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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you fight for your man?

175 replies

IAmThe1AndOnly · 29/04/2024 07:03

Conversation with DP about people who become attracted to someone else during the relationship.
He said that if he ever became attracted to someone else surely I would fight for him? I laughed and said that if that happened she would be welcome to him.
He seemed surprised, god knows why given he knows I have never been the type to feel I need a man.

So would you?

OP posts:
Emmerald · 29/04/2024 12:08

The only woman that I know who referred to her husband as "My (his name)" was either blissfully unaware, or chose to ignore, his many dalliances which the entire office knew of (some of his affairs were with her colleagues!)

And no. If I would not do the "pick me" dance. Let him discover what he had casually thrown away later.

Hadalifeonce · 29/04/2024 12:08

Perhaps he sees the 'pick me dance' as a bit of an ego boost.

Nicebloomers · 29/04/2024 12:12

Did you ask him if he’d ‘fight’ fir you should the situation be reversed?

WaltzingWaters · 29/04/2024 12:13

Not a chance. If he were tempted to throw away our relationship over someone else, they’re welcome to him.

Freakinfraser · 29/04/2024 12:13

SOBplus · 29/04/2024 11:21

I fight for my partner every day, not because of someone else but because I don't want to take the relationship for granted and want to be better for them (stay fit, do something nice/unexpected, try to be nicer and more helpful, etc - fight that way).

Edited

Wouldn’t you do that as standard and for you? When you say you want to be better, do you mean better than the real you? Or if not better than what?

it all sounds a bit desperate and exhausting and really sad even though the things are positive for you , if you didn’t do these things would he dump you? Is that why you class it as a fight every single day to keep him?

LightSpeeds · 29/04/2024 12:16

No. Once his eyes are on someone else, good riddance!

InSpainTheRain · 29/04/2024 12:26

I think people have to be true to their feelings. If DH wanted to go off and be with someone else then why fight - because it probably wouldn't be a great relationship afterwards as he didn't want to be in it!

He either stays of his own free will and we love each other and are happy, or if one breaks that a split is best.

bringmorewashing · 29/04/2024 12:26

Ha. I think some men fantasise about having women fight over them!

I'd be helping him pack.

OhmygodDont · 29/04/2024 12:27

Nope if he wants to leave his welcome to. I wouldn’t stop him or beg him to stay. What’s the point, he wouldn’t be here because he wanted to be at that point and would find another reason later on anyway again.

Newestname002 · 29/04/2024 12:31

@IAmThe1AndOnly

If my partner decided that he was more interested/invested in someone other than me, I'd be assuming he wanted to end the relationship with me.

I hope I'd be able to get clarification with him about how he feels about the other person vs me (especially if we had children together, entangled finances etc) but my trust in him would certainly be affected and, at the very least, I'd take steps to ensure that I was in a good financial and mental position to live my life without him in it except, eg, where contact with children was concerned.

His is actually a silly and, potentially, dangerous game to play as the results may well not be what he was hoping for. 🌹

ManchesterLu · 29/04/2024 12:35

One thing he can't take away from me is my pride. If he decided he wanted to leave and go to somebody else, I wouldn't be begging him to stay. Not a chance.

Beautiful3 · 29/04/2024 12:49

Nope.

5128gap · 29/04/2024 12:50

Under no circumstances. Its very important to me to know that my partner wants to be with me, as I am, and no one else. The thought that he preferred someone else or thought the grass might be greener elsewhere or worse had the audacity to imagine he could play me off against someone else would be the death knoll for me.

MadameDeLaRue · 29/04/2024 12:50

Never.

PinkiOcelot · 29/04/2024 12:50

No.

Overtheatlantic · 29/04/2024 12:53

As much as I love Dolly Parton her song “Jolene” has this vibe and message. Hate it.

Sunnyday777 · 29/04/2024 13:02

Nope, I’d fight if we were having a rocky patch through something other than infidelity, if we hadn’t been putting effort into the relationship for example and things were just coasting. However, even then it would need to be a 2 way thing and to see him putting effort in too.
For a man to have his head turned and not know which lucky, lucky lady would get him as the prize? Nah, she’s welcome to him, crack on. I won’t be going out of my way to fawn over him and massage his ego so he picks me.

Lamelie · 29/04/2024 13:03

I would.
But that’s in the context of a 30 year relationship where we’ve both had opportunities to stray and haven’t and supported each other through various trials. And still adore each other and love being together. It’s a great relationship.
If his head was turned I’d assume he was having an existential crisis and fight for him as if it were some other crisis like alcoholism or bereavement or ill health.

TubeScreamer · 29/04/2024 13:08

Not a chance

AngelinaFibres · 29/04/2024 13:12

Twenty eight years ago my husband had an affair with a 17 year old work colleague and left me for her. He and I were 30 at the time. We had 2 children aged 3 and 2. I had stepped back from my teaching job . The plan was that I would go back when the youngest was settled in Reception. So I was married( my family don't do divorce), no job, 2 tiny chldren, a 95% mortgage that was only 3 years old. It was long before the Internet and there was no mumsnet to offer the amazing strength and support that people in my position have now. So yes I did do the pick me dance. I had nowhere to go, no family support. Did it change the outcome? No it didn't. He had completely checked out. We divorced a lifetime ago and the woman he left me for also divorced him in the end. Would I do it now? No. Do I regret doing it? I didn't want a divorce. I'd been brought up with the mantra ' you get married, you stay married'. So I guess I don't regret trying everything I could. He did some horrific things to me, his second wife and his final girlfriend ( he recently died) so no part of me is sorry that it ended. Its easy to say you'd just let someone go. It's hard in real life

Maray1967 · 29/04/2024 13:17

Absolutely not. Either I’m the one he wants, or I’m done. No middle ground.

My friend had this - her ex seemed to think he could take his time and decide. She put him straight on that and divorced him. He seemed shocked. Unbelievable.

5128gap · 29/04/2024 13:21

In the interests of honesty, I should add that I too did this once, 30 something years ago. Looking back I can see that it really wasn't about him, it was about my own ego. I needed to prove to myself I was the 'better' of the two of us. I got swept along in the competition, as a distraction from the hurt of the betrayal, with every 'victory' giving a little false high as a reprieve from the misery.
When I 'won' to use the word in its most liberal sense, as I actually 'won' by default because she dumped him; it felt incredibly hollow, and like the scales had fallen from my eyes, and I thought...what were you thinking?! The only satisfaction was to see him completely side swiped when after all my efforts and him thinking I wanted him so much, I dumped him too.

Onthebrink87 · 29/04/2024 13:24

Absolutely not! It would suggest to me that it had moved on to noticing someone is physically attractive, to allowing things to progress to BEING ATTRACTED. Why on earth would any man think that you should 1) overlook that disrespect and betrayal and 2) act the twat and play pick me?

GymBergerac · 29/04/2024 13:46

Hypothetically if I'd started behaving in a dreadful/unacceptable manner, which resulted in him feeling unhappy and looking elsewhere, I might take that as a sign to sort myself out and repair the relationship BUT I'd like to think that he would have told me he was unhappy before anything untoward happened, so that we could have a chance to fix things together..... (if they makes sense?)

FearYeTheDeadlyBisonAndItsToxicYogurt · 29/04/2024 13:47

Why would I want to be with someone, knowing he would rather be with someone else? It would be soul-destroying.

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