Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Your dh sounds awful, fancy refusing to go to his ds 18th birthday because your dp will be there. How utterly childish.

In your shoes I'd say to your ds that he can invite both your dh and your dp and if dh won't attend that's his look out

You've been putting up with it for 20 years? Time to put your foot down.

And time for DH to grow up and stop acting like an immature dick.

You organise your son's 18th and YOU invite your parents and sister and BIL. You shouldn't put your teenage son in the middle of this. You're supposed to be the grown up.

If DH stomps off and misses his son's birthday because he's too busy sulking about not getting his own way, let him.

And also let him know that you're pleased he's enjoyed the last 5 years without your parents, but you intend to spend the next 5 years making the most of them while you still can.

So my budget of £5 a head for your DS's 18th was wildly over generous then? I just don't understand your DH's problem @eveningqueen456 , why is showing off by spending money such a sin. It's interesting that he'll be kind to people who share his values but your DPs are beyond redemption because they like to go to nice restaurants. It's a weird form of being controlling, I'll be nice if you conform to my beliefs.
I know that you're hurt but seem a long way from wanting to leave but I'd just like you to think about your future, your DPs will get old and need you more and your DH will NOT understand why you're helping them, once you're retired yourself he won't expect you to spend money seeing your friends, his idea of retirement will be you both looking after any DGC and, if you're lucky, a cup of tea and a bun at the Co-Op once a week. Your life could be so much more Op, once your DC are gone and it's just the two of you I think the cracks are really going to show

Please don’t let him stop your son from having a celebration.

more importantly, don’t let him stop your children from getting a good education. Somehow I can picture the man you describe discouraging his children from any education that costs money.

Your update paints your DH in much worse light if I'm honest. Grandparents aren't put on earth once they're done working to look after grandchildren, he's a fuckwit to think otherwise. Just because his parents were happy to do it for his sibling doesn't mean everyone has to follow suit. He's a narrow-minded mean spirited walloper. I'm surprised he hasn't sucked the life out of you by now OP. Do yourself a favour and tell him to either wise up or get to fuck. I'd rather shite in my hand and clap than be lumbered with this sad sack.

Having a party is not showing off its celebrating a significant milestone.

You seem to minimise his behaviour, he is the biggest inverted snob. People can spend their money on whatever they like and his expectations around childcare are ridiculous.

What's he going to do if your children chose to go to university, or if they get married and want a big party is he going to fall out with them too?!

Sorry but your enabling his behaviour by not calling him out on it and saying enough it's unacceptable.

With an attitude like his life will feel way, way, too long!!

And anyway, I thought the expression "Life's too short" meant.... Throw the party, Go on the holiday, Enjoy the swanky restaurant.... love is too short not to enjoy it!!!

Take yourself out of his mindset OP - How do you want to spend your money? Do you want to spend your life like this?

@eveningqueen456

I agree with PPs. Why are you staying in this miserable marriage? You sound so unhappy and so justifiably resentful You mention returning to work, so I assume you're still working. Do you have enough income to support yourself and your DC? I know one is turning 18, not sure how old the other is, but assuming they'd live with you? Would your parents take you and DC in until you get on your feet? Have you ever contemplated what life without him would be like? Remember as a married couple you are entitled to an equitable division of marital property, even if he's squirreled it away in his own name. I advise you to see a solicitor. Not to file for divorce, but to educate yourself as to what a divorce could mean for you. You might be pleasantly surprised. And even if not, at least you'll know where you stand.

Think about it seriously. Married 20 years I'm assuming you're in your 40s. Is this the way you want to live the next 40 years of your life? Married to a miser who hates, yes hates, people who refuse to do as he says or live the way he has decided is the only right way? Because I can guarantee you that his miserly ways and his hatred for your parents & any friends who 'cause you to spend money' is going to get worse and worse as he gets older. And at some point he'll turn his miserly ways on you and demand that you no longer do or spend anything that he has not 'approved of' or associate with people who don't toe his line. And then will come removing money away from your control.

Listen, I'm old and I've seen and done a lot in my lifetime. And I know that we only get one go round on this beautiful Earth of ours and life is too short to spend in unhappiness and living according to someone else's rules.

Do you have any money does he work or do you live on the breadline? Are you allowed to buy yourself anything like a dress?

What weird 'values' he has he doesn't like people for who they are but what they do or don't do for him and if they don't spend any money.

Or is it that he feels inferior in the company of people who are doing well.

All very strange and I have no idea how you've managed to enable this all these years.
What is it that you want to do now?

He hates your parents because they chose to live their lives the way they want. They chose to spend their money the way they want.

His life is too short to spend with people he doesn't like. It take a lot of people to make a world. He doesn't have to like them. He has to love you more than he hates them. He's a self centred, judgemental prick.

Your dh sounds horrible. He resents your dp for living a good life and not giving up their retirement to look after his dc. And what your ds does for his 18th should be his choice.

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

And are you ok with this? Has the self-centred twat bothered to ask how you would like to spend your retirement?

I’m not usually one for crying ltb but it must be miserable being married to a tight-fisted, sanctimonious knobber like this.

So sad for you OP. What is the point of life without some treats and fun?

I’d be thinking of a time when your lovely parents are no longer here and your kids have flown the nest. What will you do to pass the time together?

Christ, could he have a bigger chip on his shoulder? What a boring tightwad he is.

His "life is too short...." quote refers to the fact life is too short to spend time with people he doesn't like and my parents and actually most of my family are people he doesn't like.

However I do have an auntie (my dads sister) and she lives a couple of roads away and she has helped us out with the kids and lives quite a frugal life and never wants to be any trouble . DH does so much to help her. He takes her to hospital appointments, does her garden, and takes her shopping if I can't. He gets on really really well with her because they talk about how to live on a shoestring!!!! If my parents ask for any help with anything he refuses to help. The same with our neighbour he does his garden etc but if my dad asks H to help him move some furniture or look at his car DH will refuse and it makes it so hard for me but DH just sees it as me not seeing how horrible and stuck up they are. They may not always ask in the nicest way they are polite but auntie and neighbour will always be so overly polite with their words and I think this makes DH more willing to help them. Maybe both parties need to be a bit more in tune with each others feelings about each other, neither treat the other with respect really.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them

Think you picked yourself a dud OP. But you stayed with him so he must have some good points - for you. Sometimes its necessary to face yourself in the mirror and admit what it is that you find so appealing in this type of man. Maybe you have similar personality traits in which case, accept him as he is, as you've been doing for years.

You want him to get over something for 1 day. So it's not as if his attitude toward your parents or your son bothers you that deeply. You just want 1 day of faux nice and for everyone to fall in with that on your say so

If I were your parents I wouldn't go anywhere near him tho, not even for your sake.

In all honesty I like nice things and I will need to work past 60 to afford these things and also to help kids through uni.

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this.

Sounds like life’s too short for not throwing yourself a divorce party. A posh one.

What a horrible way to live.

This is really awful for you. I too don’t get on with my in laws, however the reasons were considerably more serious.

However I respect they are my husbands family and I would never stop any of my family from speaking to them, because they do love them, they just don’t love me- and that’s fine.

I don’t think it’s for him to decide where your dad should’ve had his birthday meal. And he absolutely shouldn’t be projecting this onto your children, or you. X

@eveningqueen456

OP this is just sad, sad reading and your most recent update makes things sound even worse than your original post. Do you think you have been together so long, that he has somehow persuaded you, just being who he is, that the way he feels is not unusual and he really is a nice guy? Because he is absolutely VERY unusual in his views and he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all.

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

No - qualities of kindness and compassion are NOT qualities he possesses if he's only either of those things to people he likes. If those were real qualities he would demonstrate them in all sorts of situations and with people he doesn't know or doesn't know well as well as people he is not so keen on.

This is not a good or healthy relationship and I think you should try and be more assertive. You are coming over as being very passive and trying to paint him in a good light in a number of places. Please, please, think hard about this. Eventually your parents will have passed on, maybe quicker than you think and your children will be gone from home, leading their own lives. How do you think you will feel when there are just the two of you and you can't do anything which involves in spending money when you are both retired? Is that a future you want for yourself?

Have a party for your son, just one party, invite everyone your son wants there. It’s your son’s party, not yours or your DH. If he wants his grandparents there - so be it. If his dad can’t get past his issues then you’ll clearly see him for what he is if he can’t be civil for his son and for this special occasion.

He sounds like a very selfish creature. Go ahead and have fun with or without him. Lay down the law, your son and his happiness comes first.

No. Life is too long to spend it with a misery guts like this man.

I adored my dm and she was a wonderful woman but she could be a bit … abrupt. She called a spade a spade and wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion even if it sometimes wasn’t welcome. My dh who often bore the brunt of this (particularly in the early years when my dm was convinced that no one would be good enough for her dd) would do anything for her. Partly because I asked him to and he loved me, but also because he is such a lovely man who wouldn’t see anyone struggle if he could help. As a result of this he soon won my dm over to the point where she would ring him if I didn’t answer and told everyone how lucky she was to have such a great sil. I lost my dm 18 months ago and dh read her eulogy on my behalf when I was sobbing so much that I couldn’t. He was also sobbing because as he said, she had become his second mum too.

Life is too short op. Far too short to be married to someone who refuses to help people you love unless they live their lives according to his rigid, stingy standards.

What kind if arrogance is required to deny your wife the pleasure of her elderly parents company?

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

This is awful on so many levels.

What if your kids don't want kids?
What if they can't have kids?
What if they live far away?
What if the other parent doesn't work and stays home with the kids?
What if your child or their partner prefer to use childcare for whatever reasons (eg doesn't want child tainted by DH's views)?
What if child's partner is rich?
What if child falls in love with and marries someone who loves spending money?

And as for "he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents". If my DH ever once dared say such a thing to my DC about my parents/their grandparents, when all they've done is live life legally, spending money they have, I would whip my DC away from him faster than he could cope with. Who the hell does he think he is, casting judgement on your parents in this way for nothing, to your own DC??! I mean, yes, if they were criminals or had low morals or were racist pigs or fascist right-wingers. But all they're doing is going to a restaurant to celebrate a birthday fgs!

You have married a Puritan.
What do your children prefer, celebration or narrow-minded frugality and approval only if they tick all the necessary boxes?