To just feel a bit down in the dumps and stuck in life with two young kids

[toule]

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I'm currently on a career break.

My H is away daily from 6 am until 8:30 pm.

The nursery run takes 1 hour each way. My eldest goes to a school nursery 5 days a week and my little one goes 3 days a week.

The weekends are spent doing play dates / birthday parties, Day trips and seeing family.

The days my kids are both in child care are spent catching up on laundry / cleaning / cooking / food shopping and going to the gym. I'm so lucky I have time to do those things and can stay off work for a while as I was suffering from pretty bad burn out before.

Anyway, I just feel stuck and down and so tied down. I know these are normal feelings but sometimes it feels pretty dark. I try not to feel / think about things and just get on with things, but the feelings get to me sometimes.

I sometimes get frustrated with my kids. I feel like they are the boss of me and everything I do is to try to avoid them screaming at me.

I know I'm so lucky, so I don't understand why I'm still struggling.

I think you need to find a way to enjoy your children. This could be a mindset shift on your part.

They are young and messy but make the effort to do something with them. It could be a bedtime story that you do together. Baking once a week (yes it’s messy! But keeps them busy). Going to the park. Turn loading the machine into a game.

I used to find ways to bring my DD into my life and sometimes, at the age of 4, I’d take her to museums or a resturant with friends. I know it’s hard but try to put some effort into “not being ruled by your kids”. I would feel miserable if I felt like this too.

How long does it take to get to nursery?

Perhaps you are feeling down because you feel you have lost your autonomy and identity. Its completely normal, and will pass, particularly once the kids are in school.

If your partner can't support you more, then look for some activities that stretch your mind that you can enjoy alone, during the day and perhaps part of the evening. It doesn't need to be outside your home.

There is no simple solution, just best compromises xx

It seems like you have just replaced your work with an intensive hobby. You need to see friends, do something in the community. Read a book, properly relax. No wonder you are still feeling awful, it seems you are running all the time and never allow yourself any time to simply relax. What are you running from?

You don’t realise how lucky you are that you get time by yourself when they’re both in nursery. My DP works away for weeks at a time, when mine are not with me I’m working

Toilet.I get it, You are missing connections with other adults. I have been in a similar position, are most of your Friends working .I don't know how long you will stay at home, but a dog is a great way of meeting people, and great company, Rather than committing to buying one maybe offer some dog walking .the cinnamon Trust have older people's dogs liking a walk now and then .

Toule I meant!

It seems like you are filling up your time with being busy. You need to actively prioritise relaxing, and on getting to the bottom of why you experienced burnout. Do what you need to do to relax - set a specific day or window of time when you have to chill out. It doesn't matter if the house is messy - so long as it's not on fire just chill out!

It also sounds like your husband is largely absent and so all of the mental load is on you. Why is that? What would he do if you split - he would still need to do some level of housework / childcare. So why isn't he contributing more?

Yeah sorry but that distance is silly. Find somewhere closer. What do you do all day when they are both in nursery?

Is it a private school or something? Our school is 10 minutes away. Unless you are very rural you should pick a school where you can walk to it with your kids.

I agree with this, and also what @NachoChip says.

It sounds like you need to treat yourself very kindly and gently, recognising that you are in recovery from an awful situation and that is going to take time, possibly quite a lot of time to process.

I hear you on the relentless tidying and cleaning but if you can, try to let some of that go for now. There's a book I read called "How to Keep House While Drowning" that made sense to me. Also methods designed to fit around real life and other commitments - the organised mum method and her "clean alongs" and Dana L White with "a slob comes clean".
Not that I'm saying you should have to focus even more on cleaning/tidying but some of those methods are quite gentle and help you feel more in control without taking over- all about doing what you can with the time and energy you have rather than going at stuff full pelt.

Mostly though it sounds like you almost need to treat the period you're in at the moment as sick leave, rest and recuperation, to get over the awful job situation and feel more on an even keel. Which means treating yourself kindly and dropping many of the "shoulds" about parenting and housework and focusing on bare minimum/survival for the time being. I hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon - burn out from work stress is real and it will take some time to process.

The responses telling the OP she is lucky are both insensitive and ignorant.

I have a not dissimilar problem, @toule . My husband is regularly out before the children wake up and back after they are both asleep. It’s an incredibly long, lonely day. I have never mastered the MN art of cleaning with children around either.

I do think you’re probably right that you haven’t got the balance quite right. I do also know that last year I couldn’t wait for my maternity leave to start. It began at 37 weeks and my eldest child continued to go to nursery for three days and I was so very excited to have a bit of time to myself. In reality I unexpectedly found myself a bit depressed. DH decided to WFH in that time which made me feel like I was in the way in my own home and all in all I felt a despondency I hadn’t anticipated. I am still not sure what prompted it but I sympathise hugely.

When kids are home all day, they are going to make a mess. If they were in daycare, that mess would be AT daycare. So don't be surprised by the mess.

A daycare worker once told me she admired that I was quitting work to stay home with my kid. I looked at her a bit mystified because... she spends all her day taking care of kids? She said, it's totally different because at the end of the day, she goes home to her quiet house with no little kids in it. Working at a daycare is also structured by the daycare routine and regulations. So that is actually protective for the worker. There is a support system: other staff who share the load, mandated sick days, actual pay, trainings, and so on. You have other adults to talk to during the day (this is huge). You have other adults, trained in child development, to help troubleshoot if a child is having difficulty and so on. If you need to go to the bathroom, you call the front desk and they send someone down to your room to keep things in ratio so you can go to the bathroom in peace. So daycare is just a totally different environment from the POV of the adult. A SAHM has no support, often no training, gets no sick days, has no one to share the load, never goes to the bathroom alone, and so on.

I think in your case you probably need to set aside some time each day to rest and do nothing. Not your sport. Not cleaning. Nothing. Schedule it into your day, the same way you would for a doctor appointment.

I also learned a trick from a happy SAHM, which is that you don't always have to do the things your kids want. Sometimes you can do the things YOU want. This woman used to read Pride and Prejudice to her toddler as a bedtime story. Her favorite music became her child's favorite music, her favorite books became her child's favorite books (G-rated books only, obviously). Have you always wanted to learn to make a bundt cake? Your kids are about to also learn how to make a bundt cake. Do you want to learn how to paint landscapes? So do your children. Kids just generally want to hang around with their parents. If you can tolerate imperfection (their bundt cakes may be inedible) then you can still have fun together.

@toule You’re burnt out. You’ve quit a big job because of burn out. You need to put your time and energy into recovering.

No one can enjoy their kids when they’ve burned out, no one at all. You’re not physically capable of coping with everything and enjoying time with preschoolers, because you’re sick. You need to get better.

You are not going to recover with your current approach. You will continue feeling like this for a long time. It is not possible to recover from burn out by filling your time with all the things you should have been doing whilst you were burning out.

So, ignore all the school/travel/dinner/tidying tips. This is bigger than that. You and your husband need to make a plan for you to recover, with whatever external support you can manage to get. If you had broken a leg, or had surgery that needed 12 week recovery, you wouldn’t be approaching it like you are now. That’s how you need to be thinking. You are broken and you need to get better. You’re managing to exercise which is great for you, keep that up.

Now, where is your husband in all of this? He doesn’t get to keep the status quo whilst his wife is broken. Why are his dinner dishes out for you to clear the next day? If he can’t reduce his hours what else can you both arrange? Nursery more for the little one? Go back to picking up at 5pm for a while?

I know the mum guilt of burnout and having the free time but not being able to engage with your kids. Been there. It was the worst time of my life. Keep posting.

One little job for you today. Call the doctor and get an appointment, even if you don’t know what to say. You’re sick but you will get better.

As an aside, without burnout, I’d have gone stir crazy doing pickup up, dinner, bath and bedtime alone every night and then you’re talking about giving your husband free time on a weekend! Give yourself a break. You’ll be fine but you need a bit of time.

Personally with that much free time I would potter around the house and relax. Watch TV and listen to podcasts. Should be plenty of time to do something for yourself.

I do realise I'm lucky- which I said in my Op- or did I not say that ?

Also, I'm only lucky because I've worked hard to be able to do what I'm doing. I am also lucky because I've spent years putting myself second and enabling my H to build his business. I'm lucky because I've put the work and suffering into my family. It didn't all come over night. A lot has been sacrificed for me to be in this position.

I'm also recovering from a very difficult situation and I have serious health problems on top of that ( which I didn't feel I needed to mention in my OP). Some people wouldn't even attempt to work with the disease I have.

In addition to the poster saying ' what do you do all day '.. I've already said it, read please if you want to know. I'm busy and never bored.

It's not much, once everything is done and I've done my hobby.

You say you never sit down during the day when the kids are in nursery. Why? You're recovering from burnout, a few hours watching Netflix might be just the tonic.

Maybe do the hobby on certain days and relaxing at home other days? You need to not do much if recovering from burn out. Sitting in a cafe looking out the window is a good thing to do.

Presuming they were all planned you could have picked bigger gaps and got yourself more time to yourself.

I think you need to allow yourself to chill out. And also come to terms with what has happened at work. Therapy can help - don’t delay it.

Start slowly and allow yourself an hour a day to completely relax. Meditation, a gratitude diary, a bath with spa music, a massage, yoga (yin is particularly beneficial for burnout)

Can DH do bath and bed any nights? When he does allow yourself to relax, socialise, take up a new hobby.

I find less stuff = less stress. Can DH book some time off (a few days) and you both have a big clear out of all those drawers that are making you feel stressed. Get rid of most of the crap you’re having to clear up every day. Can you get a cleaner? Or make a deal with DH you tidy, they clean on their days off or vice versa. My husband leaves for work at 7am, he empties the bins, empties the dishwasher, puts a load of laundry on, wipes down worktops and hoovers the kitchen every day before work (takes him 15 mins). Make simple meals, pasta bake or homemade pizzas or traybakes of meat/fish potatoes and veg take 5 mins to prep then you can leave them to oven cook, also only one pan used. Do you have a dishwasher/tumble dryer etc? You really need to take the load off. No one needs to be cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for hours a day.

Op could you get a cleaner to help take the load off you? Mine does the beds and irons too.

I suffered from burn out, my two are a similar age to yours and my husband is pretty absent. He is available maybe one day a fortnight to us. Its hard. I worked with a counsellor that identified what helped me and what was making things worse. For me, I realised I needed to reduce my working hours and prioritise my exercise (it helped my anxiety) so I made things happen to accommodate that.

It strikes me that although you’ve quit work you still sound very much on a treadmill, packing your day full of things to do. I would set aside an hour a day to stop. So you use the gym, can you listen to a book in the spa, or take a walk in nature, make it optional. If you feel like sitting down reading or watching shit TV do that.

You sound like your mindset hasn’t slowed down.

It’s hard to deal with the kids when you’re burnt out. I now love my days at home with my youngest. They’re our slow days. I make sure I take him to a playgroup or a walk to have quality time just enjoying his company. Same with the eldest, take them to the park, swimming etc.

Also what about a meal service like hello fresh, simply cook (meal boxes) or gusto, just to take some of the load of planning and shopping off. I use those too, I feel like I’ve perfected the art of peace in parenting now. Money definitely helps as all the things that help, the gym, the gym creche, the cleaner obviously cost. But it sounds like you’re in that fortunate position too.

I have also found a nanny (as opposed to a babysitter) and started booking a date night once every 1-2 months with my husband which has helped. She can also help work adhoc evening childcare so I can socialise - would that help?

@WithACatLikeTread yeah maybe. Today is a good example. I'm so tired. My 2 year old has been really ill. I've been kept up at night the last few days.

The house is a mess, as he was home with me yesterday and I just can't clean properly with them at home, unless I properly neglect them. They just always want my attention and cling to my legs. Especially the 2 year old. I could barely make a coffee just now, he was crying because he wanted me to pick him up and cuddle him. Now he's sitting on me and wanting to hold onto my neck. I wonder if he's actually not over his illness like I thought yesterday. He's extra clingy when he doesn't feel well. So, maybe no nursery today. Of course all sick stuff falls on me. Just like before when I worked.

Anyway point being, even if I do send him to nursery. I will get back home for 9, straighten up the place, cook for the day and then, should I go to tennis - which is 30 minutes away too, at 11 ? I usually would force myself to go. Then I'll be finished at 12:30 and come home for 1 pm. Find some other job to do in the house that's been neglected - like the recycling and tidy up another few drawers that are a mess and then at 3 I leave to pick them up. I'm tired today, so I may give tennis a miss. It's also the driving that takes up a lot of time in my day. If things were a little closer, it would be easier. My normal gym is 15 minutes away, but my tennis class today is further away.

Anyway, I'm a terrible napper, otherwise I would love to nap today. I need it. I'm sleep deprived, but I just can't nap easily.

I have a cleaner once a week. But it just touches the edges. There's always stuff to do.