To just feel a bit down in the dumps and stuck in life with two young kids

[toule]

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I'm currently on a career break.

My H is away daily from 6 am until 8:30 pm.

The nursery run takes 1 hour each way. My eldest goes to a school nursery 5 days a week and my little one goes 3 days a week.

The weekends are spent doing play dates / birthday parties, Day trips and seeing family.

The days my kids are both in child care are spent catching up on laundry / cleaning / cooking / food shopping and going to the gym. I'm so lucky I have time to do those things and can stay off work for a while as I was suffering from pretty bad burn out before.

Anyway, I just feel stuck and down and so tied down. I know these are normal feelings but sometimes it feels pretty dark. I try not to feel / think about things and just get on with things, but the feelings get to me sometimes.

I sometimes get frustrated with my kids. I feel like they are the boss of me and everything I do is to try to avoid them screaming at me.

I know I'm so lucky, so I don't understand why I'm still struggling.

How much more help can you get without totally absolving herself of parenting?

You know what's absolutely both necessary and helpful? Sticking the knife in and giving it a nice twist pointlessly when someone is already struggling. OP has both her DC every morning, every after-school, every bedtime, and basically all weekend plus the younger one all day 2 days a week. And she is unwell and needs recovery. These DC's dad doesn't see them at all in the week and then needs "rest" and "chill time" all weekend. How much less can he do without losing the right to call himself their father?

OP is getting 18 hours a week chill time. I’m not suggesting her OH should be abdicated of responsibility all weekend but he ought to have an opportunity to recharge too.

@KeyboardWhinger thank you. I appreciate your post so much.

I've been feeling pretty rubbish all day at these replies.

I do so much for my kids. I try to make them happy all the time. I take them everywhere, buy them things. Everything I do, is about making them happy.

To come on here and be accused of causing them suffering and not even parenting enough of the time is a stab in the heart and yes, it's made me feel really shit.

I thought most parents feel stressed out having little kids. Not just me.

I meant to tag @DreadPirateRobots.

I have just sat and read this whole thread. OP, I think you are both lucky AND unlucky. I think yes, lots of people would absolutely kill for this time off work, without the kids to have some space- BUT it sounds like you are recovering from a quite significant trauma with work/mental health. I would really seriously consider seeking some therapy for what happened (I know you didn’t give details) whilst you’re not working. It sounds like you’re really struggling to pull yourself out of what sounds like utter overwhelm- and while some people may think ‘what has she got to be stressed about’ that is both unhelpful and unkind.

Your husband basically doesn’t parent during the week. That’s hard. You’ve gone from a full on job to being a (temporary) SAHM which was never the plan. You spend 2 hours a day driving to and from nursery.

Honestly, you need to change some things. Is there seriously no way you can change the school/nursery situation? Although presumably you’ve accepted a place for reception now?

With the children being difficult, having read your update that sounds positive, they just need firm boundaries and lots of love and affection, which I’m sure you give them. Make sure the 4 yr old doesn’t nap on the way home- listen to music, windows open, anything, but a nap at that time will make it impossible for her to sleep at a good time.

Take care of yourself.

are you bored? I would go insane like this. Go back to work?

I'm totally not bored at all.

@DreadPirateRobots OP’s husband is also
presumably supporting the household, not
dicking around.

I'm in a similar position though my children are older now. Absent husband, professional job. Doing the morning and tea and bedtime shift on my own both nights. Youngest DC is particularly tricky. They were both awful at bedtime for years. Like you I have chronic insomnia.

Things did get easier when they were both at school but then there was a very stressful pile up of events last year (including a protracted house move). I stopped sleeping altogether, had a severe breakdown and became suicidal.

I don't want to derail with my story, except it's an example I suppose of what can happen if you don't look after yourself. I haven't figured things out yet but I wanted to say that I was put on antidepressants (sertraline) and it has been incredibly helpful. I hadn't realised how bad my anxiety was, including social anxiety in my case. It has helped me set boundaries calmly with the children, another big issue for me. It has helped a bit with sleep as well though I still haven't cracked that one. I would definitely look into ADs though. I was sceptical but was basically forced onto them when I became very ill but I'm glad of it now

Best of luck, it's not easy 🌸

Hi @toule
That all sounds really hard and I can empathise. I am not a natural sahm and hated long periods with my kids when they were little. I found it totally unrewarding and exhausting and that's without burnout.

So - burnout. You need therapy. Get it sorted. Learn to recognise what led you to it, how you react to stress and how to prevent it happening again.

I'd gently suggest that you are perhaps channelling your inner perfectionist into your home and children now instead of your job. Please consider this.

Exhaustion - sleep train your kids. Put them in the same room if they are not already, bed time and story. Then lights out with a nightlight and spend a week if necessary putting them back to bed. Brutal but get a nice book to read on a kindle and camp out on the bottom of the stairs with a glass of wine. Cut out all this bullshit of lying down with them. Rope in your husband. He can put them back to bed overnight, they aren't being breastfed and in all likelihood will settle far faster for him. [personal exp and exp of many on MN]

Toys - reduce by 50%. Sort through all the outgrown stuff if it's still loitering and get rid. Take what's left and split it into sets. Week 1 or 1&2, Week2 or 2&3. Remove on a rolling cycle so they can only play with half or a quarter at any one time.
Ask the school what their tidy up routine is? There's usually a silly song or a dance and yes, you'll feel like a pillock but they'll start to learn. Or choose your own, teach them Yellow Submarine or something you like.

Husband - working hours are inescapable. Fine, that's life for lots of people but you are not getting any life outside your kids now. So figure out who gets Sat am and who gets Sun am. Spend the afternoons together as a family or do one day as a fam, the next split. Agree that means taking the kids out and feeding them lunch, not having them take random naps so they are a bleddy nightmare later on

Marriage - when did you both last go out together with a babysitter at home?

30 mins to school is not horrific, perfectly normal for lots but other than looking for a new home [possible choice if they will both be in the same school FT soon and will make your life easier when you go back to work especially if you are expected to do pick ups and drop offs?] can you arrange your days better so you have therapy close by on days where the little one is in nursery ? What can you do to reduce the sheer volume of drives? Any reason your DH can't drop them on his way to work? Really? What would happen if you were travelling for work and they were both in school? Self employed or not, he'd have to make it work?

OP it's nice to read your update, pleased you are beginning the road of feeling a bit better.

One thing has stood out and I may be out of line here, so please tell me to shut up if so. It was the line about making your children happy by buying them things and taking them out. This stuff doesn't make them happy long term. They need someone to provide food, love and shelter. Not loads of extra stuff and paid for fun. This might not have been what you meant so apologies if I have overstepped.

Long term, please look at your school situation. It really is a long way for little ones and them sleeping in the car won't be helping. It's also more time where you are tied into something.

Keep up the literal resting. Your body needs it.

30 minutes drive each way is insane, unless you live in the absolute middle of nowhere. Must be so much petrol used. I’d prioritise finding a nursery and school closer to home.

I get it op, i’m on mat leave with my second and i’m so exhausted and have totally lost myself as a person.

I would say do thinks that make life easier. No need to be doing food shops every day. Get online delivery.

Embrace the mess. The house will never be tidy/as you want it with kids that age. Spend less time on it during the day.

The big problem for me is your DH and his working hours. It sounds like he leaves the parenting solely up to you during the week and it’s unacceptable and draining. I would literally refused to have kids if my DH had been working those hours. Please have a proper talk with him.

It's healthy and normal to feel shit about the situation because it will hopefully force you to take action. Just being told everyone suffers isn't going to help you or your kids. You do have more options than most so it is unfortunate if you don't make changes. The 6ish years or so that are tough for you is a small % of the 80+ years you will live. But the most important development years of their lives. Put all your effort into getting and feeling better to the point you don't feel so negatively about them.

It's like in a bad relationship - you focus all your energy and efforts on it but neither you nor the partner are happy because something is just missing. You can break up and miss them terribly, then get back together and feel miserable remembering why you broke up. That's what it will feel like with your kids and similarly love doesn't automatically equal a positive or healthy dynamic. A loving parent-child relationship cannot come from a negative place no matter how focused on them you are.

Kids are sponges who feed off energy and emotion. No matter what you buy them or do for them - if it's done resentfully, impatiently or without a positive feeling, it won't feel good to them. And if you're burnt out and struggling, they will sense it and maybe become more needy/clingy/difficult.

The solution here is to get professional help and make changes with your DH. The same way you would for a work situation or where your hobby is concerned - if you weren't happy with your performance at work or doing as well as you wanted in your hobby, you'd make changes and take action right? No matter if other people were struggling to? You've had plenty of great suggestions - it's upto you what you do with them.

I’ve been a parent of <primary age children for nearly 30 years (large family) there have been times when I’ve loved and hated parenting. It depends on so many things, the kids behaviour/sleep, your support network, other commitments etc. you need to just accept this is how you feel and make what changes you can for yours and your family’s happiness.
For me sometimes that’s been totally giving up work and being full time at home with a baby/toddler/teenager, eg. had a baby who really struggled with childcare, difficulties sleeping and difficult juggle with work but we had a great time at home full time with lots of local friends and groups and DC napped for 2 hours each afternoon got time for myself too. At other times the kids going into full time childcare and me going back to work worked best, e.g during the pandemic with a very bored toddler who never napped and thrived in childcare. We were all much happier and started really enjoying the time we did have together. DH is quite career focussed so I’m not going to insist he starts doing stuff that we could pay someone for but we all accept there has to be a bit of compromise here and there and acceptance you can’t necessarily have money for fancy things plus pay for support needed.
Just prioritise doing things the way which make you, your DH and your children happy.

@renoleno my general feelings towards my kids are not negative. It's not fair to call it that.

It's just stressful sometimes !

Sorry to hear about your struggles.

I hope you find a way to balance everything somehow and find peace in your life.

I left my job for similar reasons.

Op if you're having a rubbish time mn can make it feel worse before it gets better. I remember asking for advice and being called all sorts I hadn't expected.

I think there's a lot of useful stuff in their but also it's opinions without fully knowing you or your situation.

I'd write down the useful stuff and re-read that, apply what you can and want to one step at a time. Dismiss the name calling etc.. Like you say it is difficult with two young kids. Everyone knows this but some people like games of I have all the answers, one upmanship, should ofs, life could be worse etc.. and others are well intended but might be oversimplifing things (perhaps my self included).

Hope it gets easier soon. Take care.

So what? That's not long at all, especially when you're where the OP is with burnout. It will do the kids no harm at all to spend more time in childcare in the short term, and can do OP a great deal of good by giving her the chance to rebuild herself. Your objection basically seems to be that women owe it to someone to either be working or child caring during every waking moment, which is a bullshit martyr mindset.

Her H, on the other hand, has totally opted out of family life, apparently for good. OP was still doing everything childwise when she was working, which is part of what has totalled her health.

Hope you're ok @toule

Please ignore the likes of KeyboardWhinger. Those of us who have been where you are understand and are here to support you.

Therapy, gentle exercise, compassion towards yourself, actively choosing rest whenever you can. You'll get there. Keep going

If you read my other posts I have suggested those things too… I’m just also thinking practically.

Do you have the spare income/savings to hire a temp housekeeper for a month? If you do, I’d do that and take that month to thoroughly reset.

Thanks. I worked out that some posters, including whinger, just want to cause upset and aren't actually helpful.

I presume deep down there is some resentment from them and they therefore feel the need to try to put me down even more, instead of being helpful.

I’m not sure why you feel I might be resentful - page 4 I eluded to having been in your situation and how I worked through it. I just firmly believe that one burnt out person shouldn’t burn out their partner as a means to recovery. It’s no good just moving the issue.

I wish you well OP and hope you have been able to take something useful from this post.