Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

I guess then DS won't be coming to your wedding anyway as with both her and your DM being at your wedding there won't be anyone to look after the dog? Please tell me that you are going to tell them that if they are prioritising a dog over your child they are both welcome to spend your wedding day with DS's dog if that's what will make them happy.

Agree with @Gcsunnyside23 her comments sum things up exactly and exactly how to respond to your sister.

People are allowed to have a life outside the baby. He left thinking childcare for the interview was covered. Had he known in advance mum would flake out, maybe a different choice would have been made.

I don't think any caring and responsible parent takes off for a week if they don't have to, when they have a young baby. Anything can happen.

They can do whatever they want to but they have to accept the consequences that we won’t ever go to their house - we offered alternatives and they declined therefore they have no relationship with our dc which is their choice

Yes, this. The drama, along with the convenient drip feeds about untrained, destructive dog. I personally would be wondering what the OP said to her sister to warrant that response. MAybe that as the mother of The First Grandchild that she should always take priority.

Can't help thinking that the sister and mother are probably better off without the drama queen in their lives.

I don't think any caring and responsible parent takes off for a week if they don't have to, when they have a young baby. Anything can happen.

That is quite the claim. How old is OP's baby? Unless she's a newborn, this is complete nonsense.

Me too. Even if it was booked a year in advance, he knew the OP was pregnant at that point.

Why do people need a week's holiday for stag/hen dos?

I think your family sounds toxic. (Much experience in my own life). It's likely your sister is the golden child and you're the scapegoat. So long as you "behave", all is mostly fine. Once you ask for something it's a problem.

Have a listen to this and see what you think -
https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/79-will-i-ever-be-close-to-my-sisters/id1613030538?i=1000627164978

If it's ringing bells for you, then head over to the Stately Homes thread where lots of us who have grown up with dysfunctional families share stories and support each other. There's also a list of helpful resources.

6 months. Pretty small. Thank goodness my DH didn't have that attitude or I'd have been taking a tiny baby who needed emergency sudden surgery, and three other very young kids, to A and E in the middle of the night all by myself.

What happened is rubbish.

I'd put the wedding bits away though so the dog can come to your house. You'd only be punishing yourself if you decide to cancel the interview.

Your mother should have honoured her arrangement and your sister doesn’t sound particularly nice. I would see this as a lesson learned not to ask for anything from her again and I’d reduce contact to what suits you.
Re: childcare. You and your partner need to make it happen somehow so you can do your interview, even if it means paying someone from a babysitter service.

Partner not missing part of his stag do to ensure you get to do a job interview would leave a bit of a sour taste if I was in the situation.
Imagine him there drinking and laughing with his mates which he can do at any time while you’re stuck at home not doing the interview for a job you need, a job that could make your lives better.

You are probably all right in saying it’s not about the dog it’s more about the fact my mum has chosen to be unreliable and not be there for me at the last minute on more than one occasion.
I would see it differently Op- I’d see it that your mum seems to try to be accommodating both of you? None of it is ideal but in life things always always come up on the same day and your mum probably had your sister saying she needed this so badly (as do you obviously). It doesn’t seem feasible to you but she obviously thought all her scenarios are doable and fair dues to her- babies are very tough and dogs are difficult!

That is really really not a big deal for a job you’re desperate to get.

Wow some people are being really unkind. It’s been an eye opener seeing that many people think that if you’ve committed to helping someone and then someone else asks you to help them too, the right course of action is to say yes and then ask the first person to alter their plans to fit.

The mum COULD have said “would you mind if I bring Rover round tomorrow?” And if OP said sorry it won’t work she could have said to the other daughter that she’s not able to help this time. I really don’t understand why helping both daughters is more important than doing the thing she said she’d do in the first place. If I had arranged to go and stay with a friend and then another person asked to stay at the same time and I’d have to unexpectedly share a bed with them, would that be fine too as it’s better to help both of us?

If both daughters are such drama queens my sympathy is with their mother trying to keep the peace.

Yeah but what if he's abroad? Which he probably is.
How could he arrange a flight within one hour, given that the mother let OP down at 10pm with the interview on the next day?
Flights are not taxis, he can't just hop on a plane

Classic MN reply.

Does OP have 3 other kids to consider?
Sorry you can't handle your kids alone, but most people cope fine for a little while.

My first then. Yay! I've made it.

I manage my kids alone all the time. My DH travels regularly for work. He would never go off on unnecessary travel though. Even when he had to fly long haul he managed to do it in four days knowing he had a newborn at home. My closest family for help is at least an hour an a half away. I cope well but he puts us before joyrides with his friends who he can spend time with locally.

I never took jobs that required travel because I wanted to be with my kids and family and I've never run off with friends for a week. My family comes first.

Get on sitters.com and find a qualified and registered sitter if there is time before your interview.

If there isn't and your fiances family can't help out you have no choice but to say your childcare has fallen through (Covid) and could you reschedule for later in the week when you have booked a new sitter.

Step back from your mum and your sister and pretend they don't exist as much as you can. Don't ask them for anything and don't give them anything they ask for. They sound horrendous. If it were me I'd tell your sister to do one but you sound like the sort of person who sucks up this sort of treatment and will avoid conflict so whatever works for you in the short term.

I think the OP can expect drama on this point.

In an emergency they can often get you on a plane pretty quickly. My DH was overseas when our DD died and was home within a few hours. They weren't going to change his flights until he explained. I don't think that a job interview counts as an emergency though.