Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

doesn't like your parents but expected your mum to do free childcare ?

two faced, mean git and that's putting it politely.

he has never stopped you going out with friends - wtf !!!

why would he ?!!!
why should he ?!!!

why on earth have you stayed married to him ?

life is short, you should be enjoying it !

Your husband is completely out of order.

I’ve very seldom seen such a display of unity of thought between posters in response to an ‘AIBU?’. I imagine it’s fairly overwhelming, so sending strength to you OP. I also hope you’re giving some serious thought as to whether this is the man you want to spend the rest of your years with.

@LucyEleanorModeratz - outstanding user name! One of the greatest Christmas films and woefully undervalued.

When I looked after my neighbour’s cat I called out “kitty! Rich kitty!” at mealtimes

Ahahah thank you @CountingCrones ! I think you’re the first to have spotted the reference on MN 😁 I can literally say all the lines of the film verbatim - chronically underrated, as you say!

Partners are replaceable, parents aren't. Why are you letting him dictate to you?

Yet another post where so many respond and the OP doesn't return.

I hope it is because she is busy preparing her future without this bastard of a man.

After your second post, and actually after your first post, there appears to be a husband problem not a parent problem. What a miserable git he is. Let your child have the party they want and not the party your controlling, miserly husband wants. Your poor children having to have put up with this all their lives.

Gosh had a very busy two days so had no chance to post a reply.

I think deep down I know he is out of order but he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with- he says he has tried to get on with them but he just cannot understand the way they live and they way they treat him/us - ie not helping with childcare, wanting to do posh stuff with us rather than eating fish and chips at the beach (like normal people!!). His parents are younger than mine but retired early to look after his sisters children- they have never probably set foot in a restaurant and just (they live 60 miles away so they weren't an option for child care for us)and he thinks that is what mine should have done rather than frittering money on crap - they are in their late 70's and should be enjoying the beauty of the countryside and the grandchildren.

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

He has never stopped me seeing my parents and I see them fairly regularly but he is so full of hatred for them that he can't be in the same room as them. He doesn't understand why I can't see his point of view. He doesn't really like my sister much either as her and her husband spend their money and he feels they all look down on him for being unmaterialistic.

He doesn't really want my son to do anything for his 18th - he just wants to take him to the pub and buy him a pint. Again - parties are a form of showing off and money down the drain.

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

My dad will be 80 later this year so along with my sons 18th - this is causing issues because this means parties or celebrations which is spending money and showing off. Normal times when there is no big celebrations we get on really well because I just see my parents on my own or with the kids but it is when they are big birthdays etc that I start to resent him and his attitude.

Your update is even more depressing, OP. This is no way to live.

@eveningqueen456 Sorry you are having to live with such an awfully mean spirited and unpleasant man.

He'll be living it up on your parent's inheritance is they leave you anything I expect.

Your parents deserve their retirement. Your son and dad deserve a proper celebration for their big ''Birthdays'' {80 and 18}

Your husband is a killjoy and most unpleasantly behaved.

Yeah, the update makes it worse to be honest. So he doesn’t like your sister, doesn’t like your parents, does he like your friends or just his friends?

Just to play devils advocate, what makes him so sure his kids will WANT him to provide childcare/ live down the road from him. What if the kids want to build a life away? What if he dislikes your kid’s partners (shock: most people like parties/ eating out).

What if his grandchildren want a birthday party with all their friends?

I envisage a very frustrating and quite isolating future because his world sounds really quite small.

Your husband sounds unbearable. He is jealous of your parent's lifestyle and your relationship with them he expects everyone to be cheap and miserable like him. God knows what his relationship is like with his own family. I'm not sure why you didn't run from the wedding plans!!

So as long as you agree with him you don’t argue. Jesus no way could I live with someone like him. He’s made your life so much smaller.

I'm going to be harsh here OP, as you are minimising what has been happening for years. Consider it me giving your shoulders a little shake. Please wake up.

You have not protected your children from an abusive man. If you want to live with him that is your business but you are also a parent. Please be one.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-mental-abuse

Your update reinforces my view. He's stingy, self centred, vindictive, bitter, judgemental and believes his way is the only way. And it looks as though you've got so used to it that you can't see how abnormal it is.
Reasonable parents don't begrudge their child a modest party. Going to a restaurant is not "posh" and something to despise.
His way of thinking is very skewed, more than you seem to realise.

So what are you doing to do about it? Do you really love your husband and want to please him more than your son and father?

He's a Scrooge.
Except even Scrooge, the archetypal tightwad developed generosity.

Also, what @WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout and @AutumnFroglets said.

Divorce him and don't invite him.

Honestly @eveningqueen456, he says "life's too short"?

The man who has stopped you from enjoying life, having nice family celebrations and holidays?

What about your life? Isn't your life too short to miss out on all that stuff just because he doesn't approve of it?

He sounds like an absolutely horrible man and I wouldn't want to end my days with him.

Oh and you should throw a proper party for both your dad's 80th and your son's 18th and your husband can stay at home practising his cat's bum face and filling out his Form E.

My Dh asks me why I give presents to my whole family, I just tell him because it's how we are and what we do. He gets on well with them all but he doesn't speak to.his siblings and the gift giving concept is alien to him.

Wow. Your husband has such a massive chip on his shoulder he must be struggling to stand straight. So everyone should live their lives as he deems fit otherwise it’s “showing off “? ( And resentful of your parents wanting to give you a special wedding?)
Your marriage sounds extremely stifling and stressful. Wanting to celebrate big birthdays is pretty normal behaviour. Your husband’s attitude /behaviour is weird. He sounds like he is full of jealousy and resentment. Best course of action? Invite everyone your son wants to the party. Miserable twat husband can stay home with a pot noodle.

Then decide if you want to continue living like this.

Gosh, it's just sounding worse and worse.

Does he not see that he is letting money rule his life far, far, far more than your parents and sister? Money is a means to an end, it's a facilitator. It's not THE end. Your DH is making out like if something costs money, the end isn't warranted. He sounds so narrow-minded and terrified. Like a little child hoarding his ice pop so it doesn't get eaten, not realising it's all melted away anyway. What a foolish man.

I'm so sorry for you OP. This is no way to live.