight budget?). He wouldn't be my cup of tea, but the hysteria about him being an abuser and a bully is quite something!

It's interesting too that most have decided that the OP's Dad excluding his grandson from his 75th birthday meal was entirely acceptable in order to keep the peace, but the OP's Dad being excluded in order to keep the peace is tantamount to murder! Maybe the husband is annoyed on his son's behalf? It's almost certain that there is more to the story than has been described. Personally I think @eveningqueen456 needs to let it go, and just accept that they don't get along.

Wow. You get the gold medal for your mental gymnastics there.

It might come as a shock to you but you are in an abusive relationship. It's mad you've put up with this for 20 years!

I think my post is probably only one of a few that hasn't required mental gymnastics! 😂

So he hasn't forgiven you or them for him not having the wedding he wanted?

Well tbh if he was that against it you would have found a compromise between the two extremes & paid yourselves.

The birthday meal is hard to understand.

If your dad had invited everyone would your husband have accepted?

Accepted & made the night miserable?

It's awful that other people missed out.