Would you fight for your man?

[IAmThe1AndOnly]

Conversation with DP about people who become attracted to someone else during the relationship.
He said that if he ever became attracted to someone else surely I would fight for him? I laughed and said that if that happened she would be welcome to him.
He seemed surprised, god knows why given he knows I have never been the type to feel I need a man.

So would you?

I’d help him pack, open the door and wish them all the best

I feel like I’m going through this at the moment (got a thread on it). My (now ex) boyfriend text me asking for a break to figure out what he wants and I wondered if he expected me to beg and plead with him.

I’ve gone nc!

I really believe attitudes are changing, particularly from women, about needing a man and i think it's driving a lot of incel culture.

And I sort of get it from their point of view, even though I don't agree with it at all - women used to be second class citizens and now we just don't need a man.

We have the freedom to choose and incel culture hates it. If they'd been born in a different era, they would have had what they see as their entitlement.

No.

If he was in a situation with another woman he would be utterly worthless so there would be no need to fight for him .

Yes, I probably would. And I do my believe that everyone here would do as they say here - even though of course, it's the logical thing to do.

I admire you op, for having that strength, well done. You won't be his fallback.

It sounds like his fantasies are getting the better of him. 'Yeah. Me and Margot Robbie are just gonna do mud wrestling, competitive felatio and rhythmic gymnastics, while each cooking you a roast and ironing your y fronts under strict time constraints. Then you can hold up score cards'
Lol

No. It’s just such a silly idea.

The person who has damaged the relationship is the one who should be ‘fighting’, aka working to fix things.

There’s no way I’m going to compete for the attention of someone who doesn’t want me!

Yep. Although I’m so horribly black and white about the trust thing that not even that would work.

I genuinely, genuinely don’t understand the concept of ‘winning back’ trust. That just does not make sense to me. Surely the whole entire meaning of trust is that you believe that this person would not do X, as that is not the kind of person they are.

Then they do it, so they’ve shown that yes they ARE the kind of person who would do X.

You may then get to the point where you conclude that they probably wouldn’t do it again. But that’s not trust, at best you may genuinely believe that they feel they have too much to lose by repeating the behaviour. Which is all about assessing just how self-serving they are, nothing to do with trust really. Oh, they realise how much they’ve hurt you and hat me themselves blah blah? No. Didn’t stop them when it mattered 🤷‍♀️

Same. Trust isn't something that can be repaired, for me.

No. At that stage I would not consider him worth fighting for.

No and I wouldn't have him back when the OW learns what an arse he actually is 😅

I think the word 'fight' is a bit misleading. People don't perceive themselves to be 'fighting' when they either accept or forgive bad behaviour.

Looking at my friend's marriages or long-term partnerships (not counting prior to that), I would say most have accepted or forgiven potentially marriage ending stuff, such as terrible cheating, snogging someone else, alcoholism, even though each one of them would have declared they never would.

Women often don't leave in the face of considerable provocation, and I get why- kids, money, status quo.

Very very few, if they have suspicions of interest in another woman, honestly just say 'bye then'.

Some women then leave years later, so there's a lag time IMO. But my friends appear to be sitting it out with many awful things behind them, so no, I don't think they 'fight', they tend to try to do what they perceive is best for the whole family unit and what they can face doing at any given time.

Being attracted to someone else is fine, plenty of people are good looking in the world or are funny or have other qualities that are attractive to us. Acting on it though is unacceptable. If he needs fighting for he isn't worth my time and she would be welcome to him.

I would be curious exactly what "fighting for" would entail in his opinion. Depending on the answer I would lose varying amounts of respect for him.

This

Jolene would be welcome to him.

🤣

I was in this situation many years ago. My boyfriend was a professor and a student practically threw herself at him. He suggested an open relationship, I declined and sent him forth with my best wishes. She dumped him as soon as she graduated.

"Oh dear, how sad, never mind."

If he had an inoperable brain tumour then I would probably go full “ITV drama” and track down the one neurosurgeon (now living as a Tibetan monk after a similar operation went tragically wrong) who could save him.

If he fancied the 20 something woman he worked with and felt that that was more important than our 25 year relationship and our two children then no.

Well my first instinct was no, but it depends really.

If it was a case of ‘I found myself feeling attracted to/ tempted by someone else, obviously I shut it down immediately but it’s made me realise things between us have been drifting a bit recently. Can we talk about what we both need to get the spark back? I will do x and y, and I think it would really help if you did y, so can we work on that?’

Then yeah, I’d probably be more receptive to that.

‘I fancy the new young recruit at work and I’m probably gonna go for it actually unless you can prove to me why I shouldn’t’ then I’d be waving him out the door.

No. I'd pack his bags for him.

yes

but it would change my view of them long term & effect wether I wanted them later on in general fights

Absolutely not. I let DP know this early on and he was surprised too. I said exactly what you said: I would never play the pick me game and if he ever wanted to be with someone else instead then that was his decision.

I do think that fighting for the relationship and family that you have built together is different and something I would do. For example if relationship had lost its spark and DP was voicing being unhappy and it rang true rather than being The Script with an OW in the wings I'd try to save the relationship, especially with young children involved. I'd also fight for the relationship through mental illness, poverty, sickness and health - you know, the usual wedding vows.

But the pick me dance for someone who had his head turned, never. Go with her if she'll have you and she'd make you happier, we all only live once. I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me for me, not as a stand in woman in their lives.

I wouldn't fight for a man.

But I think there's a difference in "fighting" for a relationship, as in putting in extra effort to sustain the relationship in times of stress, grief, medical issues, infertility etc. A sort of a increased focus on making an effort for each other, even in very challenging times. Cheating wouldn't be one of them.

I could never fight for someone who is so readily taken by others. I would never be enough.