To think I can hide this?

[Itstimeforbaileys]

For a multitude of reasons, we have made the decision not to tell anybody about my pregnancy until we’ve had the 20 week scan. I can successfully hide this day to day, but this is where the issue occurs.. I’m currently 17 weeks, and I’ve got a spa day planned next week where both my SIL and mum will be there. How the hell will I hide this? My bump is still small enough where i just look a bit bloated, my SIL has never seen me in a swimming costume before so for all she knows I could just normally look this way? I’ll probably get away with it with my mum as she’s not very observant 😂

My second issue is the timing of my 20 week scan, this happens the week before a family members wedding so I need to wear something where I can cover it up as I don’t want to steal focus (and this is one of the reasons why we’re leaving it so late to tell people).

AIBU to think I can pull this off? I already don’t drink so that won’t cause any suspicion, it’s just my appearance that will give me away. Bonus points to anyone who can provide clothing options to successfully conceal!

It’s exactly this! I am close with my mum, but there are certainly things I hold her at arms length with and this is one of them. I’m very level headed and logical, my mum is very well meaning but emotional. I’m in a mental space where I feel really at peace and I feel positive about my pregnancy and actually don’t feel worried at all; and I just can’t have others disturbing my peace. I’m aware that issues can arise at any point, but I obviously have to tell them at some point and after the anatomy scan where I can answer the questions I’ll no doubt be pummelled with is when I feel most comfortable. Both my mum and dad are known for coming out with the first thing that pops into their head and they don’t have a bad bone in their body but they’re lucky that I understand that otherwise I would’ve gone no contact with them due to their thoughtless comments. The day I had my TFMR, my dad said I was lucky to have my living child and to focus on them, which is wildly inappropriate to say in my opinion, and my cousin who has struggled with fertility for years finally gets pregnant and my mum says to me.. who has just gone through the most horrific moment of my life only months earlier “that’s good news! I just hope nothing goes wrong” 🫠

So sorry to hear about your daughter

Your parents sound exactly like mine! Well meaning but it just adds stress trying to discuss anything serious with them and they end up saying wildly inappropriate things. This is why I'm keeping mine quiet too. Plus my mum would keep saying how worried she is. My mum said last year after my loss. Well you went through all that for nothing! 😐

Great idea but I'd definitely size up even a few sizes. Tummy control swimsuits can be really tight causing restriction in the area 🤷‍♀️

look to rent a dress maybe instead, loads of designer and high street ones that are designed to hide bumps

I have read all your posts and it sounds amazingly stressful, everything from the arrangements to your personality differences with your parents. I am worried for you.

I voted YABU thinking you can pull this off not because I am unsympathetic but because of the spa day. Wedding sounds doable.

One of the biggest unknows and potential risks is the staff at the spa. I get that people shouldn't be discussing your medical history but I think they're going to find it a bit odd you would self-select to be in an environment where you're not wearing street clothes (and could very discreetly cover up) and someone could easily notice and ask you about it anyway. How much will you need to say about the backstory for them to 'get it' and how many people on their end will need to be briefed on it? If it's that important to keep this quiet, and I totally understand why it is, it's an unusual choice.

Like another poster said, I'd claim D&V on the day.

I didn’t tell people until I was 20 weeks. I had no sign of a bump until then with both pregnancies. I think you can keep it a secret!

That's a control swimsuit which I don't think so is a great idea if you're 18 weeks pregnant.

How about something like this
https://amzn.eu/d/7ud0jQF

but instead of wearing the shorts get some maternity high waisted bikini bottoms to wear underneath so if it rides up at all it still doesn't show your bare bump e.g.

https://www.next.co.uk/style/SU054165/890382?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwir2xBhC_ARIsAMTXk86yJgpHj8qjD-WmpgN58YH8vs_39olavp9Ln4Hn_7LI5sKMxpNokW0aAoelEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds#890382

I expect all the people on the spa day will know straightaway when they see you in your costume, not going in the sauna, steam room, jacuzzi, filling in forms, not drinking wine with lunch, bigger boobs etc. Hopefully they won’t say anything as they know of your loss. Or you could cancel now and not give it another thought.

I can’t believe you’ve had such a rough time on here @Itstimeforbaileys, considering your reasons for keeping things quiet until your scan. If you still want to go, I’d say I’d had a chest infection - I always get one after going to a spa, so if you’d had one before you wouldn’t want to make it worse by going in the sauna/steam room etc. Also antibiotics for it so you can’t drink. I’d buy a lovely floaty cover up and a black swim suit and I think it would be fine just to style it out. Don’t fiddle with your clothes though, makes it too obvious! At the end of day, we all know these are the normal excuses for people who are trying to hide a pregnancy but all you need to say is a firm no if anyone asks and hopefully that will be the end of the conversation! Oh and stick to treatments like mani/pedi if you don’t want to mention it to the staff.

Thank you @Itstimeforbaileys, and I’m so sorry for what you went through with your previous pregnancy. The reason why I reference is because in hindsight I wish I’d either found an excuse to get out of the spa day, or taken control and told my friends discreetly in advance. I completely get why you would want to keep things private until your scan and it is completely reasonable given your previous experience. However, I personally would not trust the spa staff to respect this and if the same happens to you then it will be a horrible situation for you to be in - much worse than either pulling out of the hen do or telling your mum and SIL discreetly, no matter how much you’re able to cover up with the right attire on the day.

I’m really sorry to hear about your earlier pregnancy OP and have everything crossed for you.

Re swimwear - you could go tummy control but I’d personally avoid one with ruffles/skirt unless you’d usually wear that as the ruffles will draw more attention than they’ll disguise.

M&S have some decent tummy control ones in - plain or a bit more of a pazaz depending on how you feel! I always looked bloated until 22/23 weeks with both my pregnancies (although more so with my second) and the tummy control (pants not swimsuits but should be similar!) from M&S disguised my bump really well

I wouldn't wear tummy control clothing. I was in agony with the tights at 12 weeks. It's not good to restrict the bloodflow either.

No I’m glad you did, as you would’ve expected given the multitude of different things that people may have to put on those forms that they may be more discreet! It’s not an angle I’d considered and certainly not a challenge I’d thought about having to overcome, so now I’ll definitely be more prepared, thank you.

Easy enough to hide at a wedding with an empire line dress that shows some cleavage.... but at a spa? I can't see you getting away with it.

Could you book a private scan for a few days before the spa? It might not give you an absolutely certain answer, but I imagine that could see if things are developing as expected. I had fortnightly scans with my twins and they could see an awful lot about their development.

This!

Op doesn't want to tell her family for various reasons which she has posted. Plus private scans aren't as detailed as the nhs anomaly scan. I just wouldn't go in her case though. Much easier!

A "rough time" ? I thought posters had been kind, supportive and helpful - with suggestions and advice and sharing their own experiences

In my first pregnancy my bump wasn't that big and I didn't tell most people until 22 weeks. No one had noticed (not that I was deliberately keeping it a secret or anything). I don't think it's possible to do this if you're going on a spa day though. Sorry. And good luck with everything.

Yes, I did this too! I found out I was pregnant late and so missed the 8 week scan so went for a private NIPT scan at about 18 weeks and it was amazing. They had a huge screen and we were there for a good half hour, it was so in depth taking measurements and everything. I imagine just a regular scan would be similar with the screen and everything. I’d totally recommend it :-)

Also antibiotics for it so you can’t drink.

That old chestnut. No-one would believe it. Besides, the OP says she doesn't drink.

Honestly, me neither 😂

I obviously expected for people to tell me they thought I was unreasonable thinking I could hide it, that’s fine. What isn’t ok, is the name calling, the rudeness and the ignorance of some people.

Thankfully, I have basically lived life like I’ve been pregnant since TTC my second pregnancy. I don’t drink, I only have one coffee a day, and would drink decaf after that, I already didn’t eat anything that isn’t recommended purely by chance. So none of these things would raise alarm bells with my friends and family thankfully. A firm no, if I’m asked is my plan with no further comment. I genuinely don’t know these people I’m going with, aside from mum and SIL, I’ve never been on holiday with SIL and I haven’t been on a holiday where a swimming costume is involved with my mum in about 15 years, I always wear baggy clothing in my day to day so I don’t think any of them have any idea what my body shape actually is 😂

The ones who haven’t have been reported and deleted, some absolutely vile comments have been made.

I think I would dislike most, trying to hide a pregnancy but getting caught out out and the subsequent "Did she really think we were fooled" type remarks