Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

Shouting at a dog is futile and shows how terrible at ''training'' the sister and grandmother actually are.

It's never necessary to shout at a dog, their hearing is super~ sensitive.

Counter surfing by dogs is really a no no.

What breed/type of dog is it?

It's going to get worse as it grows, by the sound of it.

I'm so sorry the interview didn't go well. Totally understandable to be worrying about what's going on at home with that situation. There will be other jobs and you have learnt a very valuable lesson, do not ever put your mum or sister in a position where them letting you down would be a big problem.

This includes for your wedding. I wouldn't uninvite them as they may deliberately cause trouble for you. Just tell them the date, time and location, and leave them to it. If they complain that they're not involved enough I'd go with the line "I just want you to relax and enjoy the day" on repeat.

This!

completely understandable why you wouldnt want to leave your daughter in that situation i wouldnt either!! do you maybe have a friend or your in laws that would have her while you attend your interview?

i no how important it is to have 2 working parents especially in this cost of living crisis me and my partner both work im lucky to be able to work from home, but still with us both working... the cost of living is kicking our arses!!

saying that have you has to cancel your interview? how did you get on ? hope everything worked out for you xx

I would t be happy if my mum previously agreed to help me so I could attend an interview then bumped me for my sister’s dog. You’re absolute not being unreasonable. Does your sister know you have an interview? Does your mum normally favour your sister to this degree?

Pay achildminder thereby avoiding issue with your mum.

Your mum sounds very dramatic and OTT. I wouldn't not invite her to the wedding though. Sorry you didn't have a good interview. Also sorry you have so little support. I would feel sad in your situation.

It’s left me thinking maybe she doesn’t deserve a relationship with her grandchild.

Sounds manipulative.

@If123 I would start building relationships with babysitters and people at local nurseries who are willing to do babysitting. Get into the habit now so you’re not stuck with anxiety over childcare in the future.

Are you having a joke?

Someone who brings destructive dog to babysit a 6mo old, screams and assults babies mother and massivelly lets her down on two weeks upfront arranged babysiting when she is abot to land interview that could save them all childcare costs??

If people aren't there to support you and grandchild you can as well cut them off.
If for no other reason to spare older child of dissapointment of fucked up plans.
Also, you don't owe time or patience to people who are not supportive of you. Relationships go two ways.
It would be NC from me.

Really? Have you read all of the OP’s posts? The mother sounds awful.

Sounds like there is a long 'history' there, with both mum and sister.

OP I have a parent like this. The only way to deal with them is as a friend / distant relation rather than the immediate family they should be.

I don't know what involvement your mother or your siater have in your wedding but I'd be dropping them both back to 'guest' status in your plans. Then if they show up great, if they don't oh well their loss. If you ha e no expectations of them then the cannot let you down. I'd take the same stance with your daughter. If she asks to see her and its convenient thats fine - if it isn't that's also ffine.but don't build her up to the great 'gandma' stance - no expecation no let down!

Your mum sounds like a complete dickhead. I wouldn’t want her around the baby, she cares more about the dog!! And fancy chucking the keys at you when the baby’s there, that’s not on at all. Do she and your sister contribute anything positive to your life at all? I’d definitely be telling them after this that you clearly all need some space from one another, that it’s for the best if they don’t come to the wedding, and then grey rock them both afterwards.
I would also send an email to the interviewers to saying you apologise for a poor interview, that you had a family emergency very last minute, and you would jump at the chance of another opportunity to interview with them (when boyfriend is back).

So many people on here don’t get it because they don’t have a family dynamic like yours.

i do - I get it OP. Your mother has agreed to help you for something big and important. She has then effectively dumped you at the last minute for something much more trivial, for your sister. She’s couched it in a way that you can’t complain - she’s still going to have your baby, but just ALSO the dog. It’s not what you agreed. She should have told your sister “no; I’m sorry, I’m watching baby”. But she didn’t, because you aren’t valued the same as your sister. Bet she would never do the same thing in reverse - she would have no problem telling you she’s busy helping your sister if she’d agreed that first.

don’t uninvite her as it causes you more drama and stress. Just take a step back from her and your sister and think of them As more distant relative guests than central to you day (which they will try to be as you'll be receiving plenty of Positive attention that they will want to bask in).

I’ve been there and it gets easier. Recommend therapy though as it can be hard to verbalise and therefore sort through your our own brain wtf is going on.

@If123 Basically she does sometimes look after the dog but my sisters boyfriend works from home most of the time and for some reason he’s got to go into work tomorrow so my mum has to have the dog.

This is what gave me pause. So, your sister, knowing that your mother was going to watch your child, just happens to need your mother to watch her dog on the exact same day. Your sister's BF just HAS to go into work on that day?

Sorry, but I think your NVDS set this up to show you just who "mommy" favors. Especially when she then sends a nasty, untoward email to you, with "threats" that, if I were you OP, I'd take as promises. You need your sister's "help" and attendance at your wedding like you need measles. Ditto for the person who birthed you.

@If123 this isn’t about the dog vs your daughter - it is actually about your DM trying to please you and your sister/DM not being strong enough to say no to sister. Ideally you’d have been able to chat to both of them saying the interview was important - and come to some
amicable arrangement, although to be honest I’d have asked to move the interview (easy for me to say that looking in). However, your sister’s comments/threats not to help with the wedding etc are horrible and if she has control over your Mum (it seems so), then I think I’d be so done with them and I’d probably go no contact. I might consider calling the company and saying ‘I feel the interview didn’t go well, I wasn’t at my best but didn’t want to inconvenience anyone by asking to move it but in hindsight I should have done, hoping I’ve made it to the next stage so I can show you were right to interview me’ or something. However, you may have done better than you think - I once came out of an interview thinking it was a disaster but turned out they really liked me!

I agree. Kindly OP just because people are blood relations doesn't mean you have to have them in your life.

i wonder how the DM got back home

doesn’t look like the op drove her back

My in laws refused to attend our wedding as they wouldn’t leave the dog alone for a few hours.
She was the same when FIL was at deaths door in hospital for four months she didn’t visit once because of the dog

With the odd exception I notice nobody is commenting on the “week long stag do”. It’s down to women to sort this out.

It's just a shitty thing to do, to agree to undertake a responsibility that affects someone's child and career and then back out last minute, because sister's partner has to go into work for the day.

Reading through all OP posts suggests the mother is a nutcase and probably not someone I'd want around my child on a regular basis.

Really not sure why OP thought mum would change with the arrival of a baby. Babies are hard work and a lot of commitment, responsibility, energy and time.

OP is also a slightly naive nutter if she had a rose-tinted view of "new grandma" regarding babysitting with delight. She obviously hasn't learned from her own lifetime of experience growing up.

Hint. Having a baby is not going to turn your mother into a different person. She is what she is.

Since the interview did not go well, I'd use the extra free time to attend a mother and toddlers group, make friends with other mums and start building a support network.

Hint 2. The week without fiance would have been so much easier if you were meeting up with other new mums and just sharing being a new mum with people in a similar position.

Time for a reality check - and put a non-family structure in place.

Because fiance's family are also either too distant or not able to or not inclined enough to offer support. Because at 6 months, baby is old enough to spend overnight with grandparents, aunts and uncles, if they're appropriately responsible.

It’s not even her dog. I am a dog owner and a new grandma and your pets are important but there’s always a way round these things.

Doesn’t matter which child is the favourite, once a plan has been made it shouldn’t be changed for a more preferable one…your mom is wrong here.

Not sibling or dog related but my mom has let me down a couple of times now when something better has come up so I no longer ever ask her.

YANBU, mother and sister are horrible and selfish. Time for a reality check and distance yourself from them. Don’t expect anything from them and you can’t be disappointed.

So what’s happening to the dog on the wedding day?