To just feel a bit down in the dumps and stuck in life with two young kids

[toule]

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I'm currently on a career break.

My H is away daily from 6 am until 8:30 pm.

The nursery run takes 1 hour each way. My eldest goes to a school nursery 5 days a week and my little one goes 3 days a week.

The weekends are spent doing play dates / birthday parties, Day trips and seeing family.

The days my kids are both in child care are spent catching up on laundry / cleaning / cooking / food shopping and going to the gym. I'm so lucky I have time to do those things and can stay off work for a while as I was suffering from pretty bad burn out before.

Anyway, I just feel stuck and down and so tied down. I know these are normal feelings but sometimes it feels pretty dark. I try not to feel / think about things and just get on with things, but the feelings get to me sometimes.

I sometimes get frustrated with my kids. I feel like they are the boss of me and everything I do is to try to avoid them screaming at me.

I know I'm so lucky, so I don't understand why I'm still struggling.

Well to be honest that's his life is with pre school age kids!
If you worked would you feel so 'stuck'?
To be honest half an hour is fine (mine lived half an hour away from school). I think you have a life many would envy. Get some hobbies in - you don't have to spend all your child free time doing chores.

Have you considered speaking to a GP to see if you are depressed? Or maybe a councillor to help process what you have been though? I think it sounds a little loanly with your H (noticed you didn’t say DH) out so much. There’s nothing wrong with feeling now you are feeling.

I hear you. Could you be busy but bored? Bored doesn’t just mean nothing to do.

I don’t think the kids are you issue. I agree with speaking to the GP and exploring private therapy.

Many people would love your life, but that doesn't mean you have to.

Have you tried a daily gratitude? Look round and be thankful.

Are there schools closer? I know your DD is settled there, BUT you're setting yourself up for years of this long commute and you already hate it. If it's unavoidable then you have no choice, but if there are closer options I'd be seriously considering them and moving now while it's only one young child to move.

Wait, you've got your kids at nursery all day and you're just at home? that does make any sense. Why would you not be at home with your kids doing stuff? unless you mean your kids at school?

How will you manage a 1 hour round trip to get the kids to school and pick them up again once you’re back at work? A 30 mins drive really is quite a long way away just for primary school. Is there a reason you didn’t choose one closer to home?

You have 3 days almost totally to yourself, you are able to pursue a hobby and plenty of time for house maintenance. Young kids are relentless no matter how “cushy” the set up, but I think being a SAHP just isn’t for you. Which is totally fine! I think you just want your non-mum identity back a bit.

I did before when I was working. I literally quit a few weeks ago. It's a slog but my DD loves it there and it's a great school.

I won't even answer this.

Maybe that's it then. Being stay at home mum is absolutely not for me. That's not my intention anyway. I needed a time out to look after myself a bit more. I'll start looking after summer for something a bit less high profile than what I was doing before and need to put more support in place so I don't burn out again.

It doesn't sound like this is much to do with kids. More like you don't know who you 'are' anymore because of being a SAHP.

Try out some new hobbies and go from there, new hobbies lead to complete career changes for loads of people. You might find your true calling. I've known someone start going to yoga classes and then two years later she's retrained as a yoga teacher. An allotmenter who became a garden designer etc

At that age, kids are adaptable and will move pretty easily. It'll be harder to do once she's in y2+.

You sound like you've gone from one extreme (work, burnout) to the other but still trying to fill your time.
What bad things will happen if you sit for half an hour?

It's hard work. Sound like you need help with childcare.

Can your husband help you?

Do you socialise? I was a sahm when my kids were little, and seeing friends with their children kept me sane.

Nothing bad will happen but I just like to feel like the house is tidy etc and there's always something to do. A lot has been neglected throughout my years of working full time. I could literally be busy doing something in the house everyday. So many drawers are a mess etc. it takes so much time.

I do a bit each day, cook, tidy up, food shop and then usually go down and play my sport or gym and then I pick them up.

I suppose now I have more time at home, I've set a higher standard for how my home should look.

Have you had any treatment for burnout?

I think you need to lower your home standards and find yourself again. Get involved with something outside the house.

I don't see myself as a stay at home parent.

I just see myself as someone who's having a break from work and will resume.

I know I'm technically a stay at home parent but don't see myself as that at all. I only just finished up working and I was working very hard for many years, full time. Husband never home. Everything on my shoulders.

Through the gym and my sport I socialise a bit. Like having a coffee after exercise, but that's about it.

You say you never sit down while dc are at school… surely you should get an hour or two to blob and watch crap tv? You’re recovering from a stressful job, let yourself recover.

I did feel similar when dc were little and was much, much happier with a part time job far less senior that I could leave at work. I was very good at it and accidentally climbed to a more senior position but my dc are at secondary now so I can. It’s fine to take time out.

prepare for grumpy dc - ensure they are not hangry or over tired because then it all implodes. What’s your home from school routine like? Mine liked a snack and cuddle on the sofa with CBeebies and I’d drink a cup of tea with them. (Sounds blissful and it was until dtd1 bites dtd2 🙄)

I haven't had any treatment.

I think I need to see a counsellor to deal with it all.

I do play a social sport outside of home. When I can, I do it every day.

This is how your post reads to me. Children - however much you love them - are boring and relentless, especially at that age. There comes a point for many of us when the them tune for In The Night Garden becomes interchangeable with a funeral march. That’s when you know you need a change. And if you had a professional burnout and used your kids to get some space, to me that’s like trying to put out a fire with lighter fuel. Equally exhausting. (I’m being lighthearted here, I know what you mean :-))

Yeah surely I should find time but I just feel like the day runs away with me and by the time I've gone to exercise and cooked etc, it's gone. Usually I put a show on while I'm cleaning. I'm just always bloody cleaning and tidying up. Just staying on top of it, is relentless.

Yeah I pick them up and then they watch some TV and have a snack. They don't stay interested in TV for long though and just start fighting with each other. It depends on the day. Then I try to give them dinner which they often refuse and then we do bath / story / bed time. We get home at around 4 and at the moment I'm really struggling to get them to sleep by 8:30 ! It's so late, I know. I'm really trying but they just won't sleep before that sort of time.

Are they dropping off in the car?

Can you have something prepared in the day to quickly feed them?

Baths don't need to happen every night.

How much cleaning and tidying can there be if most people are out all day?

You definitely need some veg out time to recover from the burnout.

@PeppaPigIsQAnon but that's why I've kept some child care going. There was no way I was going to go from professional mum burn out, to full time looking after both of them. No way. That was never going to be the answer.

Hence I've kept the older one in 5 days for preschool because she's going to start reception in September and is being prepared for that in preschool. The little one doesn't need to go to nursery, but he loves it and so I've kept him going for 3 days.

But in the end, I am looking after them a lot more. And it's so relentless ! I also now feel like I need to look after them more at weekends on my own to give my H a break etc. I always did all morning and night wakings anyway, but it's just all so relentless.