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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 01/05/2024 19:03

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this

He won't leave you. There aren't many women who'd put up with him and he knows it. Even though you may assume he doesn't. Men like this need a victim no way do they want to go it alone in life. Your parents being around more = he'll tantrum more, thats all.

Nicole1111 · 01/05/2024 19:04

Evidently life is too short to do anything other than think about his own feelings and ignore his wife’s feelings and needs too.

StormingNorman · 01/05/2024 19:05

He’s a chippy little man OP. Miserable too. Cut him loose so you can enjoy the rest of your life.

shenandoahvalley · 01/05/2024 19:07

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

If you only do kind and compassionate things for people you like, that's not doing kind and compassionate things. That's "buying" people, cultivating them to affirm your world view.

Kindness is doing something for someone out of the goodness of your heart, no strings attached. It can't be conditional. Compassion is, by definition, extended to those who you have to first empathise with ie those who are different from you.

Your DH is neither kind nor compassionate. He's a narrow-minded, insecure, miserable and mean man.

VeryStressedMum · 01/05/2024 19:11

Do you find him kind to you (apart from making your life a misery over your family) is he kind and compassionate towards you is he affectionate does he take you out do you talk and spend time together?

LookingforMaryPoppins · 01/05/2024 19:13

OMG your poor parents, your husband sounds awful! What a miserable miser! Why on earth have you put up with this? Your parents won't be around for ever and your son doesn't get another 18th, have the party and guests your son wants! If your husband has a toddler tantrum and won't come that's his call and for him to live with!

Testina · 01/05/2024 19:18

“he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with”

He’s right. You are long overdue divorcing this utter joy sucker.

DisabledDemon · 01/05/2024 19:21

Your DH needs to grow up. Not only has he made your life with your parents awful but he is now going to inflict that on your son by making him choose between him and them. These are the actions of a playground bully.

Rachie1973 · 01/05/2024 19:28

eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 18:45

His "life is too short...." quote refers to the fact life is too short to spend time with people he doesn't like and my parents and actually most of my family are people he doesn't like.

However I do have an auntie (my dads sister) and she lives a couple of roads away and she has helped us out with the kids and lives quite a frugal life and never wants to be any trouble . DH does so much to help her. He takes her to hospital appointments, does her garden, and takes her shopping if I can't. He gets on really really well with her because they talk about how to live on a shoestring!!!! If my parents ask for any help with anything he refuses to help. The same with our neighbour he does his garden etc but if my dad asks H to help him move some furniture or look at his car DH will refuse and it makes it so hard for me but DH just sees it as me not seeing how horrible and stuck up they are. They may not always ask in the nicest way they are polite but auntie and neighbour will always be so overly polite with their words and I think this makes DH more willing to help them. Maybe both parties need to be a bit more in tune with each others feelings about each other, neither treat the other with respect really.

Respect is earned. I don’t see that your DH has in anyway earned the respect of your parents.

Seriously, if you can’t leave this twat, do it for your kids.

diddl · 01/05/2024 19:30

He can't separate the people from their actions can he?

What your parents & relatives spend really has fuck all to do with him & he doesn't seem to get that.

Or it's just excuses to not have to see them.

What says doesn't really (imo) make any sense.

How did you/he end up too far away from his parents for childcare if that would have been so great?

3luckystars · 01/05/2024 19:31

What do YOU think?? About parties, about restaurants about enjoying retirement, about enjoying the money you have worked for?

what do you actually think ???

pineapplesundae · 01/05/2024 19:33

Your husband, not dear husband, has had his way for the past twenty years, now it’s time for you to assert yourself. Talk about your parents all you want, plan the party your son wants, with his whole family, especially grandparents, and if husband doesn’t like it, too bad for him. This is the hill I would die on. If he threatens to leave you over your newfound freedom, consider yourself lucky.

Fluffmum · 01/05/2024 19:35

Omg get rid of your husband of your life is going to be even more miserable when your children leave home

Cooleswan · 01/05/2024 19:41

OP this is so sad, do you see yourself that his way is not "normal"? How does he treat you, do you get nice presents for birthday/Xmas, does he take you out for meals, to the theatre/cinema, do you ever have nice holidays?

TBH I'm picturing you as quite a meek and passive person - you haven't said whether you love him, if you resent his attitude towards your family, if you've ever rebelled against his meanness - financial and/or spiritual?

Do you know how your parents feel about him? If you were my daughter I'd hate his guts for not treating you like a queen. Do your kids just accept how he is, or do they comment on his stinginess? And you mention you having to work past 60 to afford for your kids to go to college, does that mean he won't be contributing to the cost of their education?

OP I'm married with adult kids. We don't have much money but we do share all expenses and try to save a bit, spend a bit. As others have said, you only get one go around in this life. If my DH had ever disrespected my parents I'd have dumped him, because eventually he'd have treated me the same.

I really think you should make plans to leave. Then you can celebrate all your family birthdays as you wish, and leave husband to stew in his own bitterness.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 01/05/2024 19:58

His "life is too short...." quote refers to the fact life is too short to spend time with people he doesn't like and my parents and actually most of my family are people he doesn't like.

this is so sad. He’s done a number on you to think that this is any way acceptable. You, your dc are part of this family that he despises. I couldn’t be with such a person.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/05/2024 20:01

OP hasnt asked for advice on leaving her husband. She's asked for advice on how to make him change for a 1 day occasion. Although he sounds indescribably mean in mind body and soul, it doesnt mean OP actually wants to leave him and in fact it seems she would be fine if he changed for this 1 day. They've been together for years. Threads get derailed when advice doesnt relate to the specific question. Not that I think there's a chance of him changing for a day, but still

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 20:01

@eveningqueen456
In all honesty I like nice things and I will need to work past 60 to afford these things and also to help kids through uni.

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this.

I think this is such a honest (and sad) recognition of the huge difference between you both.
You've been able to rub along so far, but now the differences in thinking and values is becoming more apparent.

OP, I wish you the very best of luck. Trying to decide whether to stay or go is so difficult after a life you've built together / if he leaves you it's such a blow after a life you've built together

(- or maybe it won't be! because you can finally live your life the way you want to live it 😊)

I wish you nothing but good for the future x

AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2024 20:04

eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 18:49

In all honesty I like nice things and I will need to work past 60 to afford these things and also to help kids through uni.

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this.

It sounds to me as if the thought of him ending the marriage doesn't exactly fill you with despair. So why wait for him to make that decision?

And don't be so sure he'll leave. Not having to see any of 'his' money go out of his grasp in a divorce settlement is going to be a powerful incentive to stay. Why lose any money when he can continue to bitch and make your life ever more miserable in the hopes that you cut off your family?

Seriously, what is keeping you there? Are you saying you'll have to work past 60 if you leave now in order to have nice things & help the kids but that if you stay you'll be able to do those things earlier? I mean, what makes you think he'll 'allow' you to retire at 60 if you stay. Seems to me he'll be the type to believe you should earn money until you drop. Personally, I'd rather work past 60 and be living according to my own rules in a little house in peace than sitting around a house being able to do nothing because it costs money and having to listen to him spew venom about people I love and their choices, ones I'd like to make for myself.

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 20:05

@eveningqueen456 My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

To be hones, no I don't think your DH is going to change for the sake of one day.

To be honest, yes I think he should get over it for the sake of one day, which is important to people he supposedly (??) loves

Original poster
eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 20:14

I am my own person and I always do what I want regardless. I go out, see friends and spend money. He may not be happy with the way I live but he doesn't stop me. He makes me feel bad for it sometimes and makes out that I will never be able to retire whereas he will .

We just do our own thing really. I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!!

He doesn't need money to enjoy himself as he is very happy with his own company.

OP posts:
Jumpers4goalposts · 01/05/2024 20:16

Your DH sounds like a very bitter t?@t get rid!

BustyLaRoux · 01/05/2024 20:17

I just can’t fathom being soooo judgemental of someone’s way of life that I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near them or to hear them being spoken about in front of me!!. I’m not talking a way of life which hurts others. But just their choice of how they want to live and want to spend (their own) money. It’s their choice. But he is so full of judgement that you’re not even allowed to mention their existence in front of him. He literally can’t even cope with a mention of them because he is so full of loathing. For what? Because they choose to live differently to him? You do see how nuts that is. These are his wife’s family. He even slags them off to his own children, saying how their lifestyle is selfish and he won’t grow old and be like them. That’s disgusting. They haven’t done anything wrong.

On the other hand he has done plenty wrong. He has taught your children this is acceptable. It isn’t. He had prevented his wife from uttering her parents’ names in front of him. Appalling behaviour. And he also judges and dislikes your sister. Again not because she has actually done anything wrong. But because she eats in restaurants. Like the rest of the population. What a heinous crime!!!!

I can’t understand why you’ve accepted this. Why are married to this joy sponge?

BlueFlowers5 · 01/05/2024 20:18

Forgive me OP, but have you thought of some psychotherapy for yourself, to help you deal with your DH and decide what to do?

When my DH said we would do no more visiting to my DParents, that for me was the last straw after my putting up with his demands and my trying to placate him over several years of him being difficult.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/05/2024 20:22

eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 20:14

I am my own person and I always do what I want regardless. I go out, see friends and spend money. He may not be happy with the way I live but he doesn't stop me. He makes me feel bad for it sometimes and makes out that I will never be able to retire whereas he will .

We just do our own thing really. I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!!

He doesn't need money to enjoy himself as he is very happy with his own company.

But what does he bring to your marriage?

He sounds like a flatmate who insults your family.

Wouldn't you be happier without him?

LookingforMaryPoppins · 01/05/2024 20:23

eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 20:14

I am my own person and I always do what I want regardless. I go out, see friends and spend money. He may not be happy with the way I live but he doesn't stop me. He makes me feel bad for it sometimes and makes out that I will never be able to retire whereas he will .

We just do our own thing really. I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!!

He doesn't need money to enjoy himself as he is very happy with his own company.

Retire and continue with his miserly ways! Appealing...... not 🤣

It really doesn't sound as though you have much (if anything) in common, I think you mistook being tight to being grounded.

Please don't let him influence what other members of the family do for their birthdays, it's none of his business.