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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
mogtheexcellent · 30/04/2024 12:35

You do realise that the snob in this affair is your DH?

Oaktree55 · 30/04/2024 12:38

Wow your DH is so unreasonable!! Amazed you even have to ask

coconutpie · 30/04/2024 12:39

Your husband is a prick. I can't believe you've tolerated this shit for the last 20 years. Why are you staying in this marriage? Why? He sounds fucking awful.

krustykittens · 30/04/2024 12:43

Your poor parents. To have effectively lost their daughter and grandchildren and any chance of a family life to this prick for the last 20 years. He is abusive, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Psychonabike · 30/04/2024 13:02

Your husband massive projects his (inverse) snobbery and judgement all over everyone else. The narcissism and insecurity behind his inflexibility is mind boggling.

He can't make the rules. He just can't.

Make a decision here: DH can only makes rules for himself and repeat it to yourself and him.

DS is having a party for his 18th. All families attend. DH can only choose whether he joins or not -he can't decide who gets to be there.

Your DF has a party, at the venue of his choice and invites everyone. DH can only choose whether he comes.

If DH is dictating the rules, boundaries and decisions of other people, even through threats of strops/arguments or the threat of non-attendance (who would give a fuck I wonder) then I'm afraid that this is abuse and coercion.

BirthdayRainbow · 30/04/2024 13:04

SloaneStreetVandal · 30/04/2024 08:48

He excluded his grandkids from his birthday meal though. Am I the only one reading between the lines (that the parents sound neither 'lovely' nor 'generous'?).

Show quote history

No, the dad excluded his children from the meal as the grandad didn't want his rude, ungrateful and disgraceful son in law there. Shame grandad didn't have the wherewithal to invite the kids anyway but he's clearly not wanting or stir the pot.

shenandoahvalley · 30/04/2024 13:05

I’ve been thinking about this since I first posted. You’ve probably had quite a shock reading the replies: your OP makes out like none of this is a big deal, everything has been in an even keel, now all these random people are saying the same, very unpleasant things to read, about your husband.

But it really is true. Your DH must be one of the most insecure people you know. To only be lovely to people you like is the epitome of insecurity: he can’t handle anyone outside his way of being. That’s just, well, awful and miserable and tiny-minded and everything else.

And, he’s got you right where he needs you - estranged from your parents - so that his ego remains intact. His wag of being is threatened by your parents, he can’t cope with that, so the only way for it is to banish them from his life and because you live with him, that has to mean your life too. Your own parents, your DCs’ grandparents.

Do you see that this just isn’t normal? That you’ve lived 20 years in the shadow of an insecure man who has nurtured and tended to an outsized ego to shield the world from his insecurities? Just because he’s on the spend-less side of the spectrum, doesn’t mean he’s any the less snobbish or puffed up. It’s all the same things as the odious man at the golf club with his booming voice and loud trousers and tiny wife, telling anyone who will listen that he doesn’t approve of the hoi polloi with their inferior lifestyle. This man, too, will be absolutely best buddies with people who think like him. And their world will be tiny. All the same. It’s petty, unattractive, tribalism.

I really feel for you, your parents and your D.C. all held to ransom by this man laying down the law by threat of punishment (ie worse behaviour from him, arguments, atmosphere etc) if you don’t do as he needs you to do so he can throw his ego around unthreatened. What a way to live. Do you really want or need that for the next 20 years of your life? There’s a whole world out there, places to see, people to meet, hobbies to pursue, relationships to cultivate. He’s holding you all back, for his own sake and at the expense of yours. It’s so, so sad.

Alltheunreadbooks · 30/04/2024 13:05

Full respect to your parents for not making things even worse , even though they must hate that you are with this inverted , unpleasant miserly inverted snob.

I won't say ' LTB' , as I know it's far easier for a casual observer to come to that conclusion that it will be for yourself, but what would you say to anyone in your situation?. You must be so miserable and quite frankly your future will be even worse , especially retirement.

At the very least you need a serious talk with your DH, explain that you no longer want to waste your life like this and that if he doesn't change, then changes will happen around him.

GabriellaMontez · 30/04/2024 13:08

How have you survived with him for so longer? Your poor parents must wonder what they've done to deserve him.

Goldbar · 30/04/2024 13:12

Your husband sounds like a miserable, judgmental twat.

I can't imagine his presence being missed at a party.... Presumably he'd just be looking round for someone to criticise anyway.

betterangels · 30/04/2024 13:15

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 23:51

Inferiority complexes make people so high maintenance. How have you put up with him? It must be incredibly draining.

Agree.

Tell your son there will be a party. He shouldn't have to miss out any longer because he has a dad with, at best, a massive chip on his shoulder.

Then look at the Freedom Programme.

Barney16 · 30/04/2024 13:18

The thing is even if he doesn't like them he should make an effort because they are important to you. So it's more than one issue. Issue one is he sounds joyless, second is he inflicts that on everyone around him,which is selfish and indicates that he thinks rather a lot of himself, third issue is that although he knows your parents are important to you he doesn't put his feelings aside. I think he sounds thoroughly unpleasant. You say in your post he's lovely. it doesn't sound like he is.

CommentNow · 30/04/2024 13:20

So he is entitled (free childcare), tight, coercive controlling (by making it difficult for you to have a normal relationship with your parents or a holiday you want and can afford with your kids due to his ensuing mood and atmosphere) and he is insecure about his ability to earn and provide.

This is literally your life. Your parents will die, your kids will leave and you will be left in retirement with a miserly joyless man. I hope he is worth it for you.

betterangels · 30/04/2024 13:22

CommentNow · 30/04/2024 13:20

So he is entitled (free childcare), tight, coercive controlling (by making it difficult for you to have a normal relationship with your parents or a holiday you want and can afford with your kids due to his ensuing mood and atmosphere) and he is insecure about his ability to earn and provide.

This is literally your life. Your parents will die, your kids will leave and you will be left in retirement with a miserly joyless man. I hope he is worth it for you.

Also this.

RedToothBrush · 30/04/2024 13:23

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

Have a party. If your DH wants to be a miserable git and not attend its his loss and his problem. Let your DS have the party he wants. Its HIS birthday.

Crankyandco · 30/04/2024 13:27

What are you doing with this man? Get out now while you can. X

Daisys24 · 30/04/2024 13:28

No wonder your parents don’t like him. I’m surprised that you do.

AgreeableDragon · 30/04/2024 13:30

@eveningqueen456 You DH is utterly unreasonable and always has been! What an absolute tw**t!!

Your parents are gettting on, and you’ve allowed this mean spirited arse to stop you from seeing them. They are not the problem, he is!

I would not be tolerating this. I hope your DS tells him to back off and invites his grandparents to his party .

AgreeableDragon · 30/04/2024 13:30

krustykittens · 30/04/2024 12:43

Your poor parents. To have effectively lost their daughter and grandchildren and any chance of a family life to this prick for the last 20 years. He is abusive, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Exactly!!

Acornsoup · 30/04/2024 13:34

Your husband is awfully controlling. He would rather make a point then let your son have the birthday party he deserves Hmm

BirthdayRainbow · 30/04/2024 13:44

StopStartStop · 30/04/2024 09:05

They aren't going to get on, so forget it and organise your separate parties as happily as you can. Two parties for DS. Fine.

I don't like the sound of your husband. After the parties are done, think about if you want this for the rest of your life.

eta: Just wondering - will he be offended if you inherit from them? Or will he think he should take control of any funds you have, to manage them 'properly'?

Edited

No. Don't do this. Do something now. Don't pander to him anymore and don't do it especially when it will ruin your son's 18th. The man you should love before any other.

QuaintLemur · 30/04/2024 13:53

Reading between the lines, you're not happy, your dh controls you, your dc are grown. Time to spread your wings and kick him out.

Folklore9074 · 30/04/2024 13:57

Sounds like you are married miser who wears his mediocrity like a badge of honour. He’s treated your parents like shit and made your life a bit miserable. Tell him what’s happening and that if he can’t put aside his differences for one evening he can enjoy his humble tea and cakes in his little home on his own for the foreseeable future.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 30/04/2024 14:04

He’s fond of dictating how family members celebrate, isn’t he, who the fuck does he think he is? I so hope your ds stands his ground and uninvited this horrible selfish man.
I hope you uninvite him too, @eveningqueen456, but forever.

UneTasse · 30/04/2024 14:04

I'm assuming that your parents aren't driving themselves into debt with this lifestyle, and that they are actually relatively well off, right? And I'm assuming that your husband comes from a much poorer background and has a lower proportionate income than your parents/provides a lower standard of living than you might have otherwise expected?

You DON'T have to feel guilty about this. This chip on his shoulder is his problem, not yours, and you DON'T have to tolerate him dragging you down.

Honestly, your kids are raised and heading off to university. I would strongly consider leaving him BEFORE your parents die and leave you anything because I guarantee he will spend the rest of your lives tangled up in some fucked up mental gymnastics like refusing to let you spend it to improve your lives because "huh! if I wasn't good enough for them when they were alive, I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of using their money now", or making your life a misery and refusing to use the kitchen extension/attic conversion/greenhouse/new car/holiday you get because it was built/made/bought with "their money".

Or he'll kick off about you using it for college fees/support because he feels chippy about not being able or WILLING (which from what you said is most of the problem) to pay that himself. I bet he also thinks university is a waste of time and full of snobs "who'll probably look down on us".

Leave him then and he walks away with half of it. Leave him now, spend precious time with your lovely, endlessly patient parents, and have a happy life without this nonsense.