Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

why would you want one big a bad atmospheric party when they get together and create an awkward tense environment.

Have two parties

Sounds like your DH wants to be a working class hero and has a huge chip on his shoulder. I assume this is a hangover from his upbringing. Bottom line is you really aren't compatible with this man the cracks will become less tolerable as you both get older and children leave home.

Absolutely this. Make up for lost time with your parents. You'll regret the time lost with them when they are gone. Imagine your own children's spouses treating you that way, how upsetting that would be.

Stop dancing to his tune. He sounds like a nightmare of a husband. It's absolutely nothing to do with him what your parents spend their money on. I take it he's not going to want any benefits from the inheritance you might get in the future?

It must grieve your parents to see their lovely daughter married to such an angry and unpleasant man.

Am I right in thinking that the sum total of your DH dislike for your parents is that they enjoy their life, using their own money, in ways he would think extravagant for his own tastes?

You aren't allowed to talk about your own family because DH doesn't like how they spend their own money on holidays and nice meals out?

He sounds a controlling knob OP. You don't get to control other people's lifestyle. And to throw a FIVE YEAR sulk because your dad wanted his birthday meal in a nice restuarant (and because of your DH behaviour had to have that occasion without his grandchildren there) is utterly pathetic. It's time to tell your DH to grow up. It's your son's 18th, he should be able to have a party without his dad being a dick to his grandparents (who don't seem to have done anything wrong).

Look to your retirement.

It will be miserable.

And I hate to ask - will you inherit from your parents? He won't want you to spend it.

Why would you tolerate this attitude for 20 years? Your DH sounds depressingly intolerable. Do you still love him?

Your dh isn’t coming accross well. He’s the inverted snob here “I’m so working class my dog has a flat cap”

If your parents get sick, or need you over the next few years, this is going to ramp up and your life will be a total misery.

Sort it now before your parents get older, because you would not believe how painful it is, even with a nice kind husband.

Good luck to you x

I struggle to believe that your DH's selfish awful behaviour regarding your family is in isolation.

This isn't the acts of a loving partner. Awful behaviour, you deserve way better and frankly so do your parents! He'd have to go if I was in your shoes.

This ^^ Absolutely he is an inverted snob - and they are worse than 'normal' snobs. He obviously has an enormous sense of inferiority and is taking out on you.

Stop appeasing him. One party, invite everyone your son wants there and if your Husband elects not to go, that's fine, let him stay at home.

More fool you for letting yr H control your life like that. Your poor parents and kids.

My DH isnt keen on my mum, but i would never ever let him influence my relationship with her.

Let me guess: your husband's earning capacity is modest because he lacks intelligence and skills, or does not get promotion because he can't get along with people? And resents anyone who is in a better financial position?

Or he can go to the pub, nurse half a pint of bitter all evening and talk about immigration/the cost of living/whippets with his friends. If he has any.

Your husband sounds like an asshole, remember your parents won't be around forever and when they are gone your really going to regret a lot of this.

I would like to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your dh, @eveningqueen456 - to point out to him that he is an adult, and should be able to use his grown-up manners. And that other people have as much right as him, to live their lives as they want to, and he has no right whatsoever to dictate how they spend their money. I'd tell him that his son has every right to have his grandparents at his 18th birthday party, and that it would be cruel of him to make his own son choose between him and his son's grandparents.

Basically, he needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a petulant toddler, if he doesn't want to lose his family.

Unless there is a massive backstory here, your husband is disgraceful.

Your parents will be gone one day - trust me your resentment of him will be tenfold for the impact he has had on your and your children's enjoyment of family life and relationships. And what's worse, you won't be able to 'fix' it, as they won't be there.

This won't get easier - only harder - as your parents age and you want to support them. Unless there is more to this story, then I cannot fathom why you would put up with it.

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare

What an entitled bastard he is. I notice he didn't presume your dad would give up work or that he himself would give up work to look after his own children.

Your parents must be heartbroken that you've married a man like this. What would you feel like if your children married someone like their dad, who didn't want anything to do with you unless you were funding his lifestyle?

and to add to that - no way would I be putting on two parties. You are enabling him.

Throw one, invite all. He chooses to come and behave, or not go.

You can remind him that the person he will be hurting if he does anything other than go and behave himself, will be his son.

And if he was going to choose to do that, then I would be out of the door.

I used to work with someone like this - a huge inverted snob. Anybody who liked anything she thought was "posh" was showing off, fancied themselves, needed taking down a peg, a snob, etc etc. The list of what counted as "posh" was absolutely endless, starting with A for Avocado, B for Ballet and probably all the way through to Z.

Things that were "posh" and therefore unacceptable included joined-up handwriting and going running. Acceptable activities included attending school (while compulsory), attending work (but nothing you enjoy or find intellectually stimulating!), drinking tea and gardening. And you'd better not want a chocolate covered biscuit with your cup of tea.

Your son's 18th is a good place to either deal with DH or decide to leave him. He has already alienated you from your (lovely) parents, sucked as much joy out of your life as possible and put you in a position where you state his opinions as some sort of fact.

There is no way he is going to approve of any partners your DCs bring home, if they even bring anyone home. Are your DCs allowed to feel proud of achievements, or will he get nasty with them if they get good jobs or travel or anything he doesn't fully want to do himself? Do you really want to have a future where your DCs hide the important parts of their lives to keep DH happy?

This attitude of DHs will ruin your future relationships with your DCs in exactly the way he has ruined the relationship with your parents. Choose carefully what you do next.

It might be worth copying a few responses and showing him what 100% of posters opinions are on this. If necessary you could say you looked up mumsnet to find threads on this topic regarding husbands who refuse to have anything to do with their parents-in-law or their families and refuse to compromise for the sake of the children involved and here is the response. It goes without saying this would also be the response for wives & their in-laws if they held a grudge against their husbands family & caused problems for everyone involved.

My god, please go out and live your life! For twenty years you’ve not done meals out/ socialised/ holidays you want because of what? The massive chip on his shoulder he has?

Life will pass you by, take a leaf out of your parents books before you’re old and in a chair wondering why you didn’t do the things you wanted to while you could. I find this so much sadder than the rift he has with your parents. He’s taken so much more from you than you realise.

Is he saving up to retire?

my dad insisted mum mum do this all her life. I never had a holiday until they got a caravan when I was about 12 and we had some nice holidays then.

When they retired they had two huge holidays. One to Auz and the other to Canada. then it stopped, he wanted to save for their money in case they needed a nursing home, or an op or anything else but won’t spend it on holidays other than going away in the caravan. Mums always wanted to go on a cruise. They are pushing 90 now both of them, fit as fiddles, the tax man is going to love him when they pop their clogs. I hope dad goes first so mum can go on lots of holidays abroad as she’s always wanted !