To just feel a bit down in the dumps and stuck in life with two young kids

[toule]

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I'm currently on a career break.

My H is away daily from 6 am until 8:30 pm.

The nursery run takes 1 hour each way. My eldest goes to a school nursery 5 days a week and my little one goes 3 days a week.

The weekends are spent doing play dates / birthday parties, Day trips and seeing family.

The days my kids are both in child care are spent catching up on laundry / cleaning / cooking / food shopping and going to the gym. I'm so lucky I have time to do those things and can stay off work for a while as I was suffering from pretty bad burn out before.

Anyway, I just feel stuck and down and so tied down. I know these are normal feelings but sometimes it feels pretty dark. I try not to feel / think about things and just get on with things, but the feelings get to me sometimes.

I sometimes get frustrated with my kids. I feel like they are the boss of me and everything I do is to try to avoid them screaming at me.

I know I'm so lucky, so I don't understand why I'm still struggling.

Yes I drive them.

Seriously, you'd think that there wasn't so much mess but I'll just give you an example of how it is right now.

I spent all weekend cleaning and tidying up after everyone. I went to bed last night and everything was spotless. Then today I've been at home with the little one and it's an absolute bomb site.

Now my husband has also had dinner and most of that stuff is left out. Toys everywhere.

I find it very very difficult to get housework done when my kids are around. Especially the two year old. I have to have my eyes on him constantly. So not a lot gets done. Now I'm tired and have headache and don't want to do it. So tomorrow after drop off, it will take me a good two hours to sort everything out and put away laundry.

That's how it goes.

Do you feel that you are maybe doing these chores very slowly?

I mean are they falling asleep in the car, sorry!

RE the mess, what's your storage like? Can you put some toys out of bounds so they can't make a mess?

The kids should be starting to tidy up a bit before bed now too, just a token effort of one small task but train them young.

Why can't your husband tidy up afeer himself? That's not on.

Top tip, never be home with little ones!! Really kill time at the park/playground etc.

Yes the 4 year old often falls asleep in the car after school. The little one doesn't, because he still has a nap.

Re tidying up, they just don't listen. Sometimes they'll do it half arsed. But it's more hassle than it's worth. But you're absolutely right that they should be doing that now. I just don't know how to get them to do it and sometimes I don't have the energy to try and convince them or to make it fun for them. It depends on the day. Today I had no energy to get them to do it. But I was up all night as my two year old was ill.

I’d have absolutely hated having to do pick up tea time and bed every single night. I would have gone mad and felt very lonely. Is your husband really not able to get home earlier or is he avoiding family life?

Are they eating cooked food at school/nursery? Just do crumpets, cucumber slices etc bits and pieces for tea, or pasta bake that you make in the day not when the dc are there, then you just heat it and eat at 5pm, bath at 6pm, out, dry, dance around to music while drying and getting pjs on, the story and bed, lights out by 7.30pm.

Maybe plan a routine with the older dc so they are part of the planning.

The problem isn't the kids. The problem is the fact that you're burnt out and not giving yourself chance to rest and recover. I can relate OP, I'm in a similar situation. Can you try to lower your standards re. housework and entertaining kids and prioritise some rest and self care, just for a while? You need to actively work to bring your nervous system down.

Oh and tidying- some quick storage you shove it in at the end of the day.

This too! Those hours are a slog. Don't underestimate how much it can wear you down.

Honestly, you need to find a purpose for yourself. Plenty of parents work and do school runs and ferry the kids to various clubs after work. I think you are down not because of the actual work needed, but you don’t have a goal in life.

I still feel super overwhelmed by them. I want to be able to enjoy them.

But almost feel more overwhelmed by them now than I did when I was working. That makes me really sad 😔

I used to pick them up at 5 and get them home for 6 pm. They were exhausted as that's a really long day. Also, school holidays, I didn't spend all day every day with them.

I just don't know why I find it so hard to look after them. It makes me so sad. I love them so much and I miss them when they're not here.

I'm dreading the weekend and the bank holiday Monday. I'll be on my own with them, again. I hate being on my own with them. It's so tiring.

This is so untrue. I literally stopped working a few weeks ago. I have goals in life. I'm just on pause for a few months. I would understand you saying that if I had never worked and didn't have any prospects or ambitions. This is not true. This is a time out, not a permanent life style.

It's difficult to know from what you've said exactly what the issue is.

Your life sounds quite well-balanced (for a parent of 2) but three things jump out to me:

1. where is your husband and how does he fit into all of this?

2. You feel your children are 'the boss' of you, which probably means the time you spend with them isn't very high quality.

3. The cleaning feels relentless.

There's something else, though, underpinning all of this - maybe it's because you don't have a job right now and feel you only inhabit the 'one world' (at home) which isn't satisfying...

How was your mood when you were working? And really how did you manage when the children were babies? because maybe this started quite a while ago.

It's possible you're depressed and like PPs have suggested maybe find someone to talk to, to help you unravel what's going on, and see your GP.

Thinking of you... x

Thank you. Really appreciate the understanding. It's very hard, always has been this way.

Work cannot change. Self employed and long commute. No work from home possibilities.

I know you say you stopped working. But maybe pick up something you want to do? Sounds like you didn’t love your job? Is there something you want to do for yourself?

I mean working for someone else or putting your life on hold to look after them isn’t doing something for yourself.

Honestly, I completely get where you're coming from because I feel very much the same. But I think if you tackle the burnout you might find things easier to handle. I'm taking small steps in that direction and noticing a difference in myself.

Try to let go of the need to be doing everything all the time and make time to relax, read, meditate, have a bath, do yoga, nap. Whatever replenishes you. It really does make a difference in your ability to cope.

Also remember to be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up for the way you're feeling. You've obviously been dealing with a lot and you need to give yourself time and space to mentally and physically recover from that.

I can relate to this of feeling objectively very lucky but struggling, feeling burnout and a bit hopeless with nothing much helping to get better. I sadly don't have any amazing tips but I wanted to say it does slowly get better. I was really burnout at work and felt like I kept trying to fix it with different strategies and that nothing was working but I think it just took a while to recover.

OP, do you think some of it could be down to what you imagined life would be like when you made the decision to take a work break?

It sounds like you had a high powered/stressful job where you probably yearned to have down time and spend wholesome and fulfilling time with your family, and that maybe the job was preventing you from living your best life. So you made the brave decision to take a break and your "best life" hasn't materialised. In some ways you've lost your work but you haven't gained anything - the time with the kids is hard work rather than additional joy (including the ferrying around etc), the house is no tidier, you're not seeing your H, it doesn't sound like you're seeing friends or family or have much of a support around you, so maybe it's a feeling of loss in some ways?

These early years truly are relentless and thankless but you are doing an amazing job!
I'm not surprised you're so exhausted and overwhelmed as you're pretty much solo parenting most of the week and having to deal with the kids during the most tricky times of the day (teatime and bedtime- the worst!)
Can you get a cleaner? That way you can replace some cleaning time with actual rest time.
I would also be trying my hardest to keep your eldest awake on the way home! I have a similar problem with my 3 year old but if I can avoid him napping I can get him to bed nice and early so I can enjoy the evening and have time to myself. Even a 5 minute doze in the car can keep him up till 9!

I think I still feel way better than I did when I was working. I was really in a very dark place.

I'm MUCH better now. I don't miss my job and I don't miss my work identity. As I don't see it like a loss. I'm recharging, that's all. I'll never be a stay at home parent full time. I've known that's not for me since my first child was born.

I just haven't found the right balance yet, I think. And I'm still healing and recovering.

Only last week I started crying at some of the things that were said to me when I left my job. I've been deeply stressed and wounded by what happened. I tend to push my feelings away and not deal with stuff ( who doesn't I guess ). But it's bubbling up sometimes.

I guess I would feel like I had more down time than I actually have. It still all feels like a relentless slog. Perhaps because I push myself too much and should just chill a bit during the day sometimes. Make the most of this time I have.

Well that's a positive - you're feeling better than you were.
It sounds like you've been through a really horrendous time that you're going to need time to get over and instead of being able to rest and heal, you're single-handedly running a house and parenting two young children. That's hard for anyone without burnout.
I think maybe you just have to take it day by day, week by week. Over time you will start to heal from work, but see if you can find little joys or ways to be kind to yourself to help things along. Do the minimum around the house, try to enjoy your kids and take them out places, maybe meet with other mums, get help where you can and maybe see if you can get a date night every now and then with H?
Best of luck to you OP, remember this too shall pass and you will be ok, just hang on in there xxxc

So sorry that you were treated so badly at work. I hear about this a lot. Maybe you might benefit from a good quality counsellor to talk to.

Can you do some of the laundry, food shopping, housework etc with your 2yo when you're at home together, or with them both after you've picked them up? Find the chores you can manage with them. Takes longer and can be quite frustrating but often they like "helping". Then you'll have more time for yourself when they're at nursery.
Maybe also try to plan some time out of the house when you're on your own, so you dont get sucked into tidying etc.
Sorry it does sound so exhausting at the moment. That 9-3 session goes by so much faster than a full day in nursery too! Hope things start to feel a bit better soon

You did make the choice to have three children though.