Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

How awful that your DH has been causing all of this upset for 20years!!! He is tight fisted and mean spirited, it is not up to him how your parents live or how they spend their money. You should have never been put in this position in the first place, or your children, and of course your DS should be able to invite his grandparents to his 18th. I would be divorced by now.

I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣

I bet he didn’t! Tight-fisted arse.

Sorry OP, you married a wanker. A shameless misery-making curmudgeon who sounds like he has been a miserable old bastard his entire adult life. Are his parents equally as fun to be around? Bloody hell.

Dear Lord OP, think ahead! Can you imagine sharing your retirement and old age with this miserable git? Get out while the goings good.

Your Husband is right, life is too short. It is too short to be in such an awful marriage. He is a bully and i feel so sad for you, your children and your aging parents. Please don't waste another moment of your life with this awful man who doesn't care about you at all.

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever read on MN. What a miserable, killjoy bastard! Why on earth are you with him? If you don't leave him soon you will find that life has passed you by with nothing a but a series of caravan trips behind you and that your elderly parents will have passed away after years of shoddy treatment.

Part of marrying someone is joining your spouse's family. There can be teething problems, you might not have voluntarily chosen to have spent time with them under other circumstances or you might love them all instantly. In any event it takes work and if you love your spouse then you work on your relationship with your in-laws. He has basically treated them terribly (and you also) for in excess of twenty years because of the chips he holds on his shoulders.

Leave him!

@eveningqueen456 one day your son may have his own partner and children. What will your husband do if they book a holiday abroad or save up for a Disneyland holiday. Will he refuse to see them again.

I tell you what your husband hasn't come up against a daughter in law yet.

"I am my own person and I do what I want regardless". (Really??????????)

Just read through all the updates. What a deluded muppet OP is!

OP has almost definitely not done what she want's regardless, because I believe she was a doormat who has excluded her parents from her life for the past 5 years because husband is angry and sulking!!!

I really think OP should read up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Basically you need water, food, shelter to survive.

We all work to put our basic security for our family in place. That is rule no.1

Once we sort that, other elements come into play, like goals or enjoyment.

You might want longterm financial security, to own your home, to be a millionaire, to be accepted on a graduation programme, to be promoted at work, to gain more qualifications, to gain experience.

Or you might decide life is short. You want amazing experiences like seeing the pyramids, or sky-diving, or spend 2 weeks on an all-inclusive holiday in the sun abroad, or go for beauty treatments, or be at a concert or play.

We all value things differently.

But I would suggest DH has very little education and very few qualifications. He's stubborn and narrow. He has no flex or empathy for others. He's very insecure - and if people do not agree with him, he feels threatened.

There's nothing wrong with wanting financial security foremost. There's nothing wrong with experiencing and enjoying and making the most of our short lives and putting our extra cash towards restaurants and holidays and fun.

What is fundamentally flawed is not being able to accept people who have a different value set.

If you've dreamed of swimming with dolphins - is it worth spending thousands to do it? Yes. For those who think it will be an incredible bucket-list before-I-die experience.

If you've dreamed of owning your own home - is it worth spending 5 years without new clothes, holidays, or a social life? Yes, because that financial sacrifice and never frittering money can offer financial security.

You have the right to make those decisions for yourself.

You do not have the right to hate people who disagree with you and choose other paths. That is very immature and ignorant and spiteful and petty.

This is a prime example of why there is a peak in divorce rates in the over 50s. Don't worry about retirement. You are probably going to be able to retire quite comfortably because you more than likely will inherit from your parents. Do you really want him to share it knowing how he felt about their money when alive?
I can only imagine what your family think of him.
Out of interest how does he feel about higher education does he want your children to do well in life and have they taken on his views as their own?

As to his go to “life’s too short phrase” YES it bloody well is!!!

How long do you think your parents have left on this planet? They’ve got the right idea enjoying their time here and spending their own money how they want to. How dare he judge them and be so openly disgusted by them, trying to emotionally blackmail you into despising them the same way he does. How have you stayed married to him for so long?! Never being able to MENTION them in his presence?!! Who the hell does he think he is? What happens when one gets ill or dies? Will you be allowed to utter their names then? Will he refuse to attend their funerals? If God forbid something happened to you would he bar them from yours or refuse to go if they were in attendance? He sounds God awful.

Think about how you feel spending the last remaining years of their lives with this dark grey cloud of a sad sack husband looming over you all in the background, resenting you for wanting to spend time with your own parents. It’s down to jealousy. You will look back and deeply regret him making you choose and not seeing them as much as you wish or inviting them to your family celebrations wjile you had the chance - it sounds horrendous.

He is insecure and has a MASSIVE chip on his shoulder that is neither yours nor your parents fault. Why the hell did he marry you if he detests your family’s background so much? To show that someone like him could marry their daughter? I’m sure he cares for you in his ‘way’, but obviously not enough to do the one thing you’d want most over the years - to be a decent human being and put your feelings first, even occasionally. What do your kids think? He’s going to wind up a lonely sad old(er) man who none of his family want to visit bc he’s so bitter and toxic. Deserved.

As for him gloating/threatening that he’ll be able to retire long before you - do you have joint finances or is it a case of what’s his is HIS and you’re on your own.

He sounds an utter prick delight.

they live 60 miles away so they weren't an option for child care for us

I think he should be more upset with his parents. If they actually cared about him and the grandchildren they should have moved. In fact he should have demanded they moved /s

Have you posted about him before? Reminds me of a thread about someone’s husband declaring that “life is too short” to tolerate people he doesn’t like. It, too, was a very depressing read.

This is no way to live. You know that really.

You are probably going to be able to retire quite comfortably because you more than likely will inherit from your parents. Do you really want him to share it knowing how he felt about their money when alive?

**Excellent point @gruberandassocs

Out of interest how does he feel about higher education does he want your children to do well in life and have they taken on his views as their own?

I was wondering about this too

This. Not cool at all, he sounds very controlling - tell him to get over himself.

Take my advice and get rid of him too!

Stingy and boring - not the best qualities

OP hasnt asked for advice on leaving her husband. She says she's ok as shes her own person and spends her money as she likes. & she likes her husband - she's said so. Im bemused as to why this is a 'leave him!' thread. Given that when her parents pass then OP's husband is going to also benefit from their money despite hating them it seems to me OP is as bad as he is, only in a different way. Bearing in mind their DS has to listen to open hatred of his grandparents and can't even invite them to his 18th, which cant be pleasant for him, all in all OP being her own person able to spend as she likes sounds a bit trite doesn't it.

Hopefully the parents have their heads screwed on and will skip a generation so only the grandchildren will inherit, I wouldn’t imagine they would like this awful man to get their money whilst dancing on their graves.

So anyone different than him is to be hated? Life is too short to be so miserly.

This is boiled frog syndrome. It started as seeming down to earth, now 20 years later it means you can’t go to a restaurant, can’t celebrate a birthday.

Your background doesn’t exactly sound like Saltburn. I think he’d struggle to find a woman who family didn’t go to a restaurant on occasion.

How is he with the kids? Like what happens if they wanted to try something he considered ‘posh stuff’ eg tennis?

I think you've missed the point. Why would she stay with him? He brings nothing.

OP please please don’t let your DH spoil your relationship with your parents. Once they’re gone you’ll miss them terribly and be full of regrets and it will be too late. They must be so sad when they see the life you’re living with him, I know I would be.

For goodness sake set yourself and your children free from this chippy bastard.

@Acornsoup
DeeCeeCherry

OP hasnt asked for advice on leaving her husband. She says she's ok as shes her own person and spends her money as she likes. & she likes her husband - she's said so. Im bemused as to why this is a 'leave him!' thread. Given that when her parents pass then OP's husband is going to also benefit from their money despite hating them it seems to me OP is as bad as he is, only in a different way. Bearing in mind their DS has to listen to open hatred of his grandparents and can't even invite them to his 18th, which cant be pleasant for him, all in all OP being her own person able to spend as she likes sounds a bit trite doesn't it.

I think you've missed the point. Why would she stay with him? He brings nothing.

I think @DeeCeeCherry has listened to OP and has nailed it - she hasn't missed the point at all!
OP didn't ask for any advice on whether she should leave or not

I hope you have said to him at some point in the last 20 years that he can't take his money with him?

Expecting your parents to give up work to look after your children is just madness. My paternal grandmother was only in her early 40s when my older brother was born...she worked for another 30 years. I doubt my parents ever even had the thought that she should be providing childcare...

He accuses your parents of being snobs, however he sounds like an inverse one to me. I'd seriously be thinking about your future with this man. I think your retirement years would be very miserable with him. He's also setting a terrible example to your children.

Life is too short to spend with someone who hates your family and makes life difficult for you. He sounds unhinged. Who hates people to that extent “for their lifestyle choices” when they are not hurting anyone?? He could disagree with them - sure. But he’s making your life unnecessarily hard and showing a complete lack of respect for you as his wife. If he respected you he would make an effort because they are important to you.