Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

If you resent him now you will hate him once your parents are gone and you realise he has taken away the happiness of a family unit from them. This could be the last birthday they share with your son and he wants to take that away for his own cheap agenda. I couldn’t live with him.

Your husband sounds like a complete joy-sucking knob OP - how can you bear to be with him? And believe me, he will get worse as he gets older and you’ll be stuck with him getting more and more crotchety and gradually sucking the life out of you too. You deserve so much more, including a partner who loves you enough to accept your parents for who they are - two very normal people who are enjoying their lives while they still have the capacity to do so. Please bin him and get out whilst you still can.

I am my own person and I always do what I want regardless. I go out, see friends and spend money. He may not be happy with the way I live but he doesn't stop me. He makes me feel bad for it sometimes and makes out that I will never be able to retire whereas he will .
We just do our own thing really. I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!!
He doesn't need money to enjoy himself as he is very happy with his own company.

I think people are trying to point out the huge differences in your values and way of living.
It's not a problem if that's the way you want to live

But don't expect your DH to change for one (important) day.

And you don't need to ask on AIBU if you should expect any different. Or if you're unreasonable to expect anything different.

Because I think you know the answer already x

but he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with

@eveningqueen456 Life is too short to live the kind of joyless existence he wants to lead.
He sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder and resents anyone else having any kind of fun or enough money to enjoy themselves. He is controlling and unpleasant.

Ignore him and if your son wants a party let him have one.

So he may go on to hate your children too? If they have different priorities or interests to him. Or decline his offer of childcare... (because he's a judgemental, small minded, bore)

Do you think you could get him to agree to go to marriage counselling with you? His attitude seems to be that anyone who is not exactly like him is automatically worthless. Yet you are clearly not like him and apparently he likes you. Somehow he has managed to put aside his strong views and stay married to you. If you're not ready to leave him it might be worth a try.

I can’t believe you can’t even talk about your parents in front of him. What happens if one of your parents gets ill or when one of them dies? You will want to talk about them, share memories of times gone by etc and you won’t be able to do any of that with your DH which is quite frankly bat shit crazy! So what if they’ve got different values to him? The fact he can’t just be polite at social events for your sake speaks volumes and refusing to go to his own son’s birthday party if they are there is the height of childishness. He sounds extremely pig headed and intolerant of people he perceives as different to him. Have you ever sat him down and told him how all this makes you feel? Right now it seems like the only persons feelings he is thinking about are his own.

That's ridiculous. You don't have to like people just to be in the same room as them. There's people at work I don't really like but I'm always civil to them. It's your son's birthday he should invite them all and if your husband doesn't turn up then that's on him.

Also don't let your husband stop you from spending quality time with your parents, life is short and they won't be around forever.

Jesus he sounds an utter bore and miser, so utterly full of contempt and inverse snobbery.

Kick him out to go live in a grotty caravan on the edge of the road all by himself. He’s utterly ruining your lives. All of your lives. Those poor kids.

What if one of your children becomes hugely successful, will he cut them off too?

I wouldn’t wait until he retires, he will be 24/7 with this rubbish talk, and will just get worse.

I got rid of one of those over a year ago. Best thing ever. Worst thing is my new bf is terrible with money but better than before!!! Get rid

What if one of her children wants a nice wedding?

I bet the kids feel totally embarrassed by him and wish he could just be normal.

So you’re never allowed to take your dc (and yourself!) on a nice holiday or take them for a lovely meal for birthdays? He doesn’t agree with celebrating your ds’s 18th birthday?! He sounds unbearable. I couldn’t live with such a joyless person. I’d go. Tea and bloody cake for your wedding when your parents offered the champagne full deal? Is he that proud that was going to deprive you and your family/friends of that? Jeez, he sounds like he’s sucking the life out of you! I have no idea how you’ve tolerated this.

Why are you allowing this man to treat your parents like this? I wouldn't gave spent the last 20 years with him. He sounds controlling judgemental and damn right awful.

He needs to learn the phrase 'Live and let live'

I bet when (if) you leave him - and I hope you do - he's going to be really surprised

What do your children think of his attitude?

This! It's none of his business.
I would have got rid of this controlling idiot years ago.

I’d say your life is too short to spend another year married to such a miserable sod as your husband.

I can’t believe you have let him treat your parents the way he has for twenty years, I feel very sorry for them that their daughter has stood by and tolerated this behaviour for that length of time, you sound so passive and I struggle to understand how you have tolerated this, you have had a lot of sympathy on this thread but I don’t know why in all honesty, you have enabled his utterly appalling behaviour.

He's a joyless bastard and an extremely rude and narrow-minded POS. I certainly would not be letting him control my relationship with my parents!! Couldn't stick that.

Life is too short not to spend it with all the people you love. If he loved you, he would tolerate them.

I struggle to understand why you let him have his own way over this for so long! Why does he get to decide that your parents can’t come and visit you in your own home? Why does he get to be the immature idiot? Honestly, he sounds most unattractive but you seem to have rather enabled this impasse by not standing up more for what you want. Your almost-18 year old must have a skewed view of what’s acceptable in family life….

What does your son want to do for his birthday? I’d be guided by him and leave your twat of an H to do whatever he wants. And I’d be planning some big changes from now on …. ones that don’t accommodate your H’s immaturity, idiocy and intransigence.

Book the party… invite everyone…. Your DH is old enough to make his own mind up, but it’s a pretty poor show if he can’t be in a room FULL of other people to talk to just because your parents are there! Sounds pathetic!
Id tell him that he doesn’t need to acknowledge your parents, but needs to go!
I do hope your parents leave their inheritance to your children and not to you and DH! I wouldn’t want my SIL to see a penny of my money if he treated me like this!

If one of your parents would die, you’d obviously be very sad. Will he be able to comfort you? Or would your sadness be taboo too?

OP you sound so passive and ground down in your updates. Is he really who you want to spend the rest of his pennypinching life with?

I know you're not asking for advice on whether to leave or not but... leave.

I don't see this improving - he clearly thinks its acceptable to treat those he purports to love and care for, horribly badly, rather than just slap on a smile and be civil with people he doesn't 100% agree with/identify with.

It is only going to get worse as your kids want to do their own thing, live their own way, as your parents get older, as you get older.

I'd tell him 'life is too short to be a mean-minded petty little arsehole'.

I wonder if this is the reason he grumbles about their life style. He thinks the more they spend, the less there is to leave to their family?