Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

How are you feeling OP after seeing these comments? 💐

Well I hope he enjoys being the richest man in the graveyard!

What a miserable way to live

Why is he controlling your life so much ?

He would rather sulk and spoil your sons party than be in same room as your dad

Reevaluate what this. Controlling Miser brings to your life

I agree,,why are you still married ? Who does he think he is being judge and jury of everyone else and sucking the joy out of everyone’s lives . Why should his attitude over run everyone elses ? How dare he ruin your relationship With your family . I would just have the party with who you want and ban him .

I'll be honest, your DH sounds awful @eveningqueen456.
How dare he judge your parents for how they spend their money.
I couldn't live with someone so bitter.
Expecting your mum to give up her job mind your children is just...... jaw dropping!
I'd imagine there's a lot more that goes on in your marriage that we would all be astounded by, but you're the typical boiled frog who doesn't know up from down.
God almighty.... your poor children 😢

Wow, what a piece of work. How presumptuous of him to assume your mother would give up her career to look after a child. That’s bonkers and entitled. In your shoes I would have the party with your family and he can have a slice of cake at home with him after. Though I’d probably be thinking hard about the relationship too.

Your DH is massively in the wrong, and he sounds like a prick.

Your parents sound nice and normal.

None of this behaviour is normal OP:

• DH dictating that you can’t talk about your parents or have them in your home
• thinking he can dictate where your dad has his birthday meal and making it an issue
• Dictate which relatives your son invites to his own birthday party and refusing to attend.

he is acting like a spoilt toddler and honestly what does he bring to your lives at this point? Why have you put up with his rude behaviour to your parents? They must be heartbroken you are married to this awful man :(

Your husband sounds absolutely miserable. It is completely absurd that you cannot talk about them.

So if your son was to talk about his grandparents does that mean your husband would be in a bad mood with him ?

It is a shame you cannot do nice things with your husband like you can with your friends. Eventually you will realise this level of compromise is not normal. He is expecting everything his way or he makes you pay for it at home

What a child he is! Your DH needs to get over himself

I have a friend’s DH who is very very frugal. She has a real battle with him just to have the heating on in the winter. Everything has to be a deal! Own house in very upmarket location, thousands in the bank and he wants to save it all for a just in case scenario 🙄

So your husband has a huge inferiority complex and is dragging you down? Let your son invite his grandparents, I assume your son probably thinks hes a massive dick, too.

Well there isn’t a ‘feud’ is there?

Your tight fisted, controlling partner dislikes your parents.

A feud would indicate discord from both sides.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

He sounds like hard work

You're right @Rachie1973, this isn't a feud.
This is one very controlling, financially abusive I'd imagine too, man who is manipulating his wife and two very scared parents who are afraid to piss him off too much in case they lose their daughter (& grandchildren) altogether.

@eveningqueen456 Please come back, I think you really need help.

Sounds like he has massive chip on his shoulder and really immature if he thinks going for a nice meal is showing off. We've all seen what actual posh snobs or tacky wealthy types flaunt their cash. TbH your parents seem like they have worked really hard to get where they are and can enjoy life to the fullest.

Up to your son who he invites, up to hubby to decide to let his son down or not. He sounds a right twat. Needs to grow up.

You have a DH problem.

I would never allow a partner to come in between me and my family.

Let your son invite who he wants to his party and if his Dad doesn't show up then so be it. Your husband sounds controlling and tight!

This is so sad, your poor parents. He sounds awful.

Your DH sounds like a resentful and petty man. I couldn't be doing with that at all.

He sounds quite resentful himself, as if he has a massive chip on his shoulder.

How are you feeling @eveningqueen456

It must be difficult reading all of this

Fuck me your husband sounds utterly awful. What a miserable existence!!

I feel really, really sad reading this. How have you managed 18+ years with this tight fisted, joy sucking, controlling wanker. Who does he think he is, dictating to everyone how they live their lives? What an awful, awful position to put your son in. My god you must have the patience of a saint. I don't know how old you are but life is short OP. Not sure I'd be wanting to spend the rest of it like this.

Perhaps he isn't coming across very well here but your DH sounds horrible op. Sorry. He must have his good points but I just think it's a shame for your DC and for you.

YABU to have put up with this shit for 20 years op.

It must be so hard for your parents seeing you married to such a miserable prick. I expect he thinks your son should celebrate his birthday with a multipack of crisps and tap water! I would recommend getting your parents involved with organising the party, if DH won't come then double win. He can decide how to spend his own money, so long as his family are provided for, but he doesn't have any say in how others spend theirs.