To just feel a bit down in the dumps and stuck in life with two young kids

[toule]

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and I'm currently on a career break.

My H is away daily from 6 am until 8:30 pm.

The nursery run takes 1 hour each way. My eldest goes to a school nursery 5 days a week and my little one goes 3 days a week.

The weekends are spent doing play dates / birthday parties, Day trips and seeing family.

The days my kids are both in child care are spent catching up on laundry / cleaning / cooking / food shopping and going to the gym. I'm so lucky I have time to do those things and can stay off work for a while as I was suffering from pretty bad burn out before.

Anyway, I just feel stuck and down and so tied down. I know these are normal feelings but sometimes it feels pretty dark. I try not to feel / think about things and just get on with things, but the feelings get to me sometimes.

I sometimes get frustrated with my kids. I feel like they are the boss of me and everything I do is to try to avoid them screaming at me.

I know I'm so lucky, so I don't understand why I'm still struggling.

Today was such a huge struggle again !! It's getting worse. Maybe they're going through a phase.

I also had a full on day with school activity, then sport, then doctor, then quick food shop, then pick up my 4 year old.

As soon as I picked her up, she wanted to get a treat. We've gotten into the habit of stopping at the petrol station and getting her a treat while I pick up some essentials.

Anyway, we did that yesterday too and she ate way too much and then didn't want dinner. She then woke me up at 2:30 saying she was hungry. So I gave her something to eat. I could not get back to sleep after that until maybe 4:30 ( I have really bad insomnia ). Then my little one woke me up at 5, asking for milk. So I went and got him some. He then had a tantrum because he didn't want us to sleep in his room, he wanted to sleep in bed with me and his sister. I wanted to just sleep with him, as it's more comfortable for both of us.

Anyway when I picked up my 4 year old, she wanted to get a treat and when I told her we are not going today she started having a tantrum pretty much the whole way home in the car. Then when she's screaming, her brother screams too.

We got home and had a good 15 - 30 minutes of them going nuts and screaming in the house. Hanging off me and fighting each other for the best position to be held by me. I was holding them both but they weren't happy in their positions. I kept it together and comforted them etc.

Then later, they wanted me to show them my guitar but just started hammering it with beach ball rackets. I told them to stop etc, they wouldn't stop and that's when I lost it and just started shouting at them. I hold it together but eventually I just snap and shout. And then I feel like the worst person ever. I hate it and it keeps happening.

I'm just on edge all the time. They are literally driving me insane and I just don't know what to do. They're always up to something / making a mess / not listening. Always. They're not calm kids and I'm not a calm mum and I just don't know how to turn it around. I want to be a good mum who's not hysterical. Why am I like this ? I don't even work anymore ? ? I just don't get it at all.

I called my H and had a cry. He didn't say much, so I screamed at him as well, for saying nothing.

I do have my period. I always feel worse when I have my period, but still. Shit day.

Oh OP that is tough.

I really think you need to change the school. 2 hours driving a day isn't good for you or them. It would also man you don't nip into the garage and get treats. You've unintentionally created an expectation in your child for something.

Why are you food shopping daily?

How did the doctors go?

Oh dear, I really feel for you. It sounds like you need help and support in establishing routines and strategies. You clearly have burn out and need time to recuperate.
So:
You don’t need to be giving DH a break at weekends, unless it’s reciprocated. I would bet good money that DH gets breaks during his day at work if he is out of the house for so long. He probably gets time for gym/ exercise as well as coffee/chat/lunch breaks or meetings.If you are not coping, you need to put yourself first. If he is not getting enough time at weekends, maybe he can arrange for more help.
You don’t need to be dragging whining children to do the shopping. Get it online.
You can prepare a quick snack for in the car on the way home.. fruit and water or milk.
Get the children outside as much as possible after school/ nursery- they are much calmer if they have had time running around in the fresh air.
Do whatever is necessary ( sing, chat) to keep them awake in the car.
Start moving bedtime to 730, that means bedtime routine finished by then, with both in bed . 830’is too late, no wonder you are stressed. I would say walk/park till about 5, then home for dinner and bath, story and bed.
Batch cook for the children’s food, get a cleaner or clean around them. Don’t do it in your child free time. Get them helping rather than having more time zoning out in front of a screen.
Get strict on rude or tantrum behaviour. Separate them if they are fighting. Reward kind thoughtful behaviour.
Can I ask why is DH working such long hours and leaving you to struggle?

Oh OP I’m sorry. It does sound like a shitty day! I have loads of those days too and I’m also mostly at home (with a very PT job) and kids 1 & 2 in preschool three days a week. Still feel like I’m drowning and I start each day with great intentions but by 4.30pm I’m frazzled and shouty and just want the kids to go to BED. They both also cause utter carnage in the house within 10 minutes and it feels pointless cleaning most of the time.

I think you’re finding it difficult though because you’ve just come out of a really stressful situation with work and you’ve not quite found your rhythm at home yet.

Things that work for me (but I constantly fall off the wagon) are to tidy every single night the kitchen, lounge and kids crap. Get a giant tub and just throw their toys in. Don’t bother with any display toys. I find waking up to a tidy house sets me off for a much better day.

Find stuff that your kids are reliable at eating (mine is spaghetti bolognaise and homemade fish cakes) so make massive portions, lots of freezer bags and just defrost one every evening for them.

Online shopping and food plan- ballache but it really does help.

Finally, I also love my kids but find a whole day with them around 90% awful and about 10% joy. Definitely use the time they are in nursery as time for you. Not for housework.

I really feel for you. I am like you on a few months career break after a very demanding job, and little ones who go to nursery three days a week.

I am only finding my balance and enjoyment now, 4 months after starting my 1 year break and like you, I was wondering what was wrong with me and why I didn't feel more grateful! Like you, my house was pristine and I could write a PhD on all the schools around to enroll my kids in reception next year but at what cost. It's just replacing an obsession by another one (let me guess, you're a high achiever and perfectionist?) while feeling guilty because why oh why are you not enjoying it more.

The truth is; you need some variety in your life. So no, filling your days with "should" (clean, do my sport, tidying, etc) is not a good way to appreciate your time both with and without kids.

Instead, make it your mission to build a network. We need a village, it is a million times easier and much more enjoyable to go to the park with another adult and their child and let your kids run around while having an actual conversation than it is to be alone with your children. Reach out to other mums, organise a party if need be where you invite their preschool class, get out of your isolation. You will also realise all other mums are struggling to a degree, however calm their kids are or their working arrangements.
Things are immensely better when you do that, I promise, from experience!

You sound like a great mum, shouting from time to time does not make you a bad mum, just a tired one.

Excellent advice by @DelphiniumBlue amd i really, really second the park after nursery everyday, game changer, my little ones bed time has naturally shifted from 8.30
to 7.30 thanks to that and i can veg out in front of greys anatomy.

If you've just quit your job after severely burning out, I'm not surprised you are still feeling crap. You wouldn't magically recover that quickly just from quitting. Have you had any therapy or been to the GP about burnout? Also if you're burnt out, being so busy you don't sit down in the day doesn't sound very restful. Is there any kind of relaxing activity you could try? Like reading or something? Something that is fun but makes you sit down and rest a bit?

Op that's sad. I'd say a tantrum after you change a habit is typical. But it's tough nevyou got into it and so changing it feels unfair. I'd say take a piece of fruit and even a babybel say yoy think this is better and why. It won't initially work but it takes the edge off.

Second, if a 4 year old wakes up hungry at 2:30 I'd be saying this isn't happening again, eat dinner next time. Also waking up at 2:30 isn't due to not eating dinner but not getting enough nutrition particularly protein in the day. Actually if they are a ham sandwich in the car and no junk I could bet you they wouldn't want up even if they had hardly any dinner.

Finally if they bash your guitar this is absolutely violation of a boundary. Mine throws tantrums but knows deliberately breaking someone's stuff is way too far. Do you know what is causing this behaviour?

The minute the baseball bat went near it I'd put it away and/or grab the bats. Say we do not break things. This is important to me and we do not damage it. Then I would either say the bats at going away (in the loft) until I'm sure this won't happen again. Or I'd explain I want to be able to trust them to see such things but if I feel I cannot they will not get to touch them. Or no new toys for x time.

I worry you seem 'defeated' and almost depressed.

We all have tough days but it sounds pretty typical. This was the point I was making but you might have found unhelpful on the first page. You just need to learn new strategies to better manage your kids.

Stop with the treats at the petrol station - you have 3 kid free days per week, just get organised and get your essentials when the kids aren’t with you. You need to instil some
boundaries - that is an entirely self made issue. I am clear before we go to the shops whether they can get a treat and what sort of treat they can have. Tbh is more hassle than it’s worth letting them so mostly they don’t get one. I say we’re going for “x, y and z” and that’s that. They accept it if you keep it up.

Cook dinner whilst the kids aren’t with you.

Get them outside to play or read/play with them.

Use earbuds if the noise is too much.

With the kids in childcare for the length of time they are I would focus on being present when you collect them, giving them your attention and just being with them. Not shopping, essential cooking etc. Do those things when you just have one child or childfree. Look at being present rather than a chore.

Look at their daytime sleep if nighttime is an issue. Maybe offer a snack before bed - I give mine peanut butter on toast or wheatibix when they say they’re hungry. If sleep is a big issue maybe try a sleep consultant?

I don’t agree that your DH shouldn’t get down time too - but maybe spilt the weekends a bit so you share the load.

Definitely speak to someone re your mental health. I suspect that needs attention first and foremost.

How is it going today @toule ? Got a plan for this afternoon, this weekend. (And when I say plan, I actually mean building in fixed periods of nothing as well as stuff)

Thanks so much for asking.

Today I'm just with my little one. It's been a pretty stressful morning, as it's just been raining so much and we had a play group thing to attend and basically the location meant it wasn't worth going home after school drop off. So we went to the supermarket and then had to entertain him in the car. He was having so much fun playing in the car that he then had a tantrum because he needed to sit in his car seat again. Then he fell asleep. I had to then wake him as it was time to go to the play group. He wasn't happy. Then I needed the loo when we got there. I took him in with me, but he wanted to open the door and therefore flipped out in there. Massive tantrum and hitting the door until I finished.. we did the play group. He refused to go to the toilet before hand, even though he was touching down there and clearly needed to go. So eventually he wet himself there, of course. Tantrum on the way out as well of course haha. Life with a two year old ! Pretty standard !

I've slept really badly all week. Just very very interrupted sleep. Some days I'm up from 4 am or earlier. Today I feel so worn out, I've been up since 3:30.

Yesterday I did all laundry and tidying and cooking in the morning, then played tennis for 2 hours and then picked up my kids. As soon as we got home, I took them to the garden for just over an hour, then they had dinner, bath and bed time. I put them to bed at 7:30 pm and they were just messing around until after 8 pm. Neither of them can fall asleep without me there, so the three of us lie in bed until they fall asleep.

They fight about who can be next to me, so I have to go in the middle. I love my kids, but it's suffocating. They both want to lie on me and then they accidentally hurt me with their elbows etc.

This is all normal ! I'm sure all mums relate to this. I did end up getting extremely frustrated when I was trying to get them to sleep, but I didn't shout at them.

I feel really worn out. The lack of sleep is not helping. I've suffered from insomnia for years unfortunately. I could sleep right now, I'm so exhausted.

What does your husband have to say about it all? It sounds like it’s not much of a partnership.

Pay to put them in childcare FT and spend the day sleeping, seriously. You need to rest and recover. Fuck the housekeeping. Two hours of tennis is madness. Take the time. Put you first, for the love of God.

Just read all updates. I think mainly you're exhausted and this affects our perception of everything else.

Your 2 year old sounds pretty typical. But you have no boundaries with your 4 year old. Mine wouldn't ask for food in the night. He's known since age 2 that's not a thing. We eat our dinner and I remind him there's no food until breakfast. He knows what treats or not to expect from shops. If he gets angry he knows you can shout you can't break things. You need to set out certain things aren't acceptable and let them whine in the short term for a better life in the medium-term.

However night wakings and early mornings are typical. But your husband isn't there or helping. Fair enough but he doesn't then deserve a break at the weekend does he? He should take the kids to softplay or birthday parties whilst you sleep. Also why is everything out after he's had dinner. Unless he's looking after the kids that shouldn't be the case.

I think since stopping work you've realised how unhappy you are at home but I think mainly youre exhausted and lacking company and support. You need some boundaries to prioritise rest. Two kids close together without support is difficult.

You drive 30 mins for a school DC likes, could she like one closer to home?

If you can afford it get a cleaner. Your husband seems to have a lot of boundaries he can't seem to budge, you need to think about what you want and how to achieve it.

Thanks for your thoughts. I've made a huge effort since I posted to change a few things.

No more trips to the petrol station or shop after school unless it's required and when we are there, no snacks. It seems to have been accepted. It only took a couple of times of saying NO, for the complaining to stop. Same for the 2 year old. He got into the habit of requesting milk when we came in from nursery and having a tantrum if I didn't give him any. I would only give him a tiny bit, to shut him up- but that still meant he wasn't really hungry to eat his dinner.

I've been really firm with this with both of them, as I was struggling to get them to eat their dinner. Now they're eating and I'm much happier. I may give a snack and milk before bed, but that's it.

Funnily enough my 4 year old did wake up last might and say she was hungry but I told her there's no food and she just fell asleep again

Other things I've changed is that I am not forcing myself to be out of the house and out and about constantly as much. Yesterday I just went back to bed and lay down for most of the time they were at nursery, as I just wasn't feeling so good.

I still think I actually need more time to recoup than I have. I can always add an extra day here and there for my little one if I really need it.

I definitely feel a bit better and I've been getting angry less. But sometimes I do still get angry. Like when they just don't want to go to sleep and mess around.

I think generally, it's still a lot on me. I just wish I had company in the evenings. It would be nice if my mum could come over for dinner or something but she lives abroad. Weekends is also a lot just on me. I get up with them, cook all the meals, do all the cleaning etc.

Someone said I don't do the bulk of their care and that's what I'm stressed. But I do look after them a fair amount.

Also our bed time routine drives me insane. I have to lie in between them until they go to sleep ( in a double bed ). I read a few stories and sometimes they don't want to sleep ! Last night until 9 pm. I had been up there since 7:30. I just don't know how to get them to go to bed earlier.

I've also been taking them into the garden to play for an hour or two after they come back, but still bed time is so hard some days. I also turn screens off at least an hour before bed. I don't know how to solve this one.

What an odd comment.

Great post!

@toule well done! Glad you have already had results.

It helped me think of it as a long game, how would I like for example bedtime to look in six months time and work towards that.

Sometimes you have to temporarily sacrifice comfort - lying on the bed, for sitting in a chair but the long game is a quicker bedtime.
Hugs and cuddles can be a big part of daytime by the evening I was very much feeling touched out and bored so don't feel you are sacrificing quality time.

The way you handled the snacks and tantrums - brilliant, keep going.
Occasionally I find old threads from my toddler years, it seems a lifetime ago, it doesn't last for ever so just keep pushing through the grim bits.

It seems like you need medical/professional help to learn coping mechanisms and work through the burnout. A lot of women have a very idealised view of what raising children is like - particularly if they are in full time work and then move to longer days with them. But if you're struggling for even a few hours a day to spend time with your kids - it's likely because you're overwhelmed and not sure how to do it. Working a job is much easier because everyone is an adult (unless you're a teacher!) and you can be in control/call the shots/not need to compromise as much. There's obvious rules to discipline protecting you from yelling/abuse etc. Not the same with kids - they have their own personalities and do not have the communication skills or emotional regulation an adult would.

Try approaching them with empathy and see the world through their eyes rather than an adults. They don't scream, fight, demand food to be dicks or malicious - there's always a reason that's hard to pinpoint because they can't tell you. I don't think a child waking up in the middle of the night feeling hungry and being sent back without to give you calm is healthy. Kids can and do fall asleep on an empty stomach, even malnourished kids sleep through the night. So you have to figure out, do they just want more connection/attention from you, are they really hungry/eating enough for a child (not an athletic adult) or is it something else.

As for DH, if he finishes work at 6.30pm why can't he help with bedtime if it's 8.30-9pm? Can he reduce his hours or come home early and carry on wfh after bedtime? Can you get a cleaner in or meal packages? The house doesn't have to be clean or tidy all the time - I personally think if you're feeling like cleaning all the time, it stems from boredom/restlessness/feeling out of control in your life/anxiety - all of which can be treated.

You're a mum now which means you owe it to your kids and yourself to get the help you need rather than struggle alone and start resenting your kids even more. Kids are tough and can be boring but if all you want is for them to be quiet or sleep and aren't learning about their little personalities and needs (not just putting them under the blanket of difficult) - you'll never connect with them more meaningfully. It's still early days and you can change this dynamic or at least find a solution where you enjoy parenting and life more than you are atm.

The waking up in the night thing isn't a regular thing for my 4 year old. It's happened twice in the last 6 months to a year.

My husband doesn't come home at 6:30 pm. He comes home at 8:30-9 pm, so he can't really help much with bed time.

Your dh's working hours do not work for your family. I'd sit down and talk about that because its the hours between the kids coming home and going to bed that you are finding particularly relentless. Also you are falling into the trap of thinking because you are home more it means you have to be the lead parent on the weekend. That shouldn't be the case if the kids are in bed when he gets in. When does he parent? Can he take some leave, change hours for a short period of time?

You aren't recuperating because you aren't using time away from the kids to relax. Instead you are filling your childfree time with household chores and everything else. Instead some of that time needs to be used on counselling, cbt or a trip to the Gp. You've left full time work recently because of burnout or a crisis and if you intend to go back to work in some form then you both need to discuss and work out a plan for getting you better.

I experienced similar, related to my job and dh and I worked together to make sure I had at least one day a week to do counselling and I found time to do my cbt everyday. It helped enormously and I started working again (went self employed) after 3 months. We worked together to make it happen because support in a marriage is more than just financial.

What about having the kids in childcare full time but going back to work part time so you still have time to do what needs doing around the house and rest. I found enjoyed the time did have with them, weekends etc much more when we had this set up and enjoyed the variety of working part time too. Obviously it wasn’t the cheapest option but gave up other things to enable this

Your DH can amend his hours or find a more flexible job. You can seek additional help. That's a much easier ask than feeling resentful/tired/irritated and expecting your children to alter their behaviour to offer you respite. You and DH are the adults here who can take the initiative to change things if they're not working. They're already in nursery most of the day, hardly see or spend time with their father, and their mother is burnt out and struggling with them emotionally - as tough as you have it, it's not a walk in the park for them either.

Well I clearly don’t agree. That is my experience. If you want to see someone getting sh*t done find a women who has no choice but to hunker down and care for the kids.

Have a look into some articles on intense exercise not actually being a way to de-stress.

if your burned out from your job, have two little kids and doing a high adrenalin inducing hobby you might just be making things worse.

maybe look at pulling back and doing something less intense like yoga and really tackling your burnout. You don’t just automically recover from that, you may need to consider therapeutic intervention