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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jobs worth nursery??

368 replies

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 06:38

DS is a September baby and we’ve made the decision to move him from current nursery to one attached to the school that he’ll attend from Sept 2025. I have just informed current nursery of this fact. Reason for doing this is that current nursery is quite small and I think he has outgrown it. But mainly, all his little friends will be going to school this September and I don’t want him feeling left behind.

last week I informed the nursery that he’ll be leaving end of Aug. Thanked them for a lovely 3 years etc, all very polite. My one request was that he be allowed to participate in the school leavers activities that they do in the summer. We’re telling him he is going to school too as it’s a much more structured setting, school uniform etc so basically is like school anyway.

Message received back the same day, again all very polite. Except they are refusing to allow him to be involved in the leavers ceremony. Their reason, only for children actually going to school and those staying to the end of term (which he is).

I am really upset by this. What on earth could be the reason to exclude a small boy from these events. And how do we explain this to him. It feels so jobs worthy and actually quite discriminatory to exclude him due to him being a few weeks younger. I want to go into mumma bear mode and fight this but I’m wondering whether I’m being over protective and it really doesn’t matter. AIBU to want to start a fight (on email!) over this?

OP posts:
chaticat · 29/04/2024 12:51

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 29/04/2024 12:42

I agree with this. Ours have staggered break times so won't even see each other in passing.

I'd be questioning whether he'd be better staying where he is than having to settle into a new nursery class, in a new location with new staff in a school you can't even guarantee he'll get a place at next year.

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I agree especially if it's being done so he'll be with his current friends as he won't

Citrusandginger · 29/04/2024 12:52

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 29/04/2024 06:53

We’re telling him he is going to school too as it’s a much more structured setting, school uniform etc so basically is like school anyway.

this is the problem, not nursery. He’s not going to school. You can’t lie to him and then get irritated when everyone else won’t perpetuate the lie.

I agree. The child needs to know the truth, otherwise he is likely to be upset come September when he is in Nursery class whilst his friends are in school.

He needs to be excited about his new nursery at the school and the new friends he will make.

Oblomov24 · 29/04/2024 12:53

We are just telling you like it is. You are being too PFB. He's just moving nurseries, not 'leavers'. He'll start at new nursery, it'll be fine.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 29/04/2024 12:54

Sorry I agree with nursery 😬

Kalevala · 29/04/2024 12:55

TTPD · 29/04/2024 12:51

And how do we explain this to him.

I really really don't know what you mean. Surely him taking part in this leavers thing would mean he is involved in activities being done by children in the year above him, not his friends? By not taking part he is doing exactly what all his friends his own age are doing. You've confused the issue by telling him he's going to school rather than just a different nursery.

Sounds like they are in the same room for 3 and 4 year olds, some going to school some not. A September born child is very likely to have friends in both school years as they are close in age to both.

johnd2 · 29/04/2024 12:56

Honestly you don't need to be a helicopter parent and go ahead and fix everything that might upset your child before it happens!
It's a big deal for you and your child will take their cue from you, so you will inadvertently teach them it's a big problem.
Focus on yourself and then you can support any concerns your child has (if any) and help them with any difficult feelings they may have.
Good luck!

Citrusandginger · 29/04/2024 13:02

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:23

All the children sit through it, learn the songs etc

The transition to school for the younger ones starts with this. They watch the older ones and learn that it's their turn next year.

It sets up their final year of nursery for transition activities and helps get them school ready.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/04/2024 13:14

MumblesParty · 29/04/2024 11:14

@ButWhatAboutTheBees OP was very open about the fact that she was asking advice, canvassing opinions - not wanting her “unreasonable behaviour to be validated”
I’m not sure what buttons OP has pressed to make you so angry. Yes sometimes posters make us angry, when they say things like “I smacked my child’s face because he wouldn’t eat his tea” or “I crashed into a parked car and I just drove off”. But asking about nursery and how to handle a social situation is really not a triggering post. I think you shouldn’t be so nasty.

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I'm not angry?

But her reaction was to ignore the people pointing out WHY he wasn't being "discriminated" (which is a huge overstatement anyway) against was to insist it was leaving him out. And then start throwing a strop with the classic "I'm a first time poster" crap because no one was agreeing with her.

Drearydiedre · 29/04/2024 13:15

He's the wrong year, the wrong age and he's going to a school nursery not a school. You are making way too much of this and possibly confusing your child. All the other children will know that they are 4 and off to big school. It's for the 4 year olds.

Why are you telling him he's going to school? Going to the school nursery doesn't even guarentee a school place. He might not even get in to the same school.

PonkyPonky · 29/04/2024 13:15

Our nursery used to let the other children in the pre-school room join in with the leavers ceremony if they were in on the day so they didn’t feel left out. They’re so little. It’s just a nice kindness to do that for them. I would be really sad in your position and take him out earlier so he doesn’t have to witness it all. 4 year olds can be quite sensitive and I think it’s unkind for adults to leave him out like that

albatrossjoe · 29/04/2024 13:17

WarningOfGails · 29/04/2024 06:41

I thought this was going to be about jobs that pay enough to make nursery worth it!

I don’t see the point of starting a fight - the graduation stuff is for children starting reception, which your child isn’t.

This! I was expecting the same 😅

If I've understood correctly OP and you'd be asking that he participate in activities that the 'older' kids would be doing then nursery are totally right to say he can't! You can help him to transition to the idea of schools in other ways when the time comes. Our second born is also due to start school in sept 2025 and we're moving her to the nursery attached to the school. Honestly it wouldn't even occur to me to ask nursery if she could participate in an event that she wouldn't be a part of if she was staying at that time.

CCLCECSC · 29/04/2024 13:21

We have a nursery attached to our primary school. It isn't part of the school; it's a separate business. The nursery children have no interaction with the school children other than drop off/pick up for older children. The nursery children start later and finish earlier.

Also it does not guarantee a place in reception.

ExcitedButNervous0424 · 29/04/2024 13:26

AnxiousRabbit · 29/04/2024 12:08

It's not like they passed a set of exams to "graduate" ffs
Nursery "graduation" that mimics American high-school graduation is for staff primarily, then parents.
Thankfully my kids nurseries never did this mimicry
They did do a series of events for those leaving the nursery to go to school that included a singing performance, a party for the kids in nursery time and a party including parents late one afternoon. Plus certificates and photos of their time at nursery and saying good bye to all the key works they had had over the 3-4.5 years they had been there.

Given OPs DS sons age and circumstances what have the other children leaving achieved that make them more deserving of those things? Nothing.
To all intents and purposes they are all going off to different schools and just saying good bye to nursery.

I understand nursery being a bit peeved that they are losing out on a other year's fees but don't make this "graduation" into something based on merit!

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I’m going to go and find a hard wall to bang my head against….

CelesteCunningham · 29/04/2024 13:26

TTPD · 29/04/2024 12:51

And how do we explain this to him.

I really really don't know what you mean. Surely him taking part in this leavers thing would mean he is involved in activities being done by children in the year above him, not his friends? By not taking part he is doing exactly what all his friends his own age are doing. You've confused the issue by telling him he's going to school rather than just a different nursery.

His friends his own age are all going to school and taking part in the leavers activities. He's also leaving, but not going to school but going to the same place as his friends.

It's what happens when you're born near the cut off, kids you've known since the baby room are suddenly a year ahead/behind.

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/04/2024 13:39

I think you need to remind yourself that although it's called a "Leavers' Ceremony" it is not for all children leaving the nursery but for those leaving to start school. So your DS will have one next year, just before he starts school. You can do something special at home if you think he is going to feel left out but I bet the nursery sometimes do an activity with one group of children and not another. You do need to ensure, before September, that he knows many of his friends are going to start school but he is going to a new nursery because he's not 5.

Combattingthemoaners · 29/04/2024 13:52

You’re setting him up for a life of disappointment if you don’t start building up some resilience……for both of you.

TellerTuesday · 29/04/2024 13:55

I'm intrigued to know what you were planning to tell him next year when he'll be starting reception as he'll already think he's started. What a bizarre way to handle a situation that occurs for a lot of kids every year

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 29/04/2024 14:09

There are probably multiple reasons for their decision. I work with this age group and we all learn the songs together but then we tend to break them into 2 groups. The older ones practise with hand movements or sitting arrangements etc. They help make graduation hats from paper, a bit tricky for younger kids. They do photos and a certificate. They also tell us what they want to be when they grow up and we do a display of this at the graduation. We talk a lot about the new school and changes they will encounter to prepare them. a younger child might not be able to do the prep stuff and might start messing around pulling at hats or not doing the songs. Generally I wouldn't like a younger child to join in but honestly if your child was well behaved I probably would say yes to be nice and just leave out the prep stuff and let him stand there...but I totally get where the nursery are coming from

peakygold · 29/04/2024 14:14

I can only imagine the sigh of relief when you handed the nursery notice. I bet you have been a complete nightmare.

AloeVerity · 29/04/2024 14:20

He isn’t leaving to go to school. The end.

C152 · 29/04/2024 14:34

To me this seems like the nursery have done a 'computer says no' type reply when really, what difference will it make? Well, what I mean is, it's no extra work for the nursery, it won't have a negative impact on the kids eligible for the leaving ceremony, but it will mean a lot to you and your son, and make a positive difference for him. Particularly as he's been there so long, where's the harm in being flexible around rules that they make themselves anyway?

I personally wouldn't have said he was going to 'school' yet, as he still won't be in the same class as his friends. But if the nursery is part of the school, it's open for school hours and he has to wear school uniform, then I understand why you explained it this way, and you're not wrong.

Will he know about the graduation ceremony at the old nursery? If not, don't dwell on it (or mention it), just do something special as a family, like go out for an ice cream or somewhere he likes but doesn't get to go often. If he does know about it, just say that the ceremony is only for kids a year older, but you're going to [insert whatever thing you're going to celebrate] to celebrate leaving nursery and moving to the new one. Most kids seem to accept a lot and swiftly move on to the next interesting thing. If you don't make a big deal about it, he's likely to get over any disappointment quickly.

Antibetty · 29/04/2024 14:40

Don'y send him to nursery on the day of the "leavers ceremony". Then he won't even notice he isn't included in it. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Glittertwins · 29/04/2024 15:01

What will happen if he doesn't get a place at that primary school? How likely is that? I know of parents who moved their DCs to a preschool attached to the primary school they wanted and they didn't get it.

shenandoahvalley · 29/04/2024 15:10

Well, I won’t add to the pile on re leaving, but I do suggest you work on the whole “how do I explain this to him?” in reference to a 3yo.

You’re going to be creating a monster, and a lot of stress for yourself, if you’re struggling with how to make life understandable for a 3yo. You’re the adult. You are in charge. You tell him how things work, he doesn’t tell you what he wants with a view to you trying to bend the world to his will. As you’ve already learned from this tiny little example, that’s not going to work.

You would be doing him a terrible disservice if you raise him to believe that he is right and everyone else is wrong if they don’t give him what he wants or needs to be “happy”. Be the adult in this relationship.

Bournetilly · 29/04/2024 15:23

YABU. He’s not leaving to go to school so why would he join in, he’s going to preschool. My DD was in the same situation last year, all her friends were going to school, she learnt all the songs and practiced with them but when it came to the graduation she just went into the room below at nursery. She was aware she wasn’t joining in because she wasn’t going to school yet, she wasn’t bothered.

Maybe you should make him aware he is going to preschool and not school because he will wonder why he’s not in a class with his friends.