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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
gruberandassocs · 30/04/2024 14:14

What did I just read? Can't believe you have enabled this arsehole. Ask him if he would be happy if one of your children married someone who's parents live a different way to him, would he cut them off too? Jeez, just hope he hasn't screwed up your children the same way he is. Just out of curiosity what are his folks like? Is there a pattern for weird judgyness?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/04/2024 14:15

@eveningqueen456

Do you actually love him?

Like, is he someone you are genuinely very fond of who enhances your life in many ways, and this is a minor irritation that flares up from time to time?

Or is life with him generally quite miserable because he sucks the fun out of everything?

If it's the former, he needs a good stern talking to.

"DH, I have spent the last 20 years of my life listening to you moaning about how my parents choose to spend their time and their money, not eating at nice restaurants, not going on decent holidays, not celebrating important family events. All because YOU judge these things to be unimportant and frivolous. Because YOU don't think these things are worth spending our money on. But I've had enough. I don't want to listen to you complaining about my parents, who have worked hard to have the kind of life they want, and who are entitled to enjoy it. I don't want to eat at Brewer's Fayre, or spend another holiday in a crappy caravan, when we could afford nicer experiences. I don't want to listen to you sneering at people who dare to do nice things, because I too would like to do nice things and frankly I am pretty envious of those people, because they are allowed to do nice things with their families whereas I am not. We only have a finite number of days in this life. Neither of us know how many of them we have left. So please give your head a fucking wobble, celebrate these milestones with us, push the boat out a bit on holiday, agree to eat at a nice restaurant once in a while. Otherwise we will do these things without you. I'd rather we did them with you. But I've had enough of not doing them at all, simply because you have decided that we aren't going to."

If it's the latter...

Close your eyes. Imagine yourself lying on a sun lounger underneath a palm tree with a warm breeze around you, drinking a cocktail. Or sitting at a table at a nice restaurant, with your parents and children and sister and nieces and nephews, wearing an outfit that makes you feel a million dollars, seeing the look on your dad's face as they bring out his 80th birthday cake. Or hiking the Inca trail.

Imagine all the things you can do with your life if you decouple yourself from this miserable git, and then tell him you're done.

Conniebygaslight · 30/04/2024 14:16

Your husband has a massive chip on his shoulder that is the other person in your marriage. It's damaged your relationship with your parents and will be a massive negative impact on your son's current and future relationships. If you don't leave this man, I fear that you will have a massive breakdown when you lose your parents.

C152 · 30/04/2024 14:23

You and your DH sound like fundamentally different people, although you seem to have made it work, apart from the issue of your parents. It's rare I find myself siding with the PIL in these sorts of posts, but I do think your DH is behaving like he has a massive chip on his should about money (which is his own issue to resolve) and is immensely childish about both your father's dinner and his own child's birthday party.

It was your father's birthday celebration. It's up to him to decide what form that celebration will take. As it was, he kept the dinner small to avoid an issue with your DH. The fact your DH decided to pick an issue anyway, makes him sound like a spoiled brat.

And refusing to go to his own child's 18th birthday party, just so he doesn't have to set eyes on his PIL? I'd be telling him to grow the fuck up. Marriage isn't about one person always getting their own way. It really doesn't matter at all how he feels about your parents, he can suck it up and be polite in order to ensure your son has an excellent day. (I'm sure he doesn't love all the people he's ever worked with - does he give them the silent treatment or tell colleagues not to mention their names to him?)

5128gap · 30/04/2024 14:32

Your parents are not getting any younger. Tell your mean spirited controlling husband that you'll see them when and as often as you choose and if he doesn't like it...tough. Please don't waste the remaining years you have them for pandering to a man you would probably be better off without.

TomatoWrap · 30/04/2024 14:37

I voted YABU because your husband doesn't sound very nice. He sounds very controlling and you don't sound very happy.

Its never too late to leave, if you're not happy.

What if your kids decide to spend money on something he deems unacceptable? Will he drop them too? Will you?

I hope you both have amassed a nice savings pot due to his tightness, and you divorce him and get half and live the rest of your life how you want to. Hopefully you properly regain the relationship with your parents before it's too late.

CommentNow · 30/04/2024 14:37

I'm not trying to goad you into leaving but if not now, when?

If now isn't right to stand up and make changes, when?

Twenty years he has taken. Your life, your parents, kids.

When Is enough enough?

cloudydays2 · 30/04/2024 14:43

Have my first LTB.

Genuinely though, what happiness do you get out of this marriage and what do you think his behaviour is showing your children ? He is isolating you from your own parents because he can't get his own way.

ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey · 30/04/2024 14:43

Yes, he's not going to improve, is he? He's likely to become grumpier and more unbearable as he ages. Free yourself from this dismal husband. Life really is too short.

LucyEleanorModeratz · 30/04/2024 14:47

What a pitiful man your ‘D’H is. How dare he try to dictate how your parents spend their cash.

I’ve never said this on MN but… LTB

ClawedButler · 30/04/2024 14:49

Ditch this joyless loveless miser while you're still young.

Squish12 · 30/04/2024 14:57

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

What a pathetic childish prick

Katherineryan1986 · 30/04/2024 15:09

Sounds to me like he is jealous of your parents having the money to live the life they want. Did he expect them to be frugal so that you can inherit a bigger chunk?
What a tiring man he seems to be. When do you get to do what you want and have the holidays you want?

Ellie56 · 30/04/2024 15:36

@eveningqueen456

What a vile horrible man. I can't believe you've put up with the shit show of living with this miserable joy sucking twat for 20 years.

Make it stop now.

Let your son have his party and invite whoever he wants. So what if the miserable grinch won't come? Who's going to miss him?

See your parents when you want and ignore him if he sulks.

Make plans to leave. You, your children and your parents will all be so much happier.

Malo05 · 30/04/2024 15:48

Your DH is a miserable bastard and I'd not put him before your parents who btw sound lovely. Why did your DH expect your mother to give up working to look after your children, what a fuckin twat!

PersephonePomegranate23 · 30/04/2024 15:54

I couldn't be with someone like this, personally. It sounds like you're very different people and his 'snobby' comments makes him sound like a massive inverted snob with a chip on his shoulder.

Does he enjoy being prickly and getting annoyed by people having fun?

3luckystars · 30/04/2024 15:57

I doubt she was expecting this response.

It’s unusual that we all stand together so strongly, I like it, but it must be hard for her to take in.

FeetupTvon · 30/04/2024 15:59

So your husband won’t even put himself out for your son’s party?
How is your relationship with your husband? Do you do anything nice together?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2024 16:01

@eveningqueen456

I hope you're reading the replies and seriously reconsidering your life and why you're staying in the marriage. Setting the 'feud' aside, why do you want to live with such a miser if you can afford, or have the means to afford, a 'real' life spending your money for what you want? And if you can't afford it, IMHO you should be working towards affording it.

And I hate to bring up 'dead man's shoes', but have you considered the ramifications of the control over any inheritance you or your children may receive from your parents 'in the fullness of time'? It will be considered joint property/funds and do you really think he's going to give you any control whatsoever over if and/or how these funds are used? I certainly don't. At best they'll be squirreled away in a joint account never to be touched so he can gloat silently over the amount, at worst he'll put it under his name so you don't 'squander' it.

There's much more here at stake than just you having to tiptoe around him.

FeetupTvon · 30/04/2024 16:02

Why don’t you and your children move in with your parents? Sounds like you’d all be happier.

Your parents sound really lovely btw.

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 30/04/2024 16:06

I think your dh really needs to grow up - unless your parents have been very unfair or rude to him over the years. It’s hard to know with only one side of the story, but he ought to try and make an effort.

stawbly · 30/04/2024 16:16

@eveningqueen456, can I ask what his redeeming qualities are?
Apologies if it's already been asked

potato57 · 30/04/2024 16:24

Doesn't sound like it's going to be a big loss when he's not there.

I would call his bluff, if he's really that petty he's going to miss out on such a big milestone it's just going to be him that looks bad.

theholesinmyapologies · 30/04/2024 16:29

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 22:41

It all started when we got married and my parents offered to pay but wanted his words "a posh and snobby affair" - with caterers and real champagne - DH just wanted tea and cake in a church hall and in the end they got their way because I wanted "the posh do" - OK OK looking back this was probably a massive red flag!!!!!

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

We spend very little time together as couple as I have quite a few friends who I enjoy going out with - he has never ever stopped me seeing friends or going out although he can't understand why I can't just be happy with a cup of tea at a mates house or a coffee in a coffee shop or pub rather than going out to a nice restaurant/wine bar/ where snobs go.

We've been on a few holidays but only caravan sites or camping.

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

Your husband is a terrible combination of miser, kill-joy and reverse-snob.

Marrying him was clearly bad enough, but to still be with him when he doesn't want you to see your own parents because they just live their lives as they see fit? And didn't drop everything to provide free childcare for him?

Wow

Why on earth are you still married to him???

SmokedGlass · 30/04/2024 16:30

What a souless man, sad man
He has a massive chip on his shoulder and is jealous of your parents and anyone enjoying their lives to the full
Though he will tell you differently

Have you stopped to think about your life as you get older and that by staying with him, you will never have a relationship with him like the one your happy parents share
Can you imagine living a fulfilling life with him around when your children eventually leave home?

That thought would put the fear of God in me and I would be gone