Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

I can see why your parents don't like him.

He's an abusive, controlling, manipulative fucker. Open your eyes.

Don’t try to spin this into something this isn’t. This is a thread about a controlling, resentful and ill-tempered husband.

Not a place to point out the - in this case completely imaginary - hypocrisy of mumsnet.

For 20 years your DPs have been worried about you being married to this selfish man.
You know that he is controlling and that you have allowed it to be this way by compromising but as @BlumminKids ** noted it is a poor example to be setting to your DC.

He sounds very selfish, given that he’s willing to put his needs above that of his children. He also sounds controlling, given that your relationship is only good when he’s getting his way and you’re being a compliant partner who does as she is told.

Your DH needs to grow up. You don't have to be best friends but that does not mean you have to be enemies. My Dh can't stand my parents (with very good reason we are very low contact) but when we see them he's polite and gets on with it

I can't believe you have put up with this for decades. I'd have left the first time a man told me who or what I could talk about in my own house.

You’re going to look back one day and really regret your decision to marry your DH, as you’ve been the one who’s spent half your life compromising your wishes to keep the peace.

In your shoes, I’d arrange a great party for DS and then make plans to divorce.

You won’t live forever so don’t waste your later years feeling sad and resentful when you’re still young and healthy enough to enjoy life.

He really needs to grow up, get into the 21st century and get over his obsession with snobs. There's nothing snobby about liking restaurants a bit more upmarket than Brewers' Fayre, Don't let him limit your children's lives with this nonsense.

Just wondering
Will your husband happily accept your inheritance ( if you get one ) to benefit him
like paying of mortgage / holidays house renovations

or will he say it’s yours I don’t want anything to do with the money

Also you say your begining to resent him now so if your close to parents when they pass away they are healthy and in there seventies at the moment but elderly people can go down hill fast .

in my eyes he’s an abusive controlling prick
who is only happy when he’s got his own way

Oh, I feel sad on your behalf Op, and sad for your son.

Your DH’s behaviour and attitude is just abominable. Who on earth made him the arbiter of people’s fun & spending?

As pp suggested, he will have his mitts out for any inheritance, should some ever come your way.

Please, take your children and leave him.

Imagine how relieved your parents would be if you left him.
Imagine how long they've bitten their tongue so as not to interfere

this!

I voted YABU because nothing, and I mean NOTHING would make me stay with the man you describe in your OP.

How you went on to have children with this utter turn off is baffling.

Your parents might not be around for much longer. Personally, I would divorce the miserable prick and spend plenty of time with them.

He sounds absolutely fucking awful. Nasty too.

You sound like such different people. He sounds miserable and like he resents anyone actually being happy.
You a clearly a well likes person, have a good social circle, enjoy life.

You wanted a big wedding and your parents paid for it. He didn't want to celebrate his marriage.

He actually thought another person would quit their job to look after his kids for him for free? Now that's fucking snobby. And someone he doesn't even treat kindly at that.

Now he's trying to make your children choose between him and their grandparents too, and I imagine they too aren't allowed to talk about their grandparents infront of him?

Have you thought about the future when your parents do succumb to their age, need care, you're upset becuase they're ill and dying, and then they die. And you're not allowed to talk to him about how heartbroken you are. Your own husband refuses to go to their funeral. Bet he'll be more than happy to start spending the inheritance though won't he!

Get rid of him, it doesn't sound like he brings any joy to your life and he is going to make the last years of your parents life so difficult, you will never give up that guilt and resentment once they're gone. And if you don't, at least talk to your parents about passing you over in their will, so your children inherit from them instead of you and your husband.

So sorry you have had to sacrifice your own happiness for a sulky tight arse of a dh. You're caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can work it out for your son's sake

Oh ffs. Your husband is not this special that he is worth upsetting your parents or your son. Don't be that parent that placates your husband by shitting on your son. Because believe me, this is a defining moment and if you do not choose your son this time you will lose him when he's old enough to move out. He will never forget this.

Inverse snobbery is utterly tiresome. I couldn't live with someone like that. And as for the miserly behaviour, there are no pockets in a shroud

I’m absolutely stunned that you have put up with his abysmal selfish behaviour for 20 years 😱 Is this the life you want to lead for the rest of your life - no holiday abroad, no trips to a fancy restaurant for your birthday, no stress free family gatherings, no nice treats for your children or yourself. Sounds like such a waste of a life.

You husband sounds awful, and tight!

I've no idea why you've put up with him so long op - he's being ridiculous and miserly

Your poor son as well being put in this situation after a lifetime of not having anything other than that which your miser of a husband seems necessary.

Leave him and get a bit of joy back in your life and watch your relationship in the time you have left with your parents flourish.

Gosh @eveningqueen456 it sounds like my ex has a twin and you’ve had the misfortune to marry him. My mother was widowed in her early 60’s and being sociable and outgoing lived a very happy life, many friends, holidays etc and loved to take us out for nice meals, and in her late 80’s early 90’s this was really all she felt she could do to treat us. Ex hated this, his idea of a treat was a cup of tea at McDonalds, and he always sucked the joy from any days out with his horrible tightness.

Come the divorce and in all seriousness, he wanted my future inheritance taken into account. Was most put out when it was pointed out it was entirely up to my mother who her money was left to etc, and now at 98 (still remarkably well) it looks like her very lovely care home will be taking most of it anyway.

One thing I can say, life seven years on from our separation is soooo much better in every way.

He excluded his grandkids from his birthday meal though. Am I the only one reading between the lines (that the parents sound neither 'lovely' nor 'generous'?).

As others have said, you're in an abusive relationship. Is this really the life you want OP? Your entire future, and that of your kids, having its joy sucked out of it by this horrible, horrible man?

Wedding and birthday aside, I come from the perspective of when partner's and parents don't get on (yours don't seem toxic, whereas mine were and are now not in contact).

My parent's hated my OH for no other reason other than he comes from a 'questionable' family (far from the truth as both families had similar issues/environments/working) and how my OH wasn't like them. My family were the one's with the initial issue and out of defence for their son, inlaws were as vocal about them BUT were cautious around me as knew I was caught in the middle. Inlaws contributed towards wedding (as did for the other siblings!) whilst mine got upset that they weren't asked 🤔 like I would ever ASK for a contribution. Wedding stuff happens and whilst inlaws tried to brave it out, mine acted appallingly and made a show of leaving early. The only one hurt, was me. My OH too, caught the brunt and after the whole parental relationship broke down, HE said that whilst he'd accept me having a relationship with my parents, he wouldn't be comfortable with our children being involved. He encouraged me to keep a relationship, it was ME that said no. The way my OH was treated was a factor in that and I didn't want my children exposed to my parent's hateful attitude (this kinda rings of your OH, sharing his dislike and influencing his son's event). I don't much like some family members and have had conflict in the past with some (irrelevant to this case) but if it mattered to my children to have certain members there, I'd grit my teeth and put on a show whilst avoiding unnecessary contact with said members.

Your OH is choosing to sever that tie (entitled, can't get on with everyone) and you've supported that. But that's where it should end - he has no tie to your parents but he DOES have a tie to his children and his children's needs trump his. It's a party, he can remain with those he chooses and avoid those he doesn't- its called being an adult. Heck, he could remain in the flippin kitchen out the back if he really wants to avoid sharing air space. Having separate party's may placate HIM, but is a ridiculous overspend (and dismissive to your son whom has his own vision) because he can't grimace one occasion. Whilst I don't think he should necessarily let the feud go, he should be civil for his son's party.

I wonder though - his attitude does give vibes of resentment, and you too? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but I can't envision I'd feel great at having my view of fun as 'snobby' and having to stick to caravan holidays when I quite fancy a holiday abroad 🤔 that sounds tough. You've been piggy in the middle for 20+ years, that's got to have some effect on how ypu act/talk around him 😕 what if there's a health condition or trauma you need to air with someone close (OH??!) are you meant you hold that upset in so HE feels supported in this feud 🤔