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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
Crazyclover · 30/04/2024 16:40

Your husband is a selfish arse and is prepared to ruin his son's 18th birthday because he doesn't want to be near your parents? Tell him when the party is and if he isn't there then tell him to pack his shit and go.
I'll bet he won't mind spending any of the inheritance they may leave you, I can't believe what a mean spirited and selfish excuse of a human he really is - tragic.

diddl · 30/04/2024 16:42

It's so hard to understand why has been pandered to such that he still does it.

Surely everyone could have been invited to the nice restaurant & him go or not as he pleased?

Unless he was being asked to pay what difference did it make to what restaurant it was?

GoldenTrout · 30/04/2024 16:45

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

Why not his mum? Or indeed, why not pay for childcare like, um, the vast majority of other working people?

SpiritOfEcstasy · 30/04/2024 16:47

I’m sorry OP your DH sounds like an utter bore. It doesn’t sound like you knows how to have fun at all and resents anyone who does as they’re ‘snobby’ and not ‘run of the mill’. Why are you with him?

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 30/04/2024 16:56

What do you really see in this mean spirited, rigid thinking tightwad? I bet he won't be backwards in spending any inheritance you may get from them!

I know someone in this position who is married to an arse like this and it's untenable. Every family occasion has to be done his way or he sulks (or goes to work even on Xmas day if the DPs ask if they can quickly pop in to drop off presents!) I know its hackneyed view on here but he's very much undiagnosed ND (the eldest DC is ND) but refuses to get help, and basically its his way or the highway. She has a FT job now thank goodness and is planning her exit!

TonTonMacoute · 30/04/2024 17:04

Your parents sound quite jolly, they must be wondering why on earth you married such a miserable git - as is everyone on Mumsnet.

Your children will soon be flying the nest, I suggest you join them before wasting any more of your life.

FortunataTagnips · 30/04/2024 17:09

Why does he get to decide who is and isn’t worthy? What a pompous prig.

SecondHandFurniture · 30/04/2024 17:17

Eurgh. Nothing makes tbe libido shrivel up like a tightwad man.

Twazique · 30/04/2024 17:17

Leave your husband before he takes all you inheritance.

I bet your son has a better party if he isn't there.

WanderleyWagon · 30/04/2024 17:29

Your DH sound squarely in the wrong here, if he's held it against your parents all these years that they worked and had fun and weren't available to provide his family with free childcare 😮

Hopelesscase32 · 30/04/2024 17:29

You've been an absolute mug to allow this type of behaviour to continue for as long as it has

Verv · 30/04/2024 17:30

Sorry OP, your DH sounds insufferable.
Have you considered that life might be more pleasant without him?

IAmThe1AndOnly · 30/04/2024 17:37

I voted yabu because yabu to have not told him to grow the fuck up.

ZoeCM · 30/04/2024 17:43

Is this for real? Why on Earth are you still married to this man?

  • He expected your choose his father-in-law's 75th birthday venue (just... why? On his milestone birthdays, has he asked your dad to choose the venue?)
  • He's been so rude to your parents that they knew in advance he would complain about the restaurant
  • He would have whinged if they'd invited him, but when they didn't invite him he refused to have anything more to do with them
  • He's forbidden you from even mentioning them to him, which is the sort of reaction you'd only expect if they'd done something truly horrendous, which celebrating a birthday at a restaurant certainly does not qualify as
  • He's threatening to stir up drama on his own son's eighteenth birthday because everything. is. all. about. him.

I normally think MN is far too quick to suggest ending marriages, but seriously. LTB now.

NoWayRose · 30/04/2024 17:45

Seems so odd (and a bit thick?) to declare you are seeking out the ‘run of the mill’ on purpose. He sounds a Dad from a film set in the 1970/80s, upset that their son wants to do ballet in London. Not a young-ish person from 2024.

BustyLaRoux · 30/04/2024 17:46

So he wants to control what you’re allowed to speak about, control where your dad has his birthday meal and control who your son invites to his birthday.

Who made this man King?

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/04/2024 17:47

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

Literally this! With bells on.

tara66 · 30/04/2024 17:48

He has a massive chip on his shoulder and also probably an inferiority complex too. Psychologist would find him a text book case I think!

Bestyearever2024 · 30/04/2024 17:50

YOU , OP, have allowed this awful man to spoil life for your parents, children and wider family

Shocking

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 30/04/2024 17:59

When your DC go to Uni/leave home do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Scrooge?

GimmeGin · 30/04/2024 18:06

@eveningqueen456 What a shame that your DH wanted such a rubbish wedding, and expected you and your DP to go along with his wishes, and has basically sulked about it for the past 20 years!

You live a frugal life, and he won't spend on anything. No holidays!?! Fair enough if you are skint, but sounds like he is just mean. Has he salted away all his cash into his own savings account? Don't worry, he will never spend any of it, and be a miserable sod for the next 20 years.

What a lovely retirement you can both look forward to....

misszebra · 30/04/2024 18:23

your husband seems a very miserable person. you'd probably have a better party if he wasn't there

Jl2014 · 30/04/2024 18:24

Your husband sounds awful. I’d be glad to have the party without him!!

OrigamiOwls · 30/04/2024 18:31

Why on earth did he assume your mum would give up work to care for your child?!

INeedToClingToSomething · 30/04/2024 18:38

Your "D"H sounds fucking horrible.