Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

I'm so sorry 💐

Why is traveling regularly for work between than a one off holiday? You know there are jobs that don't travel at all? Surely if he loved his kids he'd get one of those?
If you could cope if he was at work, you could cope if he was on holiday. It's not like kids only get sick when it's convenient.

That's true and I could cope while he's on holiday. That's just not something we've chosen to put on the other because we don't think it's necessary.

Fortunately his job is very flexible in other ways and it's only 3-4 times a year. To accommodate it I did limit my own working hours. Some might consider that unfair for their own career, I was quite happy with it as I got more time with my kids when they were young.

Due to a change of circumstances the travel is a bit of an issue at present, but we work it out.

She has let you down. It may be that in the future she will see less of her granddaughter! I know it’s stating the obvious (sorry) but is there anyone else you could ask.

This. She’s not letting you down she’s offered to still have your child you just have to drop her and pick her up which doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. Things change and sometimes you need to fit around it but stating you’re thinking of not going to the interview because of this makes you sound a bit of a drama llama and rather precious tbh! Just fit it around and don’t stress so much

A week long stag do when he has a baby at home? He needs to grow up.

Put your wedding stuff up high and tell your mum to bring the dog.

Don't ask her to help again.

But you don't know where the Interview is in relation to sisters house. And why on earth would OP drive back home then go out again rather than just go straight to interview from sisters?

Do you have any friends with babies who might take your baby as well for a couple of hours? You could offer to pay them generously.

I'd not reply to the text from your sister. If she doesn't turn up to your wedding, who cares. You'll have a nicer day and she'll look like the twat. Probably you ought to just write down what she's agreed to help with and either do it yourself, get a friend to do it or pay someone to do it.

But you don't know where the Interview is in relation to sisters house. And why on earth would OP drive back home then go out again rather than just go straight to interview from sisters?

Depends on the direction of the interview. It could add on EVEN more time than that if it is 25 mins in the complete other direction.

It’s not about choosing dog over child (though this is awful), it’s not about sister being the fave (also awful) it’s the fact you had an arrangement, which your mum has backtracked on. When sister asked grandma should simply have said sorry I have a prior appointment that day. She is unreliable and rude to do so. I cannot abide this ducking out of stuff culture when something you prefer comes up, if you agree to something stick to it!

Your mum is a CF and you have every right to feel let down. This is coming from someone who is second best to a sibling daily.

However, I think in these circumstances in order for you to attend your interview you're going to need to take one of the offered solutions, as irritated and impractical as they are for you, and then later tell your mum that she is indeed a massive CF. Then in future just don't bother relying on her.

Hope you got something sorted OP 💐

The person who’s doing the letting down here is the person who fathered the child. A week long stag do is ridiculous.

You’ve been offered two viable alternatives @If123 and are refusing to entertain them. Just pick one and get on with it.

I’m glad to see most of the responses are helpful.
i was expecting the usual AIBU pile on around “entitlement” and how you can’t expect your mum to look after your kid as it’s her time.

but sense seems to be prevailing

i I had a similar issue with my parents over 25 years ago. Still bloody remeber it due to issue it caused. I never asked them for childcare, they lived 200 miles away. I had to go on a course with work that meant overnight stays for 4 nights/5 days . My husband was in shift work so impossible for him to look after dc for all that time and couldn’t get time off. I asked 2 months out, got a yes. Asked agian 4 weeks out at point before company committed final funding to course provider (£3000 even 25 years ago). With 2 days notice they pulled out. No explanation. Just we’ve decided it is better not to. No negotiation. I had to go into work and explain to my senior management thst I could no longer attend due to childcare committments falling through. It doesn’t take a genius to know the ramifications - I didn’t ever get to go on that course which would have enhanced my career for next 5-10 years. My flexibility and commitment levels were questioned and doubled for years to come. My promotion was held back and I was generally perceived as a “mum who worked” rather than a professional for years.

never told my parents this. Wish I had. I never ever trusted them again with childcare . Made no difference to them , probably never realised I hadn’t asked again. But at least I knew where I stood.

whilst parents pulling out of commitments for social events or to help out, pulling out or adding caveats for key career events is appalling. You’d think that you’d parents would want to support you. As poster say this isn’t about dog vs baby, this is about understanding the criticality to your future of this interview and ensuring you are set up to succeed. I’d like to think in those circumstances I’d push back on sister dog request and say “nope, I want to ensure daughter interview goes well and she’s not stressed out by doggy logistics on the day”.

as people say, the dog can be left for a few hours surely- most dogs can manage 6 or so hours - even as puppies my siblings dogs could manage 4 hours and they can do a good 6-7 now…even if there is a “hurry up I’m bursting” look on their faces when I arrive to let them out 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣

perhaps have one more try OP, to explain this is about your future prospects and security, it is a one off, and the options she’s giving you will eat away at any time to focus and get your head into the space needed to perform well. Could you explain to your sister too, ask her what she can do to help resolve the issue ?

Your mum is being unfair OP but your fiancé is being absolutely ridiculous going away for a WEEK on his stag do. Why on earth did you agree to this when you had a small baby? I think he is incredibly selfish doing this.

I know it’s a bit left field but could you ask the interviewer if you could bring your baby with you? It’s surprising how accommodating companies can be, I thick it is worth a shot rather than cancelling altogether. You could make it clear you would have childcare in place if you got the job but don’t have it currently. Worth a go id say.

To be honest I think it's ridiculous to go on a week long stag do when you've got a small baby at home, you're priorities have to change when you're a parent and that's just how it is, there's 'having a life' and there's leaving your fiance at home to struggle on her own with an unreliable support network while you go on a week long bender.

But as far as the babysitting situation goes, I kind of think you've set yourself up for failure, she lets you down frequently, she prioritises your sister over you, so relying on her for something as important as this when you could have just asked for the interview to be moved back a couple of days (weeks ago when it was first arranged), would have been the most reliable solution.

I had to do this when my DD was little, I just couldn't rely on support that was offered so stopped arranging anything during those times, it's a hard lesson to learn.

You'd be mad to miss on this job for what amounts to 25 minutes of your day though and do think you're being a tad martyrish.

I think the week long stag do is a bit of a Red Herring tbh. Would be the same problem had he been away for one night if it clashed. I just don't agree that parents should never make plans just in case the prearranged childcare plan falls through. That's just martyrdom and entirely unrealistic.

It is not unreasonable for you to be upset that your plan with her has been superseded by another plan. But the line about your daughter and the dog is OTT.

I would definitely create a bit of distance between yourself and your mum and your sister. I have been in your situation. Talking to my mum and my sister walks in the room and my mum immediately completely disengages with what I’m saying. It’s hurtful.

She can still look after your daughter. She's given you two options neither of which you like. That's on you not her.

OP I hope everything will work out for you today, I really feel for you and after reading your update re the message from your sister she sounds horrid! Really I think she is at fault here, presumably she knew that your mum is watching DGC today as you have a job interview, it's her responsibility to find alternative care for an unruly dog she hasn't bothered to train, I'm assuming that's why it can't be left alone which is absolutely ridiculous. Your mum is at fault too for not putting her commitment to you and her grandchild first, but it seems like she finds it hard to say no to your sister and shes trying to keep both happy. I think as a one off allowing the dog to come to you will save you the most hassle - uprooting your baby, bringing all the equipment baby would need to a different house for the sake of a dog, on a day of an interview is insane.
Good luck for your interview OP

your on maternity leave

did you make any friends during maternity leave that you could ask to have for a couple of hours (presumably at most as i’m guessing the job is local)?

Do you have a friend that can help ? Even if they can stay with the baby in the car or having a walk around in the pushchair while you are in the interview so it’s a short period ?
yes your mum is being unfair and why does a dog needs company all day ? Ridiculous

Wow what a powerful story. Just goes to show.

This is what I did 20 years ago.

What a shit mother she is and I hope this really makes you think about your relationship going forward. It isn't only about her Gc but also about an important step for you going to an interview. She has let both you and your child down. I hope you never ever help her or be there for her. Refer her to your sister going forward.