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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you fight for your man?

175 replies

IAmThe1AndOnly · 29/04/2024 07:03

Conversation with DP about people who become attracted to someone else during the relationship.
He said that if he ever became attracted to someone else surely I would fight for him? I laughed and said that if that happened she would be welcome to him.
He seemed surprised, god knows why given he knows I have never been the type to feel I need a man.

So would you?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 29/04/2024 10:34

If I have to fight for him he isn't my man.

TruthorDie · 29/04/2024 10:40

Haha no! Why should l have to the pick me dance and l couldn’t be bothered most likely

BeckiWithAnI · 29/04/2024 10:53

If he’s not fighting for his marriage and getting his head turned everytime someone attractive walks past then I’m not fighting for our marriage either. Can one person even fight anyway? Doesn’t there need to be two parties involved in a conflict? Without two people fighting, what even is that? Just a sad, middle aged woman punching feebly at the air and shrieking “pick me”.
I’ll admit to finding myself in some tragic situations in the past but I’ve not got to that level yet.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/04/2024 10:57

Not if he was Jay Z. On the other hand her version of Jolene is probably a justifiable homicide defence.

ClonedSquare · 29/04/2024 10:59

No, I wouldn't. If he was tempted by someone else but didn't act on it and chose to stay with me, it wouldn't necessarily ruin our relationship. It's very situation dependent. But under no circumstances would I "fight" for him or try and persuade him to stay.

He knows who I am, how our life is together and what we've planned for the future. I know that what I offer is a fair deal for both of us, so I wouldn't change anything to make the deal feel sweeter and more tempting for him.

Eviebeans · 29/04/2024 11:00

No I absolutely would not.
If we separated I also would not be interested in finding a new “partner”
I think time has taught me that women can manage better without men permanently in their lives than vice versa - controversial maybe but true for me

7Summers · 29/04/2024 11:02

What a twat.

No I wouldn’t. If my partner was ever stupid enough to seriously look elsewhere, he could fuck off.

Nellieinthebarn · 29/04/2024 11:09

No. I think after the initial shock I'd be quite happy living on my own. And if this was to happen and we parted ways, a 50/50 split of assets would leave me a bit better off than I am now. I certainly wouldn't be looking for a replacement, but I might get a cat.

Smartiepants79 · 29/04/2024 11:17

I would perhaps point out all he stands to lose if he can’t control himself.
I’d perhaps make a bit of an effort to make sure that I was being a decent, supportive partner. I can be a bit crap with showing my emotions so I’d maybe just put a bit of effort into making sure he knows he’s very important to me etc.
Presuming that up to now he’s been a good and loving partner that is worth holding on to.

desperatedaysareover · 29/04/2024 11:18

Ah, the fabled ‘man with a golden cock.’

Agree with the PP who said marriage is neither a prison nor a free-for-all. I have a friend who ‘won.’ She bitterly blamed the OW (plural) while the man she was with had a million excuses. Despite knowing he’d cheated on her from pretty much the beginning of their relationship, she married him. No-one really knows what goes on in a marriage, but she still doesn’t trust him, just keeps a really close eye on him. I feel bad for her, she had a terrible childhood, and I suspect that has had a lot to do with her decision-making. He’s not as bad as some, sort of thing.

So I think it must be down to how we view and value ourselves. It’s not meant to be a competition, if it’s healthy, is it?

SOBplus · 29/04/2024 11:21

I fight for my partner every day, not because of someone else but because I don't want to take the relationship for granted and want to be better for them (stay fit, do something nice/unexpected, try to be nicer and more helpful, etc - fight that way).

Faduckssake · 29/04/2024 11:22

Wow he thinks a lot of himself doesn't he? Thinks that you should "fight" to persuade him to be with you after he's been distracted by something shiny? How off putting, what a vain idiot.

afternoonified · 29/04/2024 11:24

I would not fight for my man in the idiomatic meaning of challenging a rival or trying to 'win' him back from an extra-marital attraction. However, if he was the victim of injustice, or if he was seriously threatened, then yes, I would fight on his behalf.

Waitingfordoggo · 29/04/2024 11:24

SOBplus · 29/04/2024 11:21

I fight for my partner every day, not because of someone else but because I don't want to take the relationship for granted and want to be better for them (stay fit, do something nice/unexpected, try to be nicer and more helpful, etc - fight that way).

Edited

Why do you think you need to be better? What sort of things do you do to ‘fight’?

Edited- I see you’ve added extra info to your post now.

Waitingfordoggo · 29/04/2024 11:25

Personally I stay fit for myself, not my DH.

ClonedSquare · 29/04/2024 11:27

SOBplus · 29/04/2024 11:21

I fight for my partner every day, not because of someone else but because I don't want to take the relationship for granted and want to be better for them (stay fit, do something nice/unexpected, try to be nicer and more helpful, etc - fight that way).

Edited

Why do you consider that "fighting for your partner" rather than just being in a good relationship? Good relationships involve doing nice things for each other, voicing appreciation for each other and keeping attraction alive (within reason, bodies change for a variety of reasons).

Sounds a bit dramatic to call that fighting, unless it's one sided, you're doing extreme things or you're doing it out of fear.

SOBplus · 29/04/2024 11:33

ClonedSquare · 29/04/2024 11:27

Why do you consider that "fighting for your partner" rather than just being in a good relationship? Good relationships involve doing nice things for each other, voicing appreciation for each other and keeping attraction alive (within reason, bodies change for a variety of reasons).

Sounds a bit dramatic to call that fighting, unless it's one sided, you're doing extreme things or you're doing it out of fear.

Show quote history

I don't really calling it fighting for, just going with the thread language. I want to be better as they deserve the best I can offer, simple really but it is a conscious effort every single day.

NonPlayerCharacter · 29/04/2024 11:40

It's a very badly worded question.

Does he mean "if our relationship were in trouble, would you work along with me to try to fix it together?" then almost certainly yes, depending on the reason it was in trouble.

If he means "if I had the option of getting another woman, would you cook and clean naked and do everything I wanted to try to make yourself a better option to me?" then of course not. The fact that he would be asking such a thing in that situation would mean the relationship was over anyway. Who the hell can live like that?

We could both attract other people if we wanted to; neither of us is so hideous and repellent that we couldn't possibly find a different sexual partner. We walk the line, as the song goes. Why should either of us suddenly have to start "fighting" for the other?

Grenwyn · 29/04/2024 11:42

Never chased a man in my life, so definitely wouldn't fight for one.

Cathbrownlow · 29/04/2024 11:55

This thread has reminded me of my twatty ex, who told me our marriage was over. Obviously I was upset at the time, but I had half expected it, given how vile he was being to me. He tilted his head and said 'aren't you going to fight for our marriage?'.

Erm, that would be a no. I was actually really surprised he said it. I thought only soap opera characters said things like that.

Ginkypig · 29/04/2024 11:57

I love my partner very much. I enjoy our relationship and hope to get to old age together.

i want him in my life but I don’t need him. It’d be hard emotionally in the short term but I’d manage.

practically I’d be just fine on my own!

at the end of the day he either wants to be with me or he doesn’t.

if he doesn’t then I wouldn’t want him anymore anyway.

does that sound cruel?

Mammma91 · 29/04/2024 12:00

Nope. Eyes for someone else off he goes to them! I wouldn’t ’fight’ for him. If his eyes go wondering when we have 2 young kids together and have built a life together, I’d rather he went. We’re not playing playground tit for tat.

Bookworm20 · 29/04/2024 12:04

He said that if he ever became attracted to someone else surely I would fight for him?

Haha, he has the that the wrong way around surely! I mean if someone found HIM attractive - and made it obvious - I may make it obvious back that he isn't interested. But if HE became attracted to someone else and showed interest then off he can trot.

Men are so weird sometimes. He may think he'd 'fight for his woman' if you had your head turned. What that would entail exactly is anyones guess.

I'm with mine from want, not need. You prefer someone else mate - off you go.

Hadalifeonce · 29/04/2024 12:05

I always told DH that if he ran off with another woman, I would drop off a suitcase and the children.

Panama2 · 29/04/2024 12:07

I never thought I would I always felt if who I was with cheated that was it until I got married and 20 years later he cheated. We has a life, two children we had been through so much his bankruptcy, losing our house and more I did try to keep us together.

I can't believe I put up with so much looking back.